Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I'm wondering if there are others here who have experienced something similar to my situation: I have left the *Family Home* where my children live and now live in my own place, with access to my children on a regular basis. My h currently lives in the *Family Home* with the children.
I left for the simple reason that I was the one who insisted on the separation and HE refused to leave. I knew that the only way that I would get a separation would be if I was willing to leave.
Not being with my children 24/7 is the hardest thing I have ever done. I was a stay-at-home mom for 13 years and completely involved in my kids' lives. Though I have not left *them*, per se, the nature of our arrangement makes it difficult for me to continue the level of parenting that I knew in the past.
I'm at peace with the marriage separation, but not with being without my kids. I'm afraid for what my h is saying to them about me and about how they are going to feel about me and what they are thinking. I miss them terribly, even though I do enjoy the peace and quiet here by myself.
In some respects, it seems like my h is trying to cut me out of their lives. We agreed that I would leave for the simple fact that HE would not...but that the home the children live in would be known as the *Family Home* and that we as parents would come and go from it, taking care of them, so that THEY would not have to go between parents. H travels about 50% of the time for business and when he is away, I will be in the Family Home, but when he is home, I will be at my place.
However, he has taken some built-up vacation time and has not disclosed to me how much...so...I have no idea when it will be 'my turn' in the family home. I am afraid that he will suddenly not allow it to happen...he is already insisting that the Family Home is HIS house and that I have no say in it. That was not part of our agreement. I have spoken to a lawyer, and will petition the courts if I have to, but it hasn't come to that yet. I only 'left' 2 weeks ago and we are meeting with the family mediator in a few weeks.
Sorry about the long post...I'm just wondering if there are any other mothers out there who can relate to what I am going through.
If you are interested, here is some history: Husband and I have been married for 15, conflict-ridden years. We have pre-teen kids. We were in and out of marriage counselling for three years some time ago. I have always fantasized about divorce and silently wondered how long I could 'last' in the marriage. I nearly left him 10 years ago, but was willing to stay if he tried counselling. I nearly left him again 5 years ago, but was willing to stay if he would just be kind to me and be a true partner in every respect. He promised to step up to the plate, and he did, but only as a partner...he says he cherishes me and loves me dearly, but he is sarcastic, rude, and mean. Granted, not 100% of the time, but at least half of it; and that is half too much.
After a number of years, I realized it didn't matter anymore if he DID suddenly become the sweetest, kindest person on the face of the planet. The damage was done and I just didn't care anymore.
He is very controlling, verbally abusive, sarcastic, negative, judgemental, and extremely conservative in a religious sense. He has NEVER trusted me and 'blames' me for seducing him and manipulating him into the marriage.
This past summer, a number of catalysts happened that made me realize that I just can't continue...the main one was that I became involved with another man. There was no s*x, but we did make out a few times. It didn't last long - only a couple of weeks - and was not serious, but it shook me up enough to make me realize that if I was *willing* to have an affair, then I needed to GET OUT of the marriage and get on with my life.
H says he loves me more than ever, but he sure doesn't act like it! He is rude, mean, and as controlling as ever. Some love.
Oh...and this is h's 2ND marriage (my 1st). First wife left him, too. Wonder why.
I left for the simple reason that I was the one who insisted on the separation and HE refused to leave. I knew that the only way that I would get a separation would be if I was willing to leave.
Not being with my children 24/7 is the hardest thing I have ever done. I was a stay-at-home mom for 13 years and completely involved in my kids' lives. Though I have not left *them*, per se, the nature of our arrangement makes it difficult for me to continue the level of parenting that I knew in the past.
I'm at peace with the marriage separation, but not with being without my kids. I'm afraid for what my h is saying to them about me and about how they are going to feel about me and what they are thinking. I miss them terribly, even though I do enjoy the peace and quiet here by myself.
In some respects, it seems like my h is trying to cut me out of their lives. We agreed that I would leave for the simple fact that HE would not...but that the home the children live in would be known as the *Family Home* and that we as parents would come and go from it, taking care of them, so that THEY would not have to go between parents. H travels about 50% of the time for business and when he is away, I will be in the Family Home, but when he is home, I will be at my place.
However, he has taken some built-up vacation time and has not disclosed to me how much...so...I have no idea when it will be 'my turn' in the family home. I am afraid that he will suddenly not allow it to happen...he is already insisting that the Family Home is HIS house and that I have no say in it. That was not part of our agreement. I have spoken to a lawyer, and will petition the courts if I have to, but it hasn't come to that yet. I only 'left' 2 weeks ago and we are meeting with the family mediator in a few weeks.
Sorry about the long post...I'm just wondering if there are any other mothers out there who can relate to what I am going through.
If you are interested, here is some history: Husband and I have been married for 15, conflict-ridden years. We have pre-teen kids. We were in and out of marriage counselling for three years some time ago. I have always fantasized about divorce and silently wondered how long I could 'last' in the marriage. I nearly left him 10 years ago, but was willing to stay if he tried counselling. I nearly left him again 5 years ago, but was willing to stay if he would just be kind to me and be a true partner in every respect. He promised to step up to the plate, and he did, but only as a partner...he says he cherishes me and loves me dearly, but he is sarcastic, rude, and mean. Granted, not 100% of the time, but at least half of it; and that is half too much.
After a number of years, I realized it didn't matter anymore if he DID suddenly become the sweetest, kindest person on the face of the planet. The damage was done and I just didn't care anymore.
He is very controlling, verbally abusive, sarcastic, negative, judgemental, and extremely conservative in a religious sense. He has NEVER trusted me and 'blames' me for seducing him and manipulating him into the marriage.
This past summer, a number of catalysts happened that made me realize that I just can't continue...the main one was that I became involved with another man. There was no s*x, but we did make out a few times. It didn't last long - only a couple of weeks - and was not serious, but it shook me up enough to make me realize that if I was *willing* to have an affair, then I needed to GET OUT of the marriage and get on with my life.
H says he loves me more than ever, but he sure doesn't act like it! He is rude, mean, and as controlling as ever. Some love.
Oh...and this is h's 2ND marriage (my 1st). First wife left him, too. Wonder why.
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
Be very careful about this. Have you talked to an attorney yet? Try to do this right away, even before mediation. Just make a list of questions and have an initial consultation, even if you don't end up staying with that lawyer.
Ask how your moving out is going to affect custody and support. Before you go in, try to make a list of assets. Ask whether you can make him move out instead.
Good luck and good for you getting out.
I would not trust what he tells you. People change thier minds. I would be talking to a lawyer ASAP and make sure that you are not putting yourself in a vulnerable position.
There is, of course, no excuse for cheating on your spouse, and the "walking out" by whomever is something that stays with kids forever, I think.
You seem to have a pattern of leaving the situation.
I understand it has been an abusive situation.
My thinking is that if you leave, it is to safe yourself to become stronger to be able to go back and take charge. That is if you are the only one.. in this case there are children involved.
I don't think you should of left.
I think you have lost much of your rights once you leave the premises. My Ex was the same way, and very controlling and abusive.. tried all sorts of psychological games and tricks to get me out of the home. I did not leave. There was no way I was going to lose my ground, my rights and to abandon the children.
I am not certain about your situation, but after this is the 3rd?..time you have left you have now established a pattern that you are either unable or unwilling to take on the role of the custodial parent.
At some point someone, the judge, the lawyers.. someone is going to question as to why if it was so abusive why did you not take the children away from the situation or get help to get the Husband so the abuse would stop.
I wish you all the best.