try going to alanon meetings. you can't fix her or help her, she has to do it herself. and don't argue with a drunk. alanon has shown me so much. i wish i had gone a long time ago. good luck, i would not leave my kids though, they need one stable parent in the house, and if they are old enough, they should go to alateen. alanon and alateen, is all about you and the kids, not the alcoholic/drug addict. it's a better way of living even if the alcoholic is still in the house. good luck to you.

There is no point in trying to understand why your wife is like this but to understand that she is like this and not taking responsibility for her actions or behaviour. This is hurting you and you have to start re-assessing the situation before it damages you and your children. I kicked my husband out at the beginning of the summer for the same behaviour: on antidepressants for anxiety and anger/rages but continued to drink, do drugs and have very poor judgement...there is nothing that can be done but walk away. It hurts but once you understand that the person you are trying to have a relationship with is not there nor are they capable of having a healthy relationship with you, you will start the road to recovery.

your ex sounds like mine. trust me its the dope and alcolhol. it took along time for people to convince me of that.
mine said i was cheating too a whore etc. it was all my fault and etc. he did no evil. etc everthing yours has done i think there is a antidepressant addiction there. they blame the innocent one for everything they are doing wrong. truth will come out later. dont worry about it. mine said i was stalking him and all of my family which none of us where why would we i was glad to get rid of him.
truth will come back on her.

I know I started telling stbx over a year ago that the alcohol was going to end us. And yep it did, funny not by my choice. I say the abuse getting worse and worse, and as I "caught" him, he said I was too controlling... and said he wanted to be out on his own. I also think he became very depressed. Did he drink because he became depressed, or did he get more depressed because of the alcohol -- I don't know. I do know that there is nothing I can do about it. I'm only afraid, how awful the alcohol might get when is does get out on his own (2 weeks). As bad as I feel, I do know it is his problem, I can't do anything about it. But be honest about the abuse...otherwise it starts crossing over to enabling... which is no favor to anyone - though she is likely to get upset over that too.

Yes, drinking while on antidepressants is substance abuse. Read the instructions for the medications. Alcohol is a depressant. If she cannot follow the instructions, she is an alcoholic: one who drinks despite life damaging consequences.

Pulling the rug is also known as tough love.

Only you can say if there is abuse. She's not capable (denial is a major symptom). Follow your gut on this.

From my experience, the behavior is indicative of abuse.

Let me ask you a question. If someone else posted what you wrote, what would you think?

For years I blamed the alcohol. All I was doing was enabling him to continue the insane behavior. When, in fact, he made the choice to drink or not drink. NO ONE ELSE is responsible for making that choice but the user. He also drank while on anti-d's. He was a highly functional alcoholic, no one EVER SAW HIM DRINK!!! He wasn't a falling down slurring, slobbering drunk.

This is a sample of his logic. One day he announced that he couldn't be an alcoholic b/c he wasn't like his fellow AA'rs in that he'd never been in jail, he'd never killed anyone, he's never missed work due to a hang over, he didn't squander the family assets (he co-signed a $10K loan for an AA buddy who promptly defaulted, but I guess that doesn't count), let me control the $), he never got a DUI (only by the grace of God), he was never divorced (ooops, can't say that any more).

He twisted everything I ever said and I ended up thinking I was crazy b/c I couldn't remember what I'd said. He became proficient at deflecting any discussion to some idiotic point that had nothing to do with anything and we'd get so far off track, there nothing ever got resolved.

It is common for them to make you out to be the jerk, especially to others. They are NEVER responsible for anything.
He convinced our last marriage therapist that he didn't have a problem. When the therapist said that to me, I asked why would someone with no problem go thru rehab twice AND say he attends daily AA meetings????? Oh, and his reason for attending AA? He felt comfortable with the people there.

After seeing him only twice, a different therapist pulled me aside and said "He's toxic!"

Their logic is flawed, yet they require us to justify every action while they are exempt from their own "rules." Crap, I never knew what the "rules" were. He made them up as he went along and changed them from one minute to the next.

They keep us off balance and we keep thinkings there's something we can do to fix them or the situation.

I could tell you stories that would leave you speechless.

Such is alcoholic behavior... This does terrible things to the family. It's an insidious disease that can leave permanent scars on you and your children so please do whatever it takes to save your sanity and that of your children! No matter how much you love her or want her to get better, she won't - not until she decides to.

I took my vows very seriously, especially the in sickness & in health. I would rationalize staying & thus enabling him, by telling myself that I wouldn't leave him if he had cancer so why would I leave because of the alcoholism.

Now, I realize that he is the captain his own sinking ship and while he may be required to stay with it as it goes down, I am NOT, not any more. I am no good to anyone if I am as sick as he is and by staying, I stayed sick.

My children are grown, but because I stayed, they have problems. Both are in denial. One has a drinking problem. My d-i-l told me she worries about grandpa driving her children anywhere b/c she can smell it on his breath. My son does not seem to notice. I contributed to this b/c I didn't get us all out when I should have.

I still have a lot of recovering and healing to do, but I can't do it in the midst of the epidemic b/c I keep getting reinfected. So I'm staying away for good.

For the sake or your children, you need to take care of you. One healthy & sane parent is better than none.

It would be good for you to get some support. Yes it's bad to drink and do antideppressants......Keep your kids safe though. Until she gets help, you and the kids need support. Sorry it's so tough. ((I came from a family that drank, it sucked.....as a kid it was hard))

My ex is an alcoholic. I dont know how I survived. Nothing an alcoholic does is rational.

Thanks Wistful. You could have been writing about my home.

that and stop playing her twisted game. do for the kids. don't blame the alcohol actually either. there's more to it than that. was she fine before she started drinking or was the drinkning what brought you to the breakups group? find out the real reasons, don't feed into it. mine has tried the same thing slandering me all over town. I know the truth, so does God. let it go, you'll be the better person here and the kids will know the truth to. got to let it go

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but there comes a point where you have to stop blaming the alcohol. It isn't the alcohol, it is her. The alcohol is exaggerating her tendency and behaviors and attitudes, not creating them. SHe wants to put blame at your feet, why should you try to find an excuse to not make her take responsibility? Be strong, but don't allow yourself to back down or allow yourelf to be bowled over because you may want to say, "It's the booze talking."

Wow I thought I was the only one with this type of problem. Thank you all for your sharing, it does really help.
You are all right, I can not stop her, she is a big girl. I just don't want to look like i'm in a bad light from squeling on her. But yes, I do need to protect the kids, they are 9 and 10. She never really drank when she first came on the anti d's but after she met her current "best friend" it has slowly gotten worse.
Wistful, are you a speed typer?. You said "trust your gut" and I want to, it's just the reprecusions(sp)i'm afraid of. I never know what to expect when I come home, she is either real happy or real mean. It's wierd.

Before you decide to pull the rug out.. REALLY, try ALANON, it really works, been there still there, helps , I wish I had gone a long time ago, lots of insight Really try it Please!
Stay Storng!

yup, speed typer. Trust your gut anyway. There will be repercussions no matter what you do or don't do. So you might as well do what's right for you and your kids. My big regret is that I didn't trust my gut.