Robert

I feel for you. I've been watching your story infold for sometime, I can wave a magic wand and make this all go away, I wish I could.

As easy as it is to say, you need to forgive your self of your mistakes, learn the lessons fate has taught you and move on with your life.

You are young and strong. You have a future. But you need to stop dwelling in the past.

The only thing you can control is today. Even if that's minute by minute.

There are women out there that will love you for who you are, with all the passion you deserve.

Hang in there.

Okay, I don't mean this to sound mean, but maybe some counseling would help so that you get to know yourself and so you choose more wisely when looking for a mate. You deserve happiness.

Brother, you have some major healing to do. But you're right, a relationship isn't a relationship unless all the pieces are there. You hit the nail on the head I think with the co-dependency thing. I think sadly you've fallen into a hole of thinking that if you love hard enough it's ok no matter what they do. It boils down to this...Love is only love...when you're loved in return.

Please, don't beat yourself up with what-if's. You and I both have to learn "acceptance" and move on. I just wrote the words out loud this morning that when I got married in 1999, I was actually unhappy on my wedding day. How's that for not paying attention? But here I am, 8 years later, and I simply have to get a move on! I am so sorry that you are hurting and regretting and feeling your loss. Wish I had magic words to make it go away --- I am actually very bad at giving advice, but wanted you to know that I heard you this morning. Just being heard helps me some.

You have some issues that need to be worked out with help by a professional. Please seek it out.

Therapy is a must. You need to never be in such a sad state of a relationship again.

Everybody here has conveyed what I would suggest so I'll just offer you support at this time. Heal Therapy and then Love.

Yes, I have been in counseling for years now. My best friend said the other night that she wishes she could put me in contact with my ex-girlfriend who is at the center of this problem and get her to finally tell me to my face that her allegations were not real and that I did nothing wrong that night. I've considered trying to contact her (I do know where she lives--I looked her up a few years ago). But, I'm afraid to face her and I am concerned that it could cause her problems and pain, too.

My wife was well-aware of my past rape allegation--I trusted her with knowing about that so it would not hurt our relationship. Unfortunately, I think she used that knowledge against me.

As for my wife, one of the things we have discussed is me asking her whether I could have had a sexual relationship with her if I had just tried harder. I think hearing her say "yes" would make me feel a little better, like I'm not completely repulsive. So far, she has told me it would never have happened, even though I don't believe her. I can think of at least 2 chances that I had that I blew because I was being "the nice guy." Once when we decided to get married and once a few months after we were living together and went out and she told me she was giving herself completely to me (she was a little drunk). That night, I took her home and really should've tried, but she was too drunk and got sick about 5 times that night--I couldn't bring myself to try anything that night!

I am currently popping anti-depressants because this all just feels so damn bad! I've been crying my eyes out because some damn Russian a-hole has had my wife and now she's pregnant with his kid and that should be OUR kid! And, now I'm losing her back to Russia and I see no chances to ever take care of our past problems....

Robert. Whether you want to hear it or not I have to "Mr Blunt" with you again.

Your wife wasn't the right person for you. I know inside you feel she was. But everybody on this board would agree with me that 99% of what you have said about your marriage, interactions with her, and just who she is as a person tells us that this was friggin' toxic man.

There will be sometime in your life, someday, where you will meet that person that is "right". I hope you don't miss it by hanging on to the past too tightly.

Robert I am so sorry for your pain. This has got to be so very very hard. I think maybe a new counselor would help. At some point you need to forgive yourself and move on. I don't think contacting the girl would help. We talked on here about perception and reality, hers is probably different than yours, but that doesn't make it true. I am so so sorry for your pain.

Honestly, I don't think I ever blamed myself for what happened in my past. Even the girlfriend admitted to me that it wasn't "really" rape. But, whenever I'm in an intimate situation with a girl, I just can't help worrying if it is ok or if there is a problem and if I'm hurting her, etc. With my wife, she had built a barrier between us so that whenever I tried to get romantic or passionate with her, she'd get EXTREMELY cold and frigid. To the point, that a few months ago, I even confronted her asking if she had ever been sexually-abused, because that was how she was acting. (she said no).

I now actually think that the real reason why she put up that barrier was because she was terrified that she might actually be able to fall in love with me and would wind up betraying the boyfriend. She already admitted to me last week that the mean things she was saying to me before she didn't actually mean and that she was doing it to attempt to put herself in denial about our relationship.

She knows very well just how much I love her and I firmly believe that if she let her guard down, things would happen. (and not just sex, either--the actual FEELINGS that we should have been experiencing). This is part of what makes it so painful is because I look back just even a few weeks ago and see that if I did things a little differently, our whole situation could be totally different. Now, there may be no way to go back and fix things.

I'm just praying that if I truly show her the love and forgiveness that I have for her that she'll stop and think about what the right decisions are. If there was not the threat of her going back to Russia and it being impossible for me to ever see her again, I'd feel better. But, as of right now, 3-4 months from now, she will be going back permanently and I will probably never see her again!

Robert you seem like such a sincere man. It is sad that we get with the wrong people sometime. You have so much to offer someone.

I honestly wish that someone in the "real world" would realize that! Funny, because my wife made some comments that how I'm treating her after all of this is absolutely amazing to her. Even she is totally shocked with how sincere I am to her and how much I actually love her. I guess I'm 100% proof of "unconditional love."

I'd hope that maybe it will cause her to think a bit about what she's doing and what she's going to lose. I've been crying every day for about 3 weeks now (since this all started). Monday night when I pick her up at the airport, I don't even know how I'm going to be able to contain myself. We need so bad to spend some time alone together to just let out all of the emotions. I know she needs it, too--she even said she does. I just want to hold her so tight and cry for like an hour.

And, now I just find out that apparently it looks like in Florida, we can't even get divorced while she is pregnant. Also, I actually can file to prevent her from leaving the country while pregnant until the tests can be done to prove it's not mine. (they won't do it until after the birth). While it's tempting, I really don't want to go that route.

This is going to be VERY complicated and painful no matter what happens.