Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Last Straw in Communication

deleted_user
deleted_user
Many of you know I have the unfortunate circumstance of having to live with my husband until I finish school and file for divorce. Comes down to finances. Anyhow, eventhough we have reached an agreement..living together has been PURE HELL. He is callous, rude and unsensitive to the fact that his desire to quit on the marriage breaks my heart daily. Anhow...communication is a nightmare and all we do is fight. I finally had enough and pulled out a therapeutic suggestion a counselor had made to us years before. I told him that from now on, unless its an emergency, we have to communicate in writing to each other. We leave a notebook on the kitchen table and write messages to each other, rather than talking to each other. (we do not have children, its just us and our pets). We really need to only communicate about the basics and essentials of living together. Its awkward, annoying, more time consuming...but I'm hoping it lessens the intense stress. I honestly didn't know what else to do. I guess what I'm looking for is feedback from others who can relate. Is this just stupid? I feel stupid. But I'm so tired of fighting. Communication with my husband is torture..he lies, he never says what he means, he never means what he says, he conveniently forgets everything...at least this way, its in writing.
???
deleted_user
deleted_user
This sounds like how it was with me and stbx toward the end. We couldn't talk about anything, even the most insignificant thing, without getting into a fight.

I never thought of doing that, although I also doubt my stbx would have agreed to it.

I don't know, I guess it could work; it's worth a try at least.
deleted_user
deleted_user
i didnt have those problems, but it seems like something worth trying, hopefully it lessens the stress on you. hey good luck with that. and your right, it's better than verbal battling all the time.
deleted_user
deleted_user
No it is not stupid. I told my STBX that I only want to communicate via email. I don't want to hear his voice. It just hurts to much. So far it is working okay. BUT STUPID---NO. Just make sure the pencils are not too sharp :}
Thriver
Thriver
It works for my STBX and me. We don't even live together and any contact makes a spark that could ignite. Hope it works for you. Stick with it. It is much more peaceful around here for me.
and you realize that most things aren't worth the trouble,m so it cuts down on all communication. A good thing for us, anyway.
deleted_user
deleted_user
How much longer until you finish school? The strain of studying in a home where there is stress already would be very difficult for me if I were in your shoes.
deleted_user
deleted_user
depends which program I get into. I'm already accepted into one where I'd finish in Aug '09, but if I get into ultrasound, which is what I really want to do it may be an extra year. UGH UGH UGH!!! Its awful!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
what program are you already accepted into, if I may ask?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Surgical tech. Not what I want to do. I used to work in vet med as a tech and wildlife rehab...which dont' pay me enough to support myself independently...so back to school I go. Another reason I'm so heartbroken...I feel I'm giving up a huge part of my soul to settle for a second choice career wise. I'm determined though to get through school into a career that has longevity, stability and a good financial standing for me. Healthcare was the way to go for me. The whole situation stinks though!
deleted_user
deleted_user
There's nothing wrong with written communication. It cuts way down on the nonverbals that occur during any discussion. 97% of communication is nonverbal. You are right about it being "in writing". If it were me, I'd scan or photo copy it on a daily basis, just for back up.

What bothers me for you is that you will have to live in the stress filled environment you've just described for so long while you are in school. I'm so sorry for that. I'm also sorry you feel like are having to give up your dream. It seems to be that they rarely have to give up their dreams. Why should we? I hope that it is only temporary. You never know what might be around the next corner. So don't give up on your dreams!
deleted_user
deleted_user
If it works... Keep doing it! Plus you have a paper trail to call him out (or write him out) on his lies! Many of us living in separate houses have resorted to communicating through email, so it's basically the same thing.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Don't you dare feel stupid for making the best out of a bad situation!! My STBX and I only communicate through email/texts... I've found that it cuts down on the jabs for him as he is too lazy to actually type out bad things about me... hehe Plus it DOES give you a great paper trail!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thanks everyone for your kind support and feedback, I appreciate it! Its going okay so far...it just feels childish and awkward, but I can tell if we stick to it, it may reduce the stress to me. The system has its flaws...but I'm willing to tolerate the bumps if it saves me the agony of endurign his callous and disrespectful body language and verbal games. It makes me sad though...to see our marriage reduced to this. Eventhough I'm sad, I realize, I did everything I could to salvage "us". It takes two...and he was never a team player...
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