I have come to realize one VERY hard fact. The ONE thing I want more than anything in this life, to have my family back together, is NOT going to happen. That is an almost impossible thing to swallow. I will move on, not because I want to, but because I have to. What other choice is there. Not suicide, leave my boys with that legacy for the rest of their lives, can't do that to them. Reconcile, live with the fact the affairs happened twice and will most likely happen again, I would be in the mental ward within a few years. So obviously, there is no choice but to move on with life as best as I can. I KNOW, not think but KNOW, this will be a scar I will carry with me for the rest of my life. It will affect every aspect of my life because it has changed me. It has made me better in some ways, I "feel" more, I express myself more, I reach out more. But it has also damaged me, I trust less, I am not there EVERYDAY to watch my sons grow and learn so that makes me very angry and I am very indecisive now. I will survive this, no doubt, it's feelings and feelings do not have the power to kill you, they can make you happy, mad or down right leveled, but not kill you. I am not saying these things looking for sympathy, or to piss people off, or pass judgement on anyone, this is me and the situation I am in. Everyone is different and everyone has a reason for divorce. Infidelity, abuse and a host of other reasons are to blame. A year and a half ago would I have changed my decision if I knew then what I knew now ? I will not lie, at times yes. But the fact is, I AM DIVORCED, and nothing is ever going to change that, nothing.
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