Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

7 Online
7 Online

married but not married

This is my first time here and not sure if it's where I belong or not.
Will try to keep things short but informative.

I'm female, 66 yrs. old, have major medical problems which cause chronic pain and have kept me from working for many years.
I am married to this guy for now 36 yrs. It has evolved into a marriage of convenience by mutual agreement. he is an alcolic but ceased drinking when he got busted by the military in '86....the mentality has not changed.

To the people he works with, he's a "god"...wonderful, kind, thoughtful, considerate, yada, yada, yada.

They do not see the emotionally abusive person he is. I can't leave because of my my medical issues, would lose my secondary ins. because it's via the military, could never afford private ins. With the COL so darn high,,couldn't afford to rent anyplace. Can't draw disability because I didn't work long enough....I spent those years being full time maintenace man and chief cook and bottle washer.
My kids are well grown and have families of thier own and no time for me.
They are happy though and as far as they are concerend, that's all I ever wanted.

There was a huge blow-up here Sun. afternoon because I'd had to hire someone to mow our huge yard, my spine does not allow me to do even use the rider without paying dearly in pain. When he found that out, everything broke loose and a horrid arguement broke out, causing me flashbacks to the days of physical abuse though they stopped in '87.
No, he won't do anything around here because he "works".
Whatever he has done has always been bass-ackwards or did more damage than was already done.

What I'm wondering, are there any other senior citizens stuck in this boat?
My therp has told me more than once I am beyond help, partly because I will not leave, she doesn't seem to "get it" that financially I am stuck here.
That's been the case with every therp. I've seen.
I have major depression/panic-anxiety/ ptsd from a lifetime of physical and mental abuse. Labeled as a "drug seeker" from going to one to many psych dr.s trying to find and AD that might help things. Current one asked me last month which med I wanted to try after he'd tried just one and I couldn't tolerate the side effects.
What couple friends I had in the real world have their own issues, I've been dissed more than once on other boards here or via pm's. One even said I should just go ahead and die. I'd vented Sun. about the H*** that happened but clearly stated that suicide was not an option, though I wish it were, I just wanted to hurry up and die. This person was a "friend" who promptly deleted me which is fine if she couldn't "get it".
I was so upset, I never thought to lock the darn thing. I won't journal on here anymore, I don't need those repurcussions.
I no longer accept friend requests, better alone than the other.
I admit, I'm hyper-sensitive to comments from others, especially negative ones. I use to be able to let things roll off my back by "working" them out, i.e. yard work and such....can't do that anymore because of my spine.
Got a dog for companionship, she's awesome but finding I can't really "bond " with her now either:(

As I said, just wondering if there are any others my age trying to live like this????

thanx for your time.....

marcie

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Where to start...OK I'll begin with the "dissing" issue. I think when some people see people that just want to gripe forever and never take any action to get better, its detrimental to them. Not saying you are one of them because I don't know you and have never read your posts, but people who become chronically negative and emotional vampires cause people to bail to save their own sanity. Some others are just intolerant, some are just rude, some really don't get it because theve never been there, whatever.

Now I receive disbality for anxiety and depression. If you have received treatment for it, and are not just self diagnosed and claining to be anxious and depressed, I don't see why you can't receive it if you go to one of those firms that specialize in getting people disabilty. It may take 6 months or so. Its worth a try.

You're 66, what about social security, medicar and food stamps.

You say you have a huge yard. Huge house too? Get an attorney, file for divorce, force the sale of the home, he will more than likely have to pay you alimony, all the things women here have or are facing and have to do to take contol of their own lives again

And yes, he's a dry drunk. Its great that he no longer drinks but he didn't do the work. Make it his issue not yours and start taking baby steps to make positive changes. We're all doing it here. You deserve happiness.
Misred
Misred

I agree with NewAgain and I also think her suggestions are worth trying out. When I left my marriage I lost my health insurance too. Even though I had a job my employer didn't offer health insurance. My marriage was unhealthy for me. Some of my illnesses went away after the divorce. A lot of the things I feared might happen if I left the marriage (22 years) never happened.

