Well I have been having fun, having a ball actually. I really want to remain good friends with the ex, I still hate saying that. If you've read my posts before you know how hard I took the leaving. I know he took it hard too. Nearly lost his job, was depressed, and couldn't function just like me. He has a very good heart. Well you know I can get very angry, and sent him, well maybe a million, just about really nasty text messages over and over again. I did the whold pleading thing, the anger thing, the sad thing. They did hurt him, and I made alot of threats. He knows I can get like that, and I never go through with any threats, it's the way my hurt comes out, yes I know I need to work on that. When he left it was out of the blue, no one especially me expected it. Within the week he bought a motorbike, did some car swapping, he loves doing up old cars. But then he started drinking very heavily and just was not coping. When he started to feel better he started coming around for a drink and chat, but I was still angry, so today he told me a few times he came over, he actually wanted to come back, but because I was so mean and the texts did his head in, he just couldn't, and now it's just too late. I know there were a few times he came and just quietly sat on the sofa, and looked like he wanted to say something, but I didn't dig. So now I have this whole guilt thing, that if I had handled it better he would be home right now. Now although I'm getting happy again, I really would take him back anytime. There was no violence, infidelity or anything really bad in our family, and he always treated me with the highest of respect. So now I'm just so sad again, and am blaming myself for being a real bitch, when it was just pain coming out. I don't want to be mean anymore, and generally I'm not, but what if that's true. What if he was just going thru something, and I was so mean and pushed him away. I feel like crap, total crap right now. Even to this day whenever I see him, he looks sadder than me. I haven't really seen him happy at all since he left. He looks like his in pain, and I feel sorry for him more than I do for myself. He still looks after us, as you know, and would give us his last penny, which he has. If he dosn't have enough money to give, he'll give us whatever he has at his place to give. I think I stuffed up. I think I stuffed up big time. It's all my fault..
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