Tuff question. I guess my reply would be what will it hurt if you do try to salvage the marriage. The choice is yours.

I do not know your situation but I can tell you that I felt the same way. However, my ex refused to participate in anything constructive. Everything was all my fault. Fault is something that people place on their spouse when they are afraid to take responsibility for their own actions. It sounds like you are willing for responsibility and growth and she is not.

I cut my losses and divorced. It was just final. I will tell you it hurts very much eventhough it was the best thing for me. The mistake I made was holding on for some of the same reasons you posted. I held on for 33 years. That was too long. A lot of lie was lost in the process.

There will always be unfinished emotional business in a relationship that ends. It sounds like you are wanting to be heard but no one is listening. That is a really hard thing to accept.

Definitely go ahead with counseling but why does she have to pick one? If you dont try everything available (like the article states) then you will question yourself about it later.

Yes go get the councelling. Hear and see things from her side. Just listen maybe she has a few points and maybe she has missed some of yours. Maybe sincere appologies spoken in councelling could mend some hurts. Maybe it can't. You haven't done everything until you have tried. Good luck!!

If she is willing then I say do the counseling! At least you know you gave everything you had to make it work. Just take it slow and don't expect too much. Hang in there!

i think it's worth it to go. it certainly can't hurt. esp b/c you have kids it will be good to work/talk things out this way with a counselor. continue to see a therapist on your own in addition to seeing one w/her. even if you part ways, it could be on better terms and good for the relationship you will continue to have considering the children.

i think you should go ahead with the counselling. just for yourself. you will really benefit from it. it may not save your marriage or put it back together - but it will help you recognize & realize a lot of things about yourself as a person, a man and a husband.

but why does she get to pick? why can't that be a mutal decision? there's no reason ya'll can't try a few out before you decide on one.

if it will help the 2 of you see what you've done right, what you've done wrong & help give you perspective on how to put humpty dumpty back together again...then i'm all for it.

and also, just from my perspective, i think she may really benefit from counseling. you always say that she says everything is your fault.

it's NEVER always ONLY 1 persons fault. it takes 2.
now, true...there are most definitly situations where one partner has done something above & beyond "bad"...but i honestly feel that even those of us who feel we were completely done wrong by our ex's...absolutely & completely f'd over by our ex's...i think even we can find at least 1 thing we could have done different, better.

why can't she seem to see that?

Ask her if it will make a difference if you hear, acknowledge and understand all the details of what she sees and how she sees it. Or does she feel she's on a road that can't be changed?

That seems to be a fair question and isn't trying to force her into something she doesn't want. If the only reason for counseling is to give her a new forum to air her grievances, then it's only going to hurt you more and give you false hope.

But if she responds positively, then you'll know that it won't be a waste of emotions and time. It's the first step to any possible reconcilitation.

Been thinking of everyones answer. If she is only going to apease me then she is not going to get anything out of it. She will not allow herself to listen with open ears and mind. She states we can see all the details of her and not stating that she wants to see any of my details. So I feel that she needs to want it. What do you think???

I don't think it would hurt to try it at this point as long as you don't go into it with any false hope. It might be good for her to hear an objective person's opinion on you situation since your words do not seem to reach her. She needs to listen to your side of it also though. The therapist should not let it be a forum for her to rip on you. Good luck!

if she doesn't want it...it won't help her. or your marriage. she'g going into it with a closed mind. what good will that do? you are right - she has to want to do it, be open to it - in order for it to do any good at all. forcing her or appeasing her only makes it worse. in my opinion. but again...i think it would do you a world of good. for yourself. for your kids. for any future relationship you may have - with your wife or someone else. don't misunderstand me - if getting back with her is a viable option - then work on it by all means - BUT....it takes 2. both partners have to be willing to lay open all the ugly...and have it looked at, examined, picked apart. otherwise - what is the sense???? and if this doesn't work with her...then you have at least taken a huge, giant, great step towards healing - towards understanding yourself better - towards being a better man, a better father - and a better husband/lover - to another woman who will so appreciate the work you've done.

Just remember. You cant make or force ANYONE to see your point of view, come to a conclusion on anything in life, realize how you feel, or want to do anything. They have to come to it on their own. If they are not willing and only half ass it. It wont work, trust me.. I know from personal experience.