Mine is also in the mid life crisis. he just turned 45. I also am to blame for everything. It sucks. he also took early retirement from his job. I thought his choice but now hearing he may have been forced.
I don't know what to tell you. I am finding there is nothing I can do. Mine wants out of the marriage and fast. I hold out hope that before the divorce is final he comes to his senses but how it looks he won't.
Is there any way you can get him into counseling? That may help. Marriage or individual?

In all honesty, he is showing the same signs that mine was and it turned out to be that he was having an affair. Not to say that yours is, but be cautious. Good luck.

Oddly enough everything your describing is what my wife is doing/going through-especially the I'm to blame for everything syndrome-
Im 42 and I hope my impending seperation is going to short circut any midlife crisis I may have yet to undergo. But if it is a MLC- it will dissipate. If not, it may be signs of larger issues.

Yes, I believe mine is going through this. I am his 4th wife (thought I was wife #3 until the day after I married him.) He immigrated from England 20 years ago. Now at 52, he can't deal with any conflict from me, wants to be on his own, he owns nothing, he has nothing (what was I and our relationship) everything is too confining, he doesn't want any restricitions. I own my own house, I own a lake home (inherited), I've been investing for years (been single for 20 years before him - we've been together for 5 years). OK so he didn't own anything before me, with me there was houses and the opportunity for both of us to retire early, in just 5 years. He feels that he HAS to OWN his own house (even though he'll have a mortgage until he's in his eighties, will probably have to work until then.) And it is my fault, always was... because he moved in with me 4 years ago, when he could have bought a house then. and yes everything else is my fault to; and I am 99.5% positive there is not an OW. Is it mid-life crisis or male MENopause.

Mine is going through the same thing--And he is rewritting history. My philosphy was I married him in sickness and in health, and was willing to be with him until this passed. However, he decided to leave. I think all you can do is be supportive, and do what's best for you and your family.

yes, mine is going through the same thing, only he doesn't want me there to help him through it so we are going through a divorce, I also believe he was having an affair and still is...so be careful! When I first talked to my lawyer she told me he was, we just needed to prove it, I didn't believe it then but wished I would have - I could have proven it, but its too late now - life goes on and he will not be my main focus anymore.

I have an article about Male Midlife Crisis in my journal if anyone wants to read it. I posted it on the board but it has been almost a week ago.

Read Cynthia's article in her journal. Mine is going through the same thing. He is classic symptoms. It is my fault for everything. He turned 45, he can't run like he used to due to constant injuries and he is blaming for everything, I am sure it is my fault that his favorite football team sucks this year too. Why is it that is seems to bother some of us less that we are growing older and some it drives crazy. I am very comfortable with my age. I am okay that things aren't as perky as they used to be. My body gave life to the most beautiful little girl in the world and knock on wood has given me 41 almost 42 years of good health. Why can't he be happy with what he has?

We men are a mess, eh?

About the only thing I can pass on that might be consoling (?) is that it almost certainly is not the fault of the spouse/partner. You may be getting a lot of displaced aggression, but that is likely all it is - you're a scapegoat, not a root cause.

I'm not sure why this would only be a "male" phenomenon, but I think it goes something like this...

...let's say at roughly age 40 (+/- 10%), the 'male' person begins to become disillusioned with the path they have chosen. The kids are growing up and frankly don't give a damn about dad, other than his money. His wife is focused on the welfare of the kids, and even if she weren't, there is no adrenaline rush of a romance after [insert number here] years of doing battle together. It's not the wife's fault, it's just reality. You have already climbed pretty high on the professional ladder - you're not likely going too much higher, and even if you could, you are seriously questioning why you would want to? Therein lies the crux of the so-called 'male' mid-life crisis - it is now all about the 'why'? Why am I doing what I am doing every day? Is it because it makes me happy, or is it because it makes someone else happy?