Only thing we have to fear is fear itself. ~ FDR

I started going back to church too. Received great support through my church family. I also found that by taking the focus off my problems and situation and putting them on other things I felt less helpless.

Good luck
immarcie
immarcie

My mental issues are well documented....disability isn't an option because at the time the disabilities began, I was not aware that things like major depression/anxiety were considered as such...went to vocational rehabilitation trying to secure a job of some form at the time but, because of those and the beginnings of the spinal deterioration, was told I did not qualify for any help. The documentation I have from back then is considered to old and insufficient for even an "ambulance chaser" to take my case. My original documentation was from the military and bulk of those records were destroyed. The documentation from civilian drs. is also lost since those dr.s had closed their practices.
I've not been physically able to work since the late 80's because of the severity of the depression/anxiety and then in the early-mid 90's my spine went out to the point I am virtually housebound. I do draw a whopping $150 SS and am on Medicare. Because I have to see so many specialists for the spinal conditons, I'd never be able to pay the co-pays. What I would receive in alimony puts me just over income guidelines for any state aid, i.e., food stamps, medicaid. I don't even qualify for disabled housing because of not receiving disabilty benefits.
I had already talked to one of the best divorce attorneys here to check into options. Took pics of this house with me to see what the likelihood would be of selling and also shared them with a few realtors and they said we'd be lucky to get what was owed on it let alone anything more....the place was in better shape then vs. what it is now.
Yes, I would get alimony but nothing near enough to remotely make ends meet.
I have explored whatever resources I knew of or could locate through others, the situation is such, I must remain here.

IF my mobility were not so limited, I would do more in a heartbeat!!!!
I still have not "accepted" these limitations, I've always been able to do everything myself and never once complained about any of it.

I respect you have no reason to believe me but I can only say what is.

I was only wondering if anyone else was in this boat and how they were coping.

I am aware of people that are chronically negative and emotional vampires....all I'd done was put a vent, and labeled it as such in my journal. I've worked hard not to do the pity party routine, only posting validation to others, as I did in my comment to bluesapphire. I told her I hoped she would be able to find peace in her own life.

Thank you for your thoughts....
deleted_user
deleted_user

you should follow NewAgain's advice and file for disability then divorce. if approved, you could move someplace in the Midwest where the cost of living is reasonable and make a new life. you could do something like a modest home based business for extra income.

you have to try to do those things or people will get too overloaded while listening to your complaints over and over. they would have to end their friendships with you.
deleted_user
deleted_user

marcie, please don't give up. turn over every rock. research every option. look for answers. and try to come up with ideas. at your age, you deserve a break and i hope that you can find solutions.
immarcie
immarcie

Understood....thank you as well for sharing your thoughts.

My spine is only going to continue it's downhill road, that's the nature of it and no matter what I do/don't do.....it will never get better. I do my meditation and relaxation things to help with the pain/depression but there remain less than good days. I just don't discuss them.

I explained in another post/reply about my disability claim and why I don't qualify for it.

I do not want nor need any pity/sympathy...I merely wondered if anyone else's back was against the wall. I reach out to support others whenever I can...working from home, even on the pc is not an option because I cannot sit for more than 10 min. or so at a time and that's on a good day.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I'd also just like to say I thought I too was just finished. I was despndent and remember quite vividly laying on the floor in my house and begging God to just take me. I couldn't cope.

Don't know how. Don't know why. But tiny miracles happened, and though I have had some BAD days, I seem to have made it. No explaination for it really. Grace. The light started to come in.

Good things happen.
dody
dody

Marcie

Can/will your adult children help? I can't imagine them not wanting to help their mother.

What I can do is send you prayers and support!

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not harm you", "Plans to give you hope and a future" ~Jeremiah 29:11
sandysan5743
sandysan5743

Marcie- have you thought of leaving him, applying for Medicaid (free health insurance), Section VIII Housing (virtually paid for), food stamps? In my state, NY, there are perfectly HEALTHY young people that get all of the above - do not work ONE bit and live completely taken care of by the government. And in your situation, you are one of those people that NEED that assistance!!! As long as you living there with your husband, stay away from him. Don't make arrangements to mow the lawn - let him worry about that shit. If the grass grows up so high you can't see out the windows - that's HIS problem. Don't make waves. Don't engage him, don't annoy him. IGNORE him.
Misred
Misred

You wrote he is former military. Did he retire? If so you are entitled to 1/2 of that
immarcie
immarcie

You have to be married 20 of their 20 yrs. active duty....I was only married to him for 15 of the 20 so not entitled to that. That's the same reason I'd lose the miitary ins.

