So I finally saw my stbx or whatever I should be calling him, the other day. It was the first time since I got back from having the surgery and the whole fiasco of our breakup. It went well, we had dinner and spent some time together. It was really hard to be around him and not touch him, I'm a fairly touchy feely person. So I asked him if we could still hug since I'm really missing that human touch that I'm used to. So we did. It was sad. I just want everything to go back to the way it was (with hopefully some better communication) but he's resigned to it being over and us trying to be friends. I go along with this pretense but secretly in my heart I want him to come home. Even though I know my emotional needs were not being met prior to all this. And when we'd fought or broken up in the past I was looking forward to meeting a man that could be there for me more emotionally. I don't know if I'm just having these thoughts since I'm vulnerable after the surgery. I'm just sitting around day in and day out with nothing to do but think. And it seems like all I'm doing is thinking about him. Where is he? What is he doing? I'm more at peace now that we're not actively fighting but that kind of makes it worse because I'm not hating him. Argh! I feel so conflicted :(
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