Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I'm sooo f'n angry, frustrated and sad that I dont which way is up!!!!! Just to give you a bit of back ground on my completely f'd up situation. I'm 43 years old and on my second marriage. My first ended (no kids involved) when my spouse cheated on me and my second is about to end (two kids 9 and 6) because I cheated on my wife. That was about 3 1/2 years ago.
During this time, we've both gone for individual counseling and limited couples counseling. Its helped us individually, but has done nothing to bring us closer together. Theres a whole bunch of shit back and forth between us during this time, and after 3 years of trying to make it work, weve recently decided to part ways. Thats happening early in the New Year.
My wife is a very strong willed independent person. I'm easy going and was somewhat of a procrastinator. Im still passive aggressive is certain situations...especially with my wife. My frustration and anger stems from the fact that I believe Ive tried to prove to her that Ive changed and according to her, Ive done nothing over the last 3 years. Not everything has worked out, but Ive tried and havent received any positive reinforcement to acknowledge my efforts. As a matter of fact I get reminded frequency that Ive done nothing. Also, it feels like my thoughts, feelings and opinions dont matter to her. Shes always right and never apologizes for anything. How can someone be right all the time?? I feel like Im banging away at this hardened shell, trying to break through to her and nothing works. If I only could get through to her?
At this point, were struggling through Christmas. You can imagine how difficult it is with two little kids who think everything is fine and soon are about to have their world turned upside down. Its amazing but as soon as I start thinking or writing about my kids and our family, I start balling my eyes out. I know it stems from my guilt and failure as a father and husband. I feel like shit for what Ive done.
And this is the viscous circle I live in. ANGRY, FRUSTRATED and PISSED OFF because I cant get through to my wife and GIULTY, ASHAMED and EMBARRASSED for being a failure to my wife and kids.
Like I said, I dont know which way is up these days.
During this time, we've both gone for individual counseling and limited couples counseling. Its helped us individually, but has done nothing to bring us closer together. Theres a whole bunch of shit back and forth between us during this time, and after 3 years of trying to make it work, weve recently decided to part ways. Thats happening early in the New Year.
My wife is a very strong willed independent person. I'm easy going and was somewhat of a procrastinator. Im still passive aggressive is certain situations...especially with my wife. My frustration and anger stems from the fact that I believe Ive tried to prove to her that Ive changed and according to her, Ive done nothing over the last 3 years. Not everything has worked out, but Ive tried and havent received any positive reinforcement to acknowledge my efforts. As a matter of fact I get reminded frequency that Ive done nothing. Also, it feels like my thoughts, feelings and opinions dont matter to her. Shes always right and never apologizes for anything. How can someone be right all the time?? I feel like Im banging away at this hardened shell, trying to break through to her and nothing works. If I only could get through to her?
At this point, were struggling through Christmas. You can imagine how difficult it is with two little kids who think everything is fine and soon are about to have their world turned upside down. Its amazing but as soon as I start thinking or writing about my kids and our family, I start balling my eyes out. I know it stems from my guilt and failure as a father and husband. I feel like shit for what Ive done.
And this is the viscous circle I live in. ANGRY, FRUSTRATED and PISSED OFF because I cant get through to my wife and GIULTY, ASHAMED and EMBARRASSED for being a failure to my wife and kids.
Like I said, I dont know which way is up these days.
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
What is a cycle of abuse?
A cycle of abuse has been proven time and time again. When something is characterized as being cyclical it means that it occurs in a repeating pattern. Abuse is identifiable as being cyclical in two ways; it is both generational and episodic. Generational cycles of abuse are passed down, by example and exposure, from parents to children. Episodic abuse occurs in a repeating pattern within the context of at least two individuals within a family system. It may involve spousal abuse, child abuse, or even elder abuse.
A son, who is repeatedly either verbally or physically abused by his father, will predictably treat his own children in the same way. When a daughter hears her mother frequently tear down, belittle, and criticize her father, she will adapt a learned behavior which involves control through verbal abuse. Similarly, a child who witnesses his parents engaging in abusive behaviors toward one another, will very likely subject his or her spouse to the same abusive patterns. These are examples of generational abuse.
The episodic cycle of abuse is characterized by distinct periods of behavior that eventually result in an extreme episode of verbal and/or physical abuse. Typically, victims of abuse live in denial of this reoccurring pattern.
The cycle of episodic abuse begins with a major abusive behavior such as loud verbal abuse, screaming and/or verbal harassment and even a threat of physical assault.
A period of remorse follows. The abusive individual will go to great lengths to seek forgiveness and offer assurances that the abusive behavior will never occur again. An abusive spouse may bring flowers or expensive gifts. Oh honey, you know that I would never hurt you. I am so sorry. You know how much I need you." An abusive husband may seek reassurance from his wife that she will never leave him.
The third portion of the cycle is characterized by a period of "normalcy." During this time frame the abusive spouse may appear to be truly living out his or her repentance. Great effort will be expended to please and lull the victim of abuse into believing that the worst is now over.
Over time, tension will begin to replace the easy atmosphere in the home. Irritability will increase, followed by veiled accusations by the abuser, blaming the other spouse for his or her frustration and unhappiness. Eventually, this escalating behavior will give way to another episode of full-blown verbal and/or physical abuse.
A cycle of abuse is rarely broken without outside help. Victims need to learn how to set boundaries that protect them and help them to break free of the cycle of victimization. Abusers must confront and take responsibility for the verbal and physical abusive patterns of behavior. Both victim and abuser need to consider professional counseling as a means to stop the cycle of abuse. Individuals who are living in environments characterized by a cyclical form of abuse should make personal safety a matter of urgent priority. Verbal abuse can quickly escalate into a related, but more deadly form of abuse, physical violence.
No one understands the dynamics of cyclical abuse more than God. He has much to say about the nature of true repentance. Saying, "I'm sorry is never enough, unless it is accompanied by taking responsibility for wrong behavior and a genuine desire to change. In 2 Corinthians 7:8-10, the Apostle Paul makes mention of a Godly kind of sorrow; the kind that leads to turning away from the wrong behavior. Genuine sorrow for abusive behavior which results in true repentance is God's answer to the cycle of abuse.