I haven’t posted on this site in quite some time so I apologize for the lengthy post. Honestly, I felt like visiting the site was keeping me buried in my misery by reliving my own pain through everyone else’s stories. I didn’t feel strong enough to really offer anyone any words of wisdom since I was completely out of control with my own emotions and behaviors. I was also in defense mode when someone would tell me what I should do or question my intentions or behavior or whatever. For some reason today, I pulled the site back up, signed in, and started typing.
A quick recap of my story…..I thought life was great. I was madly, passionately, crazy in love with my husband. He had always been affectionate, caring, loving and all of that. We had an argument in late July- which rarely occurred throughout our marriage. In his anger he packed himself and his daughter up and left. Just like that. 10 years together and 8 years of marriage was over.
I did everything wrong from that point forward. I thought he might come home when he calmed down. He didn’t. I am a “get it done” type of person so I immediately went to an attorney and had papers drawn up. I have to admit that I had hoped it would shock him into “snapping out of it”. I called him, texted him, begged him, cried, tried to reason with him……….basically everything that a person should do to drive another person away, not get them back. All I could say to everyone was, “I DON’T WANT THIS!!!!!!!!” I have literally cried every single day since he left. 6 months later on Jan 12th, our divorce was final. It felt like the worst day of my life.
Even though we are divorced, we continue to talk off and on with our most recent conversation taking place 2 days ago. I go a week or so then I cave in and call. I even made it 2 weeks straight a couple of times. But inevitably I give into my emotions and make contact. He answers when I call/text and I really don’t know why he bothers. He says he wants me to leave him alone – although sometimes he says he doesn’t mind talking as long as we don’t talk about “us”. I’ve tried to leave him alone. Really I have! God knows he hasn’t made any contact with me other than an “I hope you are doing ok” text on our anniversary and one on Thanksgiving as well. Hell, I didn’t even get a text or call on Christmas. His actions speak loudly. But I choose to hear only what I want to hear. He has been very clear that he wants to move on. Why can’t I seem to let him? I even asked him to just block me to save him the trouble and save me from myself. He hasn’t - which I could so easily read into but I need to quit that nonsense!
I’ve learned a lot over the past 6 months. Things came to light that would take me days to type. He wasn’t as perfect as I had thought. And since he left, let’s just say that he’s not been “killing it” at life. He and my step daughter now live with his parents in a 2 bedroom house. He has accumulated a serious amount of debt, and he has absolutely no direction in life. When I met him 10 years ago he was in the same situation; living as a “man child” with his parents and had his oldest daughter with him at the time. Perhaps that big red flag waving in front of my face should have tipped me off?!
Before I met him I was a pretty confident person. My self-esteem was intact. I realize that I have lost this over the years. Basically, it’s destroyed. I have wrapped up my self-worth in what HE thinks of me. If he loves me then I’m lovable. If he doesn’t then I’m nothing. How warped is that??! I want the old me back. I want to feel strong. I don’t want to be the weak little pathetic person who chases someone who doesn’t want them. Quite frankly, chasing someone who doesn’t deserve me. I want to walk away and never look back again. How did I get here? How do I get back? I know that I need to begin by cutting all contact and when I have my logical mind leading the way, I’m capable. When my emotional side gets the best of me, I’m doomed. Does anyone have any tips on getting through those rough emotional moments? Breaking my fingers so I can’t dial perhaps?