
Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

julik
I hear a lot of people (including myself) who have gone through Marriage Counseling. I made a lot of progress but stbx did not. As a matter of fact, he said its over and stopped going. He has now chosen to move out, and will be moving out in 2-1/2 weeks. We don't have children and he's moving 35 miles away, so I don't really see us bumping into each, or having needs to communicate - much. I'm not sure if he intends on filing for divorce, when he drinks he says he's divorcing me, then other times he'll say - lets see what a year does. (He has a year's lease). I'm not going to "wait" around for him, but I know if somehow we got 'interested' again, there would be a lot of work to do. I've seen a lot of things on the web for Marriage Recovery/Enrichment weeks or programs. I've read several of the books which kind of go over the principles. Most don't focus on problem solving or conflict resolution, or problems between the two of you - like therapy does, but rather focus on positively rebuilding the marriage, re-building love, meeting others emotional needs, etc. Have any of you tried any of these intensive programs? I suppose if you tried it and it worked you wouldn't be here anymore. But just wondering if anyone tried any of these types of programs and your opinion is that they just don't work.
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Sorry, kinda down today.
Juli, the words that jumped out at me were "...when he drinks..." Mine drinks, but is a confirmed non-alcoholic & is never responsible for anything he perceives to be negative. He talked the talk, but didn't walk the walk. So, after 39 years, many tries at counseling, two interventions and him throwing around the "D" word one time too many, I said enough is enough.
I would have done anything to make it work and I did. But, one person making changes wasn't enough to make our marriage work.
With my 1st wife, I was the in the "dumper" role. She begged me to go to counseling. I resisted, but eventually gave in. We went to one session. While the therapist did point out my mistakes, she was equally fair in pointing out her's. The plan was to do some solo sessions, then bring us back together.
The problem was, my ex wasn't willing to face what SHE'D done wrong. I think she expected the therapist to console her and perhaps join her in burning me tied to a stake.
When HER issues were brought out, she vowed to never go back.
With my current wife, I'm now in the role of "dumpee." I've suggested counseling several times. She refuses to go.
All of us could've benefited from counseling. I think it's just easier for people to displace blame rather than accept responsibility. If he won't go, and commit to going, it's not a good sign. :(
He was very manipulative and pretended to be willing to work at the various therapies, but never followed thru for more than a week - NEVER. I believe he has been depressed most of his life & I think he drinks to numb himself - I just don't know why. He was never very communicative.
They say there comes a point where the alcoholic/substance abuse switch is flipped to on & can't be reversed. I believe my ex's switch was flipped a long time ago. They also say It's not how much one drinks, but why. And, that alcohol is 10% & the related behavior is 90% of the problem. But one can't change the behavior until one rids themself of the alcohol. It certainly seems true w/my ex.
All I know for sure is that he lied and manipulated for so long that I would never be able to trust him - ever. So very sad...
I will say BOTH people haev to WANT To save things though...
Nothing ever got resolved he wouldnt even agree to disagree. Instead he would bring up some stupid thing in order to draw attention away from the issue at hand and we would get so far off track, I would end up so confused I couldnt remember what I said. For years I thought I was crazy. Just found out recently that this is a common alcoholic behavior. Two therapists told me he has many traits of a narcissistic sociopath.
He was very thoughtful remembers anniversaries & birthdays. He goes out of his way to help others. Like your stbx Juli, my ex is not a bad person, per se. I don't want to believe his behavior is intentional. This is partially what made it so hard to leave. He never failed to tell me many times a day how much he loved me. The only problem was his actions didn't match his words.
Unless he stopped drinking and wanted to change, no amount of therapy or other help would have ever worked - not even if it happened 30 years ago. I'm not sure how I feel about predestination. I just know that God allows things to happen and he gave us the capacity to reason. We make choices every day. I've come to loathe the oft-used excuse "I didn't have a choice." We always have a choice. They might be sucky ones, but we always have a choice. He refused to share information & make joint decisions. But somehow everything he did, he did for me, whether I wanted/needed it or not.
I finally got to where I didnt believe the I dont drink that much. It was only one drink or half a drink and not every day. Recently, I asked if he was having a drink. He said no and actually handed me the glass to taste. I didnt have to, it reeked of Jack. How much deeper in denial could he be????
I am just now coming to accept that he loved me in the only way he could - just not the way I wanted, needed or deserved. And I made the choice to leave. I'm making the choice to no longer look back. 39 years of my life is more than enough.