I'm being honest without mercy here - in many cases, the answer is the latter, not the former. Again, I am not assigning blame to anyone, but there does come an age where all of the propaganda about being a husband, father, and provider has to actually be fulfilling, and not just sold as such. Is this a "crisis"? Well, I suppose you can call it whatever you want. It is a "crisis" for those whose lives get disrupted by the fallout - no doubt about it. Not so sure it's a crisis for the male. It seems perfectly reasonable to assess your own personal satisfaction with what you're doing with your waking hours at some point. To go through a lifetime without once (or perhaps more than once) stopping and indulging in some selfish introspection would seem rather odd, actually. I assume no one has a problem with the act of taking personal account of our relative satisfaction with 'life' at the approach of middle age. I assume the grief is when this counter-revolution triggers change.

I can remember how exciting all of these things seemed not so long ago - the prospect of raising children, advancing a career, piling up money for the family and retirement, sharing it with a life -long partner. It seemed like a sure thing and I was very content to play each of those roles - very willingly, more or less content as things went along.

At precisely the mid-point of my 'male' life, I can only tell you that this same set of roles is falling flatter all the time. Again, I don't know why this would be a 'male-only' phenomenon? There simply comes a time when you wake up and realize that you are spending the vast majority of your time so that other people can find their identity, nourish their interests, etc. - and you are there to fund it. Whatever else you are is always at risk if you fail to continue the funding. "For better or worse"....not really....more like, "for as long as you are able to prop up the wants and needs of your spouse and the children", they will pay lip service to what a great 'family man' you are. If and when your presence no longer equates with an upper middle class standard of living, then even the lip service disappears. You are something entirely different to all involved at this point. I know there are too many women in the workforce living this same reality to think that they don't experience it also. Let's just call it a 'mid-life crisis' and drop the requirement that it be a male-only tour of duty.

If there is a male-idiosyncratic element to it, it's probably that some men are also a little panicky that they aren't interesting (as in sexually, whatever) to most women anymore. They're part of the 'old dudes' club and while it is funny when trading jokes at work, it's really kind of unfunny when you're listening to the voices in your own head. Now, I've skipped by Oprah too many times to think that women don't share this same wonderful experience ten times over. At least we males don't have to deal with any overt hormonal attacks. I'd say you have it much tougher than we do on this point. I'm not convinced there isn't a strong undercurrent of evolutionary biology/psychology at work here. Since men can still father children pretty much up to their dying day, it wouldn't surprise me at all if we eventually discover there are neurological forces at work that tend to make men restless around this age precisely so that they will seek out fertile (younger?) women to further carry forward the selfish genes. I'm not so sure we haven't discovered this already. I know many of you are worn out on the evolutionary psychology rants I keep trotting out here, but something other than the devil paying house calls has to account for what is a nearly universal trend among males in Western society. I'd guess we're all fighting against a number of things - but perhaps the most powerful of which is really a subconscious push by our brains to get out there and breed. Since the spouse may be past her reproductive years, our neurological wiring starts to cause trouble for everyone. We see the changed behaviors and try to invent purely psychological reasons for it. I'm not so sure.

In any case, here's the bottom line - whether you're male or female, at roughly the mid-point of your life, you just start to feel like you're being used. Therein lies the 'crisis'. What's in it for me? Perhaps that is an unforgivable act of self-pity. I am not going to argue otherwise. I am only saying what I believe people (males or otherwise) are telling themselves in their most private conversations - those with no other listeners. I believe some feel a bit tricked - i.e., being a mainstream family man was supposed to be such a rewarding experience and now it's turning out to be something else. I believe some feel just depressed and bitter about it all, and that is why you are getting such a hot blast of bile whenever you engage your husband or significant other in a conversation around this time. They know there is no one to blame, but let's face it, lucky you, you're inextricably connected to all of the elements now being scrutinized and critiqued. You are irritating just by virtue of your presence around this rather unhappy, perhaps depressed person.


