Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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deleted_user 11/21/2007

First off..i know..get a lawyer and quick! Working on the finances but in the meantime i have to handle things outside of those parimiters.

I have not seen my children in 3 weeks.Saw them last on Halloween wher i met stbx in the city to take the kids trick or treating.They are 4 and 10.

Here is my problem.I "walked' out on my marriage and am seeking divorce and i have my reasons.Those of you who know me..understand why.Because i left i do not feel it is emotionally benefitial to her or my kids to walk back into the door of my old home and her house now.My in-laws despise me an i also am not welcome there nor would i put myself in that situation.

My stbx has threatened to "crucify" me in this divorce and make me pay "to my dieing day"..her words.The issue is i want to see my kids but she will only let me see them(hasn't agreed to meeting ,etc) if i go to her house or her parents.This was not a direct statement per se but rather by proxy.In other words about the only choice i have.Because i work 6 days a week / 12 hrs a day it is often 7/8 o'clock at night before i get off.Sundays are my free days and i have even suggested we meet at church.To no avail.

I could relent and go to her house at any time and see my kids.It is about a 45 min drive into the country.The problem i face is that i would be alone with her with "no witnesses" so she fabricate anything if she so chose to going forward.(Keep in mind she "made up a pregnancy as recently as 2 weeks ago)This in conjunction with the emotional toll walking back in could put on my kids.It could be confusing especially for the younger one.I balance this against my desire and desperation to see my kids.I am at a loss.Theirs a part of me that says screw it..let her manipulate me but at least i get to see them but than wisdom chimes in and says not to.It's the true devil on one shoulder and angel on the other picture for me.

How do i see my kids and not allow her to manipulate me or the situation? How do i protect myself and see them? I feel like i am in a true "lose/lose" situation and the worst part is..she could be telling them anything and than when they don't see me..who are they going to believe.I do talk to them almost nightly btw.:) but i just want to hold them,look them in their eyes,tell them i love them,and be there for them.:( Sorry for the legnth! Thanks for any and all imput!
_Savery1

deleted_user 11/21/2007

I was in your kids' shoes when i was a child, and my advice is this: see your kids at their house for now. When the legal stuff is worked out, you may be able to have things differently, but for now, you need to see your kids regardless of your feelings about their mom.

After my parents separated, my brother and I didn't see our bio-dad for over a year, because he didn't want to see our mom. Those wounds run deep and are not easily healed.

deleted_user 11/21/2007

You are going to have to deal with this through an attorney!

Right now she is able to say that you abandoned her and the children..not saying that's what you did but that is what she is able to say.

I agree it is not wise at this point to be with her in a situation where it would be your word against hers. Meeting at her parents puts you on HER turf so to speak. You need an attorney and a child advocate for your children.

It is also unfair that your children don't get to see YOU. Best of luck.

deleted_user 11/21/2007

you said something about meeting at church. could someone you both know from church go with you? this must be very hard, your very smart to not meet alone if she is capable of making things up. regardless of how your in-laws feel if they are willing to let you come and see the kids at their house that is what i would do, so what if they hate you, you love your kids and they love you. go see them.

CanadianRose 11/21/2007

Well yes.. get a lawyer... and handle it the legal way.. and have no contact.

Since your financing for the lawyer does not seem to exist.. why not just agree to meet with her.

Call her now.. tell her you agree to go over there and visit the children.
Take 2 mates with you. Take two pple who will accompany you over there. Neutral parties who will not be there to upset things..they could be silent the whole time as a matter of fact. Pple the kids know if possible.

Do not tell her you are bringing over anyone with you.

deleted_user 11/21/2007

My oldest brother went through this several years ago. So he had a friend to go with him each time he went to see his kids. It's beneficial to you for your own protection and to your children because they get to see you and not have an ugly environment going on while you're visiting. Your wife will be watching her p's and q's if there is someone with you. Protect yourself and love those kids inspite of what she wants and is trying to control this situation. Good luck and God bless you and your children.

deleted_user 11/21/2007

JM: I'm not seeing my kids because of how i feel about her.I'm not seeing them because she essentially is making it difficult for me to unless it's on her "terms".Those "terms" could hurt me in the end

Courier: According to the State of Okla.(where we reside) legal abandonment is only found if one spouse or the other leaves and has "NO CONTACT" with the other or and dependants for i calendar year.

Churop: Can't go to in-laws.I am not welcome in their home plus they are 100% behing her(blood thicker than water). Her dad is a local hero(okc bombing/911) and retired policeman.He knows alot of influencial people and judges.I would be a fool to go there.

deleted_user 11/21/2007

Rose: I considered the friend approach and on it's merit it sounded ok but it's not fool proof.I don't know who to trust where "Our" friends are concerned and if i chose someone she could still manipulate that situation.(he's my buddy..of course he gonna protect me mentality..she would say).

The other issue is the toll on the kids with going to her house.I think it could send the wrong message emotionally.Don't you think? Even if i "explain" that i am just there to see them ,etc.I feel it could open the door up to hope for them,especially cause it's at the home we shared.

deleted_user 11/21/2007

Savery, the most important thing is for you to see your kids. Not seeing you is more hurtful to them, than seeing you walk in their front door. Take a friend (or more) with you, carry a mini cassette recorder during the visit if you like (make sure she is aware you have it and are using it), just go see your kids. When visitation is offered, and it is refused, it doesn't look very good on the refusing party (regardless of how valid they believe their reasons are). Also, you are right, she could be telling them anything and your not being around is going to prove it to young minds who have not really learned yet to give the benefit of the doubt. Most states have recognized it is not in the children's best interests for one parent to pit the children against the other parent (but sadly it still happens all the time). Look up parental alienation and protect yourself if you really believe that your stbx would be vindictive enough to use your kids againt you.

deleted_user 11/21/2007

Contact a child advocate program and see if you can have one of them go with you when you visit. maybe that could help because they would be unbiased. just a thought.

deleted_user 11/21/2007

I've got to say at this point you seem unwilling to take anyone's advice..at least that's what I'm getting from your responses.

deleted_user 11/21/2007

Courier: Nah..i just over analyze stuff to the dickins.lol. Guess i'm just thinking about all the possibilities.Never been in this situation and i'm probably a little gun shy. No idea or advice is perfect obviously but just trying to use wisdom.
Sorry if i seem unwilling to adhere to anyones advice..that is not my intent and i do appreciate ALL of it!

deleted_user 11/21/2007

I know what you mean about confusing the kids, this happened to me when I was very young. I still think it was better that I saw the parent.

You really need to get a lawyer without delay. Crucify you? The 50s are over.

deleted_user 11/21/2007

You seem more worried about yourself than those poor kids. It's just sad.

deleted_user 11/21/2007

Cvgl: yes maam..if she can't have me..no one will.That's her mentality.

I like the recorder idea along with a mediator/advocate/friend.

Doesn't address the emotional issues with the kids but ..don't really think that one has an answer.

deleted_user 11/21/2007

You just need to remember that you should tell her on the recording that you are recording. Otherwise it can be inadmissible in court.

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