As far as any kind of state aid...I've seen it more times than I care to say, people that have never worked, let alone are disabled, living like fat cats compliments of the government. I'm not that kind of person and I did look into that at the same time I talked to the lawyers.
I may be in need but since I don't lie and cheat on things, I don't qualify.

He's gone 97% of the time and when he's physically here, he's either on his pc or x-box. Weekends he's out doing flea markets, yard sales, etc....then gets back here and is on his x-box or pc.
Rarely do we encounter one another.....when we do, there are times things break loose but I do avoid him as much as possible and even that causes issues.

It'll all work out, one way or another, I'm sure.

I merely wondered if there was anyone else in this situation was all.
I apologize for not making myself more clear.

Thank you all for your kindness and suggestions...they are much appreciated.
I truly do hope everyone has/finds peace in their own lives......
deleted_user
deleted_user

What about checking out the local women's shelter? I believe there is someone else on here currently that went there with a child. She was in the same boat - didn't work because she had a small child at home. She got some really good help and seems to be in a better place now.

There are lots of people on here who seem to have their backs against the wall, but someone they manage to get out of whatever mess they're in. The only sure thing is that, to do nothing, nothing will ever change. Change begins with us.

I get that you want your kids to be happy and not be a burden on then, but I would hope, if you raised them properly (and I have no doubt you did), that they would be more than willing to help you out with whatever kind of assistance you need to get a divorce and start a life of your own. It never hurts to ask. That' what family is for. You did things for them while they were children, and it's their time to return the favor. It's hard asking for help from our kids, but you'd be surprised how willing they can be to help out.

Don't stop looking for ways out of this nightmare.
immarcie
immarcie

My son and his wife work long, hard hours and barely have time for their own family....I've offered pay him for a couple hrs. help but he just doesn't have time.

I do have all my material needs met which is far more than many do, I'm no longer being beaten which also counts for a lot.

I won't be leaving but will continue to work on myself and find new coping strategies re. my chronic pain and the rest of this.....

The shelter only helps women with children in violent situations...as I said, I've tapped every possible resource and some that were rather remote and this is as good as it gets for now.

With my health going downhill as fast as it is, more than likely I won't be living here this winter anyway....once I cannot walk at all, I'll be going in a nursing home for whatever time I have left.

I will be ok...there is no other acceptable alternative.

Peace be with you all.......
ScarletAngel
ScarletAngel

I still don't understand why you don't qualify for disability. What exact reason are you given for being denied disability benefits? Have you actually applied, or have you been told by others that you wouldn't qualify?
immarcie
immarcie

I did apply....the problem is I did not work long enough hence pay in enough to draw any more SS than I do, as well as insufficeint documentation of disability for SSD. I would need comprehensive paperwork from 1988 which does not exist any longer.

When I could no longer keep a job, I had no idea depression was considered a disability, at the time, that dx was kept hidden because of the stigma attached to it. By the time I found out it was a basis, too much time had passed from my original dx...there no longer existed any documentation to prove anything. Military records, where I was first dx'd had been destroyed, the one paper I had with the dx on it, was not sufficient proof, the dx'ng dr. had lost his license, all his documentation was long gone as well.
Basically, by the time I found out I might have a case for SSD, it was too late, insufficient documentation from the original dx, to prove my case....yes, I'd been to several lawyers and gotten the same response...even the "ambulance chasers" wouldn't take the case without sufficient documentation.

Please believe me, I have done my homework in all areas and there simply are no resources I can tap into as long as I am an honest person and I will not compromise that for any reason.

This is my "baby" and only I can rock it.

I will be ok...as I said before, things will work out eventually. til then I just need to learn new coping skills to get me through my here and now.