you really need to start going to alanon meetings. you'll find the help and peace you need there. within a months time from going to meetings i knew it was the place for me to be even though the alcoholic wasn't in my life anymore. please i know you can get help there.

I looked for an alanon in my area, but the closest one I could find is 3 towns over. I don't have a car, and the meetings are at 8pm when I need to be home to care for my son. I would definitely go if I could find meetings during the day while they are in school.

My heart goes out to you.What are your instincts?What is that inner voice telling you?As a mother of special needs children myself,I rely on that inner wisdom.Life is gonna be hard but than again isnt it already?You can do whatever you set your mind to.I understand how hard it is to sever that power balance after a marriage,but its time to reclaim it,if not for you than for your beautiful children.stay strong!

I guess my biggest problem is with the immediate, when he shows up intoxicated. Life doesn't stop because he decides to get drunk. My youngest one has classic autism, and he doesn't do well with change. This is why my last few attempts didn't work out. He literally regressed and didn't do well at all. I refuse to leave my home because of stbx's behavior. I can plan till the cows come home, but he refuses to leave , and I can't get a restraining order since he hasn't physically done anything to me. I have had them in the past, and it only made things more volatile anyways. I even tried to work with a woman's shelter, and this also failed. So, I guess i'm wondering if there's anything legally, or resource wise that I can draw upon when he's behaving like this?

do you own the house? Look, it doesn't matter if he is a happy or an angry drunk, he is still a drunk. And, you are right, your kid(s) don't need to see this. Do you have a family member you can stay with? What about having a disabled son is preventing you from following through on divorce?

That's the thing, HE owns the house. So, last time I was in court (I had an Order of protection) several years ago, they made up this bogus decision where he could live in the house with me. He had an attorney, and I couldn't afford one. Their reasoning was that he couldn't afford two residence. Well, it wasn't my fault he was the one causing chaos in the home.

The reason it's difficult to leave with the disabled son is for the things I've mentioned, plus a few other things. I have transporation issues, childcare problems, and even worry if he ever gets this child alone for visitation. I have been the only one caring for him, and his speech is limited and behavior is not easy to deal with. His father is not good with him at ALL. So, a bunch of fears run through my mind. I would love for things to go smoothly, but in the past he's played alot of games, and done alot of stuff to make my life miserable.

Plus he's told me if I do try to divorce he'll immediately quit his job and I would get no support. He even said he'd goto another country so the courts couldn't find him. He has mental issues on top of all this and he refuses to take his meds. So, it's a very delicate, unstable situation.

I hope my ex doesn't mind me sharing her experience but many years ago while she was attending an Alanon meeting she noticed an older woman (60ish). They got to talking, with the older woman sharing her hard life and that it was too late for her. Following that talk, my ex decided that she didn't want to be in her 60s, only surviving because she didn't make changes. From there, she left her first husband. You know the answer, because you asked the question. As Concreter says, life is already hard, you know you have to leave. You are the rock in this relationship and you can't afford to hold him up as well. Another experience my ex learned in her first relationship, was when she asked him why he did what he did, his response "because you let me". Stop letting him. You can do this.

I think that you need to make up your mind and stick with it. If you are not going to let this happen any more you need to put your foot down-for the health of you and your children. Alanon meetings would help to.

You can do alanon meetings online.

In my first marriage, I had to walk away from everything...house, him, everything; just to make sure my children and I were safe. Keep being strong, and things will be ok. You really do need to join Alanon...I did it online and I was SO helpful.

I agree with everyone's advice. I sometimes look outside myself and think what would I tell another person going through this, and I know the answer. I guess the past haunts me, and my failures at trying to do it on my own cripples me at times. My health has declined over the past 12 yrs of this "lovely" union. My family hasn't been very supportive either. They are acutally tired of hearing about it, with me still being in the situation. As for friends, I only have a few on DS, and they live far away. I get down on myself, because I know i'm not a stupid person, and yet I've made such a stupid decision to stay and try to fix things. I have nothing to work with here. He has never wanted help, or to goto counseling with me. Because of his problems he has a very cold aloof attitude. I guess I figured one day he'd wake up and see what he was losing. Unfortunately he thinks this will just go on forever, and the fact that he knows I'm stuck it just makes him feel more free to screw up and do what he pleases. I know blaming or getting angry isn't productive, but I feel like he's done all of this, and me and the kids are paying for it.

I know I need to just tough it out and do what I have to do. Support would be great right about now, because he has whittled away at my spirit and self esteem. I've been surfing the web for resources. I just wish it was easier to find answers.

As for doing the alanon online, SunnyFl, could you please send me the link?

Thanks so much, and hugz

I really see your dilema. It is extremely detrimental to the handicapped child to have the noise and the upset in his life if he is going to make any type of progress. Any changes can also set this child back in years of therapy! Am I right? Have you joined any Aspberger Support groups? They could actually help you get an attorney to assist you in getting your husband out of the house. They would petition the courts in the best interest of the child!
Also Children and Family Services can assist you in the same manner. Seems to me that your STBX has controlled you by keeping you completely dependent on him, no transportation,, nor personal finances, and you have spent your life staying home taking care of a handicappped child,,, You really inspire me!.. Lets break the control!
I am here to help you if you will allow me to do so!

Illinois is a joint property state. Even if he owned the home before your marriage to him, any equity accumulated in the home (during the marriage) is considered a "marital asset" and subject to division. This applies to any and all bank accounts, 401k's, retirement savings plans and investments. You already own 50% of those! If he quits his job to avoid paying support the courts can put liens on his assets.

A good lawyer can point these things out to you and take proper action to protect you and your children.

Jerri, seems like you got the total picture there. ;)

Sure, its been 10 years since I used them, but here are some I found:

http://www.ola-is.org/

http://www.but1purpose.org/

Try those out, and if you don't like them, google some more. When I used them, it really helped (just like DS).

I have been liviung with an alcoholic for years now. Sometimes he is a happy drunk and sometimes he is a violent drunk. The thing is there is so much help out there for you. You could move out with your children and get help from the state. That is why we have a welfare system. To help someone in critical need and you are in critical need. If you do that and your husband quits his job then the state will deal with him. Through this you may even find some good programs out there for your son that you didn't know existed. I know there are lawyers that will take you oin free of charge, so you can prove your husband to be unfit for the child until he seeks the help he needs. Stay strong and stay true to yourself!