I don't think that Anyone is Demeaning Anyone else. I Believe that those of us who have "been around" know the cycle.

The sooner a person can look this awful mess in the face, and accept it, the sooner they can reclaim some dignity and learn to stand.

Very Few get back together, it rarely lasts when they do.

Yes, this hurts like HELL!!! We all Hurt. The best thing that We, as Veterans, can do is hold up a beacon for you to follow.

We can send you Hugs for comfort. Listen to your pain, for a bit. Try to teach you to smile again...

We Can't make you pick yourself up. You have the same Will as our stbx's/ex's. You make your own choice on how to FEEL.

I wish that we Could set your feet on the path that leads to healing. Pointing the way seems to be such a small thing.

I hope that you will look at the forum FOR those who are Divorcing with Children. There is one. That is where this is "elevated". On this site EVERYONE is Equal in their Pain.

It may be too early for me,, but I don't quiet understand what you are asking!?

Thanks tami
Well jerriean, what I mean is when veterans give advice on the subject of dealing with stbx's evil behavior. They often tell us to basically get over it. Or when we newbies ask things like "why do they do this to us" veterans overwhelmingly say "just don't think about it" or even worse "don't let it bother you". Like we have the choice. Don't get me wrong if I recognize any pattern in life its that when everybody says the same thing there is very likely merit.
Worse over lol, when I get to call me self a "veteran" I'll be saying the same lines.
:)

Well if anyone here has told you that then I apologize... I don't think any of us are callous enough to actually tell you to get over it or to not to let it bother you! We all know the pain you are going through, first hand.
As a veteran here, I will tell you that I have heard many different stories from many different people and all the pain and anguish is the same and I pray that I have never treated anyone like their individual pain did not matter or brushed their pain off! I am here to listen, to support and to give the advise that I can, in matters that I personally have the experience in. As far as elevating divorce with children, I had very young children during my divorce and it was as hard or harder on them than it was on me. The custody issues were even worse on them. It destroyed their childhood! My kids are grown now and hate the other party and blame them for not allowing them that childhood! The demands of the non-custodial parents to their rights are not always to the best interest of the child. I would love to get my sons to come on here and let these parents hear from young men that actually grew up in this atmosphere hear what kinda hell their lives were, because they were never allowed to be children.
It is a very confusing time for the children. They don't know who they are supposed to love and they don't know how they are supposed to support us! I was a guilty as anyone else in this. If you need more than this, then please feel free to contact me via personal message and talk to me! I really would like to help you as best I can!
Believe me, your pain does matter and we do care!
Hugs!

I don't think anyone in here is advising one way or another. I believe we are all here to help each other through a very difficult time. In the end, each one of us has to make our own decisions on how to proceed with our lives. When I came to this site, it was not looking for answers. It was looking for people to share experiences with in order to help my progress in my grieving.

Marriage is a two way street and if one of the partners does not want to make it work then no amount of "fighting for the marriage" by one party can make it work.

I certainly agree with the emotional stress having an effect on physical health. Unfortunately, we just need to find ways of dealing with the stress that goes with a separation or divorce. Yes it sucks. Yes it is easier said then done. But hearing the experiences of others that have been through it hopefully will help others dealing with the pain.

Sorry you feel that way. There can be so much misunderstanding when reading the written word rather than talking face to face.

By telling someone not to look at the behavior of the stbx, we are trying to get you to focus on You. Not to be callous.

This is a very hard thing to learn to do...but it will Save Your Life and Sanity.

This is my second divorce. The first one-I was a mess for 2 solid years. I couldn't stop being a yo-yo for that man. I was consumed with anxiety and thoughts and pain. I NEVER took my thoughts off of Him and how to get him back. I NEVER looked at how to care for ME. It was HELL!!!

Thank God people here got hold of me. Immediately they were telling me to Focus on MY NEEDS. Focus my thoughts on what I could do for ME when I flashed on Him.

I also read a book by Susan Anderson, there is an excerpt in my profile. It gave me keys to my prison door.

We have the Greatest opportunity for Great Change during our times of Greatest Pain. That is how we work out of this.

grace36 thats another good point. I am a newbie to posting um billboards ... whatever, but I have chatted way back when was single and know that the bottom line then or there is to get booty. I would love to chat or even talk with some of my friends on here. Yet I always feel like I may be crossing a boundary because it could be mis-understood. I just sometimes (especially when in crises) cant wait an hour or days for a response.

As a veteran, I can certainly say that I feel your pain. And when I give advice to move on or look to the future or focus on yourself or not ask 'why' (because there really is no answer) I always try to include in my response that I know it is easier to say these things than to actually do them. So often, we know what we need to do but we also need a period to grieve before we can take those steps. Looking back and seeing the agony that I went through to get where I am I can only hope that others will see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

As to fighting for your marriage, I can only say that most of us have sacrificed and fought to the point where it almost devasted us to have to give up. Looking at the past eight months that I have kept tabs on this site, I cannot say that I have seen more than 1 or 2 'success' stories where people have dropped out of the site because they were back together. You can't save a marriage when the other party does not want it to be saved. I fought for two years before I gave in and realized it was useless. I only wish I had that time back. Good luck in your healing!

