I can totally relate. Everyone thinks that by saying things like that they are helping but you really need to feel your emotions and then let them go.

For me it took a good 3 to 4 months before I got over the aching grief. And then there were the days in between afterward that caught me by surprise that caused so much pain. Just know you don't have to be on any one's timetable for healing. You will move on slowly but surely but take the time you need to grieve this loss.

3-6 months before I realized it's all up to me to fulfill myself

Same here I still have feeligs of discomfort.
You are going to be hurt either way. If your STBX was still around exposing you to the negative behavior that hurts so much in the first place or if they are gone and you miss them.

It's not just that you are better off, the grief and pain are giving birth to a new life that you can shape for yourself.

You will hurt for a little while but look at it this way. Even if you had surgery to remove a cancerous tumor, there is still a recovery period of pain and discomfort after the tumor is gone. On the upside the tumor is GONE and your life is saved.

Thanks for your honest answers. I'll hold onto the idea that by the time the sun finally comes out again, I'll be feeling better and will be able to enjoy it.

When I figure it out, I'll let you know. You aren't alone. I'm in agony too. I can only hope I will get to the stages so many others are in from this site.

I really think it is different fir each of us. I was over my husband for a long time but i was afraid to leave. Now I'm out with my kids and he can't deal with that fact and he is doing what ever he can to hurt me and my children. I don't miss him and I was lonely beefore I left. Now i'm hurting and scared and i keep having panic attacks because i'm afraid of what might happen I don't think i will begin to heal till It's over.

I honestly think it will take one month for every year you were together. So, for me after 10 years my goal is to be on the top of the world for myself and my kids by Aug.1/08.

I'm with you girl! I feel the same way. Everyone's grieving process is different. I feel like the longer you were unhappy IN the relationship - the longer it takes to get over it. I resent that I stayed in it so long knowing that I was unhappy! Those are years of my life that I can never get back. The same is to be said about the time it took for me to grieve - that's time spent on him that I could be working on me. I'm still in the grief stage of our relationship. Let yourself fell those things while you're on your own and surround yourself with people who love you, or those that can relate (LIKE US!! =]) and don't deprive yourself of the rollercoaster of emotions. Otherwise - you will bring all of those fresh open wounds to the table when you start a new relationship. My relationship with by STBX husband spanned from highschool and lasted 9 years. We were married 11 months when we seperated. I make jokes out of this, but hey...whatever. Be sure you take care of you. Cry, get mad, sad, angry, resentful, hateful, thankful and when you are ready to - let yourself move on. YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS!

Do you think knowing would have changed your mind? I, too, initiated the sepreation. I have even asked him to get back together ...THREE TIMES! All 3 he has said no. But, you know, I think if we knew we would feel this way, we still would have done what we did. I mean, obviously we left for good reasons. Maybe not to eveyone else, but to us, they were darn good reasons. And that is what matters. It doesnt matter what others say, its OUR happiness that matters. The pain does go in time, and does sneak up on you when you arent looking, but then its gone again. Each time it goes quicker. So hold on, you can do it!

I feel the same way, although you may look at me differently because I was not married, I lived with my ex for 3 years. I left because of internet cheating, ED issues and just a lot of dishonesty... I hurt... I hurt for me, I hurt for him all alone, I am alone too but there is a 20 year age difference I am in my 30's and I have more time I guess to find true love, if that exsists I don't know...I hurt alot more than I thought I would, I am thinking it's because the holidays are coming and we are miles apart.... I don't know the damage is done and it can't be fixed, I just wish the hurting would subside... for all of us.

No, diemjs, I wouldn't have done anything different. I would have just prepared myself better for the emotional onslaught. It just came as such a surprise after 5 years of feeling so alone and unhappy. I didn't think it could get worse. I know it will get better. It just helps me to have an idea how long it will take!

I was with my stbx for almost 5 years overall, and it took about 4-5 months to get past the worst of the grief.

It still hits me every now and then, but not as bad and not for as long as before.

For a while there, I thought I'd NEVER get past it, but I did. You will too.

I wish I had an answer for you but, I don't. Maybe if you know your not alone will help you out in the long run.