I was willing to trust my husband again if he SHOWED me (actions speak louder than words) that he really wanted to work on things...obviously he didn't want to do anything to work on it...hence why I am here.

It takes time.

Trust is easily destroyed, but it takes a long time to build it back up.

You can possibly trust a cheater again, but it takes both people being willing to work on the relationship to make it work. The cheater must be open to having their actions scrutinized for a long time, and the cheatee has to work on forgiveness and working with the cheater to rebuild those things which were lost.

If you can't fully and unconditionally forgive the person who cheated, then it's time to move on.

My mother has a saying: only hungry men eat in restaurants. If the cheater's reason for cheating can be fixed then you can trust them.
My stbx becomes too easily emotionally attached to other men so for me so trust no longer enters the picture.

I believe the ability to cheat is ingrained and cannot be changed. When my stbx and I were wed it was agreed that there would be an end before any new relationships. As it turned out she has one strike and she is out. I can never trust her again after bold faced lies. Can you live with a shadow of doubt for the rest of your life? That is not living at all.

Yes, I would trust a cheater. However, it depends on how I found out that they had cheated and how long it had occured. If a spouse of mine had a one night fling because we were fighting and he brought it to me and asking for forgivnance, I could forgive. If my spouse was carrying on an affair with someone for an extended amount of time and I found out through other means and we didn't seem to be having problems then I would say no. I would be interested to see how long he denied it and how many times he was presented with proof before he came clean. The details are everything.

My husband hasn't cheated on me but he has taken advantage of me sexually. And it is hard to get over that. I am having a hard time even wanting to be intimate with him, which is making him more angry and causing more hurt and suffering. So I am in a viscious loop it seems.

I think I would have to look at their mindset & their plan to not cheat in the future. Some people believe they are prone to cheating and have to avoid tempting situations. I think they'll cheat again because they are mentally open to it happening. Others make a firm decision that they won't cheat regardless of the situation and mentally decide how they will handle temptation ahead of time. These folks can be trusted. In either case, I think people are right that the cheater has to be an open book for a long time to rebuild the trust.

I tried to trust the cheater - but couldn't. I figured it wouldn't be long before he did it again and again - I was right!

I do think people can change. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal of a spouse. That doesn't mean that someone can't be forgiven. What makes the biggest difference is ...are the sorry they cheated...or ar they just sorry they got caught?

People repeat behaviors! I know that sounds "cold", but our prisons are full of people who "repeat behaviors". The cycle only stops if the offender truly realizes the ramifications of t heir actions and is willing to seek help.

I look at this process as one similar to a wildfire..yes eventualy th ere is regrowth and renewal..but it takes TIME.

I would unfortunately think so, unless some serious therapy was involved. Even then, I am harsh, but I would say it is hard for a leopard to change its spots.

Let me say this one more time with feeling, once a cheater always a cheater.

My STBX and I discussed this many times and made promises to never cheat. She lied and broke a promise, and for her it is old behaviour. I don't really care if a cheater can be rehabed. I'm not willing to give her another chance. She made her choice and now she can live with the consequences.

NO!!!

I believe that once a cheater - always a cheater. My ex cheated on her first husband, and her second husband and on me. I don't think it is a habit htey can change. And she will cheat on her next husband. I feel it is a viscious cycle that will just keep going until she finds that no one wants to cheat with her. Than she will finally be loyal to someone.

I have cheated in the past, so I'm going to reply to this from experience. Yes you can change. But the longer or more the person cheats, the harder it is to change. It becomes a lifestyle and something thats the regular. Changing all that is hard. But if you admit wrong doing and are dedicated to change, than yes, the cheater can change. Just look for signs that this person is changing or repeating old behaviors. You will know in your heart. I'm here if you need to ask anything from the other perspective. Best of wishes!