i'm 31yrs. old, married for fifteen yrs. (got married at 16) off and on my marriage has had good and bad times, like any other marriage i guess. until 3yrs ago, he sexually abused me several times forced himself on me, to the point were he gave me a slap on the face once for not letting him on me, and then blamed it on me saying i made him do it. that's the only time he's hit me. another time he pushed me off the bed after he forced me to go to bed with him, i'm not allowed to fall asleep in the couch he would drag me to the bedroom if he had to. anyhow, that doesn't happen anymore, but i can't never have sex with him anymore, i've been through counseling, several times ended up on antidepressants, and antianxiety meds. he became more controlling, (this is where i get confused) were he gets upset at times even if i want to go to visit my mom. he says i'm never home, which i really try not to be, because i get uncomfortable around him, so i keep my time busy at school, and work (I'm an L.V.N studying towards my R.N) anyhow i finally decided i can't do this anymore, i got myself an apartment that will be ready on May 7, my two friends are coming to help me move my clothes and most important things in a 4 hour window. while he's away from work, i've done this before but the difference this time is that i'm not going to mom and dads house, so they can't play mind games with me and convince me to go back, knowing what's going on, they tell me to ignore it. i have a place of my own to go. i have two girls 8yr.and 13yr. , i'm literally running away from home. but i feel so guilty about doing it. eventhough he still controlls me other ways, and making me feel guilty, because i'm not home, i don't want to cook or literally do anything for him, i feel selfish for doing this, i feel scared but excited at the same time about leaving. but i feel i've fallen out of love with him. i made a comment about spliting up the marriage the other day and he said, "well you're welcome to go whenever you want, i'm not holding you back, but the girls will stay with me, you can't even take care of yourself , you've done that leaving away deal already twice got the girls all rattled up, and then there you come again, what you're going to go to mom and dads house again, and then come back" "so you leave the girls here, leave if you want you can't take of yourself, what makes you think you can take care of them?" so i think he's using my depression and anxiety as a threat, playing mind games with me, literally saying that i'm not mentally stable. that's why i'm not telling him my plan, i don't want to give him time to think ahead of me.
so that's my story, any comments welcome. thank you.