I know the threat is that men will knee-jerk from some of these unhappy new perceptions of their life experience and leave everyone around them hurt and bewildered. I am not excusing any of it, just offering some non-rocket science insight. I do not have any easy answers here - because I am working on these issues myself at this very moment. I wake up every day and remind myself that I am responsible for my own happiness and fulfillment in life and that it is unfair to take out any personal frustrations on those around me - especially those I am closest to. But you know, human beings have a way of failing their best intentions because I'm not sure we really fully understand the forces at work during this time of our lives. There is more going on than meets the eye - for both males and females, and it's not very relationship-friendly. I've read your posts about the husband "wanting his freedom" or "wanting to be alone".... this is all symptomatic of someone who is seeking lost independence and some kind of radical change - consequences be damned.

Right now, I just want to be careful overselling the "get married, get-the-job, have-the-kids, devote yourself 110% to their future, and learn to love it" story to my own children. I am sure there are many, many people who cannot imagine any other path in life than exactly that. But there are apparently an equally large number who develop an aversion for the experience while they are knee-deep in it. What to do? I think the idea of shaming them into sticking with it is not likely to be successful. When you sense death is not so far away, shame has lost much of its sting.

Mid-life Mario out.

I guess men are not the only ones who have mid-life crisis my stbx has been in crisis for a long time and I don't think she cared about me or the marriage for a very long time. When stbx was drinking I asked what was more important me or the bottle. I was a very distant second, being used to not even being in the top five it hurt but it did not hurt as much as it should or could have. So here I am at 44 and I don't think I have had one and I don't think I ever will. You see the basic flaw in people is that they are never happy with what they have. Our capitalistic society is driven by us wanting more, new, better or different. It works with cars tvs even fast food, we a driven to move on in every thing we do. So why should marriage be any different, not happy with your spouse, screw it go out and get another one. Our society is perfectly happy and accepts that behaviour with out so much as batting an eyelash. People go into crisis because they can't keep up with wanting more and it never makes them happy because they are never satisfied. If you can be happy with what you have then you have lightining in a bottle and you will never have a crisis of any kind.

My h is only 37 but is acting like he is going through a mid lifecrisis my doctor also suggested it sounded alot like a midlife crisis. I don't know how I can cope with it

Ho my God! I thought I was reading about myself, down to the age difference! Turned out he was cheating. I am now in the process of a divorce. I'm not saying that this is the case for you, but a little snooping goes a long way...cell phone bill, e-mail, credit cards etc. etc., if nothing else it will put your mind at ease if you find nothing, then maybe you can sit down with him in a confertable setting and ask him WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH YOU!!

Ok, first let me say that I don't know if having the realization that you're getting older being a crisis. I actually think the bizarre things one inflicts upon their loved ones causes them (the loved ones) to have a crisis.... isn't it more of a crisis to be losing your world as you know it cuz your spouse is feeling old? (or disappointed in life, or whatever)


OK, that being said, let me share what my husband told me how he is feeling....
His "mid-life crisis" (which is refuses to admit is what is happening) is him thinking he is no longer young. He had all his life considered himself to be "God's gift", but then a friend his age died, and it hit him he was getting old. And he started feeling like an old, unattractive man.

Then this woman at work started hitting on him.....

The rest, as they say, is history.



And everything that he did is the classic signs of mid-life crisis.... Getting all sorts of new gadgets, changing appearance (losing weight, coloring his hair, buying new wardrobe), acting like he's 18 (staying out all nite drinking, listening to music way too loud)....

Now, I wonder if I am going thru my own "crisis".... or if I'm just depressed.... I feel there is nothing left to look forward to in life. except maybe divorce. LOL

Yep, I'm dealing with this situation as well. I was supportive of the motorcycle, cheered him on at runs/races when he started running and biking, supported the going to the gym, eating healthy, etc. I do, however, draw the line at the new girlfriend as a way to cope. When he gets out of this ridiculous phase, I think he's going to be sorry.

And Mario07, THANK YOU!!! Your perspecitve helped me enormously -- I have been so confused by his behavior. It helped to read your insights.

wow Mario & Wick! good posts.

She's the one that said she was the one having one.