hi I am really fed up just now. It has been over a year since I separated from my husband and have gone through the usual crying on everyone's shoulders, keeping a stiff upper lip while at work and with the kids and sitting on my own trying so hard to work out how much of all this was my fault, what the hell did i do that was so bad? I feel terrible guilt about so much of the lead up to our separation and spend so much time thinking about how he seems to be getting on with his life, sees his child regularly, pays maintenance while i sit and wonder about it all, torture myself on a daily basis. dont get me wrong, i am trying to move on, live my life, socialise etc but every so often i get drawn into a dark place where i am such a failure and feel that my stbx must be so relieved to be rid of me. I relive all the terrible things i said and did, and sometimes believe that i am boring and depressing like he used to tell me. I have stopped mentioning this to my friends and family as they are obviously expecting me to have recovered from all this by now and dont really want to hear what still prays on my mind. I think they just want me to move on and dont want to know that i still hurt like hell, feel lost alone and inadequate. I think i just need to let these things out every now and then to get them out the way. I am usually such a strong person, looking at the best in life and getting on with things but i have changed and dont know why. i am so afraid to say that life was bloody hell sometimes when i was with my stbx but at least i felt there was someone there who, when the chips were down, would support me. People would say 'you surely dont want him back do you?' and i would say 'of course not' but i did. i missed him so much his absence from our home was such a big hole that i didnt feel able to fill it all by myself. i wish i could hate him or even stop loving him but its just not happening. things were truly so bad in the end that i believed i had no feelings left for him, i used to wish he would meet someone else so the decision was taken out of my hands. in the end i had to ask him to leave as he had threatened it so often i could not take anymore (other issues too obviously but not space to mention). as soon as he had the cash from the house he was quite content. i think he was just waiting for me to do the dirty work and tell him to go. i am so hurt and angry lost and confused. sorry this is such a long message, and thanks for taking time to read it, but it has to come out somehow and i know many of you will have been where i am right now and give me some of your wisdom and comfort to get me through this.
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