I guess that I'm a veteran since my separation happened 10 months ago and my divorce was final 4 months ago. I would never tell anyone to "get over it". The pain is very real. I would tell them that it does get better with time...and it does. In my situation my life is certainly now a better one than anything I ever had with him and thinking about going back to that pain is something I would never want to do. As for working things out...sure, if BOTH parties are willing to do whatever it takes, then by all means, make the marriage work. However, if you look at a lot of the postings...many of us have gone through abuse, infidelity, alcohol abuse, and drug abuse...some even have worse stories to tell that they've lived through. I guess now that I'm out of that situation, I can't imagine ever putting myself in a situation like it ever again. Abusers and cheaters rarely change for long...I just hate for someone who has been in that position to set themself up for hurt again...though it would be wonderful if families never had to be torn apart in the first place.

I'm sorry that you are going through such pain...just make it through every day and concentrate on being happy whether it's with your wife or on your own.

I think the reason it sounds as if veterans are saying "get over it" is because we have come to know that we cannot convince our stbx/exes to take us back, wake up, see what they are losing/giving up, see that they are hurting us, etc. because they don't care.

They have already justified in their minds why they are doing this and our feelings don't matter a whole helluva lot to them.

Veterans tell newbies to "pick themselves up" because it's the only way you can heal and be healthy for yourself and your children. And if you are hopeful of getting back with your spouse, then at least if you are working on yourself, you will be a better person if they are willing/ready to work on your relationship.

It's not belitting anyone's feelings, it's just that you can't heal holding on to the what ifs, shoulda's, woulda's coulda's because you can't change the past.

ALL SAID IN LOVE of course!

hth

Well, I would like to encourage you to fight for your marriage. If you love your wife and family then by all means trust God to help and heal your marriage.

I was married for almost 16 years and stood and believed God for the restoration of my marriage.

I know the pain, frustration and heart ache. I also know that God did some wonderful things during the time that I waited for him to restore my family.

Although my divorce is final. I still love my husband. I am not bitter with him, I still get mad at him. But I know that God is working things out in him and me.

Perhaps we will re-marry each other. If not, at least be the best parents we can be.

I hate divorce. It is ugly and painful. But I can not make anyone do anything they dont want to do.

Now grieving is a process. Believe me, I have had all of the physical symtoms, depression, anger, denial. All of that.

Veterans are not justing to belittle your situation or feelings. We are simply trying to find a new place in our lives.

Trouble dont last always.!

I think we all advocate tryign to saving your marriage but certain things simply are not tolerable

a) physical abuse
b) sexual abuse
c) abusing your children


so my philosophy is.. you know deep in your heart if it is worth saving. you know if you are willing to try and if she is willing to try?

Explore every avenue. search your heart be able to look your children in the eye and know you simply did everything humanly possible to save your marriage and not let your kids be brought up in a broken home.....

but we all leave that judgement to you. We simply dont know you well enough.

you must decide, then ask us for suggestions and be prepared to hear everything....

Would you rather us lie or sugar coat things for you? The reality is, you WILL have to 'get over it'. Not to be callous but telling you to fight for your marriage would be giving bad advice. I know that in the early stages of my break up I fought like crazy, it only brought me more pain and misery. If I can save someone some of that pain by making them realize that its the wrong way to go, then I will do or say what needs to be said, especially if there is cheating or abuse involved, and this appears to be a common theme here.

I believe in fighting for marriage and family and I think there are many others in here that do, also. But the problem is that one spouse cannot save a marriage alone;it takes two. Many of us have realized that fighting for what we hold dear is simply rejected...and that hurts deeply. Yes, emotional stress does affect one's physical health - I certainly agree with that. I don't see demeaning the "physical torture that goes with heartache" happening here...and if it is, or you perceive it in that light...I am so sorry. Going thru separation/breakups/divorce...well I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. We are all struggling at different levels in adjusting to the changes occuring in our lives...changes that we did not wish for...but nonetheless....we are in the "survival mode" and searching as you, to find some sense, peace and happiness out of this nightmare.
As far as children and family...that takes it to another level because in that case, there are innocent, precious children who are witnessing the erosion of love between their parents...and that is something a young mind has great difficulty with accepting. They need help...they need reassurance...they need love...even when you are hurting and feel like you can't go on.
OK...that's my two cents worth, in my opinion.
Remember, IF you are in crises...seriously...at the bottom on this page there is a link for crisis hotlines.

You...are not alone!