I went to my counselor this afternoon. I talked to him about the moments of saddness that I feel. How I just miss my husband. He told me that I am processing things very normally, that I am mourning my husband and who he used to be. That I lost John A and now John B has replaced him. It helped me to make sense of things. I keep thinking that I should be moving on faster, he said no that if I was it would be abnormal. I am mourning the loss of someone I spent 30 years with, it will take time. Also when I told him I have no desire to date, and that I feel like I will never find a person that I will want to love again. He also said that is how I should feel at this stage, that I have a lot of healing to do before I am ready to start a new relationship. That my stbx, skipped that step. He divorced for the wrong reason. Anyway I felt less of a saddness after talking with him. I need to allow myself to mourn. To feel what I am feeling. At least the days like this are becoming less. It gives me hope seeing my darling adopted daughter coming back to herself after her great loss. I too will be back, but stronger and wiser. This was in my journal, but someone suggested I post it as it might help someone else.
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