Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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learning to accept the things i cannot change

deleted_user
deleted_user
Today i am having so much anger behind my soon to be exs refusal to communicate his problems during our marriage that led him to be or continue to be cheater. we have been married for 23yrs and i have always thought of him as a quite family man one with morals and values set. he has always been a man who said he could and would never cheat.now today we know the truth. but since we are still living together i ask him to tell me what were some of the reasons he sought sex outside our marriage he says he doesn't know. i asked why he would have sex in our house he doesn't know and today he thinks i need to listen to how i could get over his unfaithfulness and that i am just being cold-hearted.there are days when i have hit him and days when i just get so disgusted i cry.i guess you really never know a person until tough times. iwould have expected this man i married to be there for me his wife and not continue to put his own selfish need to be silent first.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I've been going out with someone who never ever talked about his feelings, and if on an occassion he did, he would not talk to me for at least a week afterwards. I see why you think he's being selfish, but I did that too and ended up throwing the relationship away and now I'm devastated and can see things from his viewpoint. I would not push your husband no matter how hard it is because that will make things worse. I would thrash it out with good friends over wine- or even me if we could schedule a time- and then as hard as it may be, try to live the rest of your life. Maybe he has issues that hurt so much he cannot bear to speak. Or maybe he feels so ashamed that he doesn't want to hurt you further by telling you about it. You know him best. I hope this helps. Let me know. Big hug.x
deleted_user
deleted_user
This may sound so typical, but " I don't know" COULD be an honest answer. He could be in the middle of trying to figure it all out himself, but he also could just be avoiding conflict and the truth. Either way, the reason's why, really don't matter, it can't undo what happened, and even if he had the truth, will only serve to hurt you more. I was in this state, constantly wanting details to what my husband was doing online, and then I realized, it hurt me more than it healed me. We feel like we just NEED to have the truth, the answers, and then when we get them, it hurts. So we ask ourselves, why did we just have to have those answers? I'm so sorry you are dealing with this though ((hug))
deleted_user
deleted_user
The more time you spend focusing on Why They did something, the less time you are going to have to Heal YOURSELF.

I learned that the hard way. It took almost 20 years of begging for answers to realize that there really were NONE.

When I started doing Dog Rescue, and having to work with damaged animals, it wasn't about those who Did Wrong-it was about healing the HURT. If I had focused on Who Did the Hurting-nothing would have been accomplished.

A lightbulb went off in my head during that time. Why couldn't I treat myself as well as I was treating those poor Dogs??? Of course, that led to the end of my Marriage-he didn't like it when I stopped engaging in the begging and seeking.

You will Still Hurt, You will Still have all the emotions to deal with. But, if you will look to Yourself, you will come out so much sooner and healthier. You Will WIN.
deleted_user
deleted_user
thanks for the great advice, i know his explaination wont help but it really angers me that a man i spent more than half my life with could manage to gather up the necessary words to seduce other women for sex and when it comes to me all i get is i dont know,why do i need to pry,and i want him to lie to me. he is a liar. so i have given up on ever knowing his truth. i know that during our years i was too sometimes bored and unhappy but i have discussed things then and now. he could have at least given our relationship a fair try by expressing himself back in day the same way he had to form words to get other women.i just feel that i should have been at least worth the try since now all he can say is he still wants our marriage.i've never been thru anything like this but today i am free final date is april06 just happens to be the date i found out his little secrets.
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