Thank you all for taking the time to read. I've already spoken to friends and family, and at times I just feel like telling the story again. I'm currently 34 and I met a girl through work about 4 years ago. The first 9 months we were friends, and during the next 2-3 months we started dating and became very close. I was moving for work to a remote site about 1200 miles away for 3 years, and we decided to keep the relationship going. Over the next 2 years we would see each other every 2-3 months on vacations, and talk on the phone every day, for at least 1 hour. We always had something to talk about, and enjoyed each others humor and conversations. Over the next year, she expressed how she was getting unhappy with the distance, especially after i received an offer to extend my contract for 1 year. It was a really great offer with tremendous loan repayment opportunity. I decided to extend, and she seemed to be okay with that. However, the following few vacations we seemed to argue more, and distance became more of an issue. She did tell me that she wished she could live closer to me, but did not wish to do the jobs that were available in the area. We had conversations about me moving back or both of us moving to another state where we could be closer together. Looking back at some of the conversations, we both had difficulty communicating very effectively on serious topics, as conversations were stained and painful. We continued to talk everyday, and being far away I started picking up extra work-shifts, as I wanted to make the most money while I was away for work. This made having conversations more difficult and she would start getting more upset as I wasnt always as available to talk in the evenings.
We broke up 6 months ago and it has been the most difficult thing i've ever had to go through. 3 months prior to the break-up she asked when we were getting engaged, and at the time I told her that I was hoping that we could live together for at least 6 months before making that decision. It was something that friends and family recommended, so I did not question that advice as it seemed sound. She seemed to understand, but I did not realize how we were getting more and more distant. About 7 months ago, I went to see her and between spending time with some friends, her family and my family, the entire trip was very rushed. We had another trip planned for just the 2 of us in 2 more months so I did not bother me much that we did not spend much time together.
On Mother's Day, she asked me if I could buy her a purse for $1200, that she picked out. It was months before we would have an anniversary, and at that time, I seemed to me that buying a purse was a stupid idea, and I told her that she could buy it herself, and I wasnt the type of a guy to buy expensive purses like that. We got into a fight about how I did not appreciate her much and how I always work and and that she has not asked for any gifts prior to this in our entire relationship. I told her that if she wants a guy who gets her purses like this, she should find herself that guy and that may be we should take a break. I was very tired and was at work at the time of this argument, and working most of the night that day as well. When I came home in the morning she called to see if I would like to talk, and I told her that I did not. We decided to take a break, and I texted her several days before our planned vacation, which was 2.5 weeks after the agrument. We did not have any conversations prior to this, which is the longest we've gone without talking. During our texts I apologized, told her I loved her and told her that she's a type of girl I would like to marry. She texted back a few times, and told me that she moved on and is with another person. I over-reacted and wrote an apology email, telling her how I love her and care for her, and how having that fight was the biggest mistake of my life. As a reply she told me to stop contacting her, as she told me she was with someone else. As I went on this vacation by myself, hoping I would possibly meet her there, I wrote another email from the hotel room, to which she responded telling me to stop being pathetic and to move on. I found myself texting her on facebook, and asking if I could fly over and talk to her, and she told me that I had 3 years to figure things out and that she's more happy now than she's ever been with me. At that point she blocked me on everything, and I felt I was living in a twilight zone, not quiet sure how I got to work and home, as everything seemed like a blurry dream for the next few months.
In August she texted me asking if I would come back to her. I picked up the phone right away, called, apologized to her about how I took her for granted and saying I want to be the man that she deserved. It was a long apology, and I told her that I would like to meet her as I was flying into town to see my parents. Initially she agreed to meet, but on the day of my flight, she called and said that it was not a good idea for us to meet. She said she was still in her new relationship. I asked if things would change if I lived closer, and she said that in 1 year when I move back she would consider dating me again. I told her that I still loved her very much and it would be very difficult. The next day I texted asking if things would change if I canceled my contract to move back closer to her. There would be a financial penalty, but I could get a job close to her without too much difficulty. She said that she did not feel like getting back together. I have tried texting her a few times after, a month apart, but have not heard anything from her, the same as when I was blocked. I am assuming I am still blocked.
I tried not to include too many details for her privacy sake, but, this girl is still on my mind everyday. I tried going on a few dates, but I find myself thinking about her whenever im on a date. In my mind I keep holding on to the hope that we can fix this. I have applied to a job in her town, and was asked for available dates for the interview, which I have not responded to yet. I am also looking at other jobs as I live in a rural town and was planning on moving at the end of my contract anyway.
I'm not sure what I am hoping to hear as I write this. I'm generally a happy person, and have always been happy, self sufficient, and successful. Before I met this girl, I felt that I could live and laugh and enjoy life by myself or with other people. However, by sharing the last 3 years with her, and truly having some of the best memories of my life, I wish I could have another chance to rekindle things. I've having a difficult time letting go of the idea that she's no longer in my life.
I've read a few books on relationships since the breakup and found that I have made many mistakes, with communication, showing affection, being supportive, caring and being a better listener. I took her for granted, and worst of all, I was the one to end the relationship. I have lots of guilt as I've acted so poorly towards a person who is this important to me. I wish I never accepted my current job, and stayed closer, and focused more on my relationship with her rather than my career. Its more than feeling lonely that makes me want her back. My family is very supportive and I have multiple friends who are there for me through the hard times. I don't want to give up on her, and I wish I could fix this. I realize its outside of my control, and that I cannot make her come back unless she chooses to. I just keep ruminating and feeling miserable.
Thanks again for reading
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