I am writing this here because it anonymous and I really dont know anyone that I trust enough to disclose how I feel. I really dont know what I expect to happen because I know there is nothing that can really change any of my circumstances. Perhaps, I am hoping that writing it all down will make me feel better. I have lost all hope for my future. The story begins 14 years ago when I decided that I didnt want to be alone anymore. I really only had one thing to offer in a relationship, which was financial security. So I played the only hand I had and found a single mother who was struggling and convinced her to marry me. Our marriage was terrible because she was very angry, mean, and frequently unfaithful. Nonetheless, I stuck it out, I guess because I thought it was better than being alone. She even convinced me to have two more children with her. Now dont get me wrong I love my children and I am grateful that they are in my life. Nonetheless, I feel bad about bringing them into such a bad situation. Anyway, I lost my job about a year ago and have not been able to find a job. A few month ago my wife told me she got a job, which was far away, and she was taking the children but I couldnt come with her. She said that if I couldnt financially support her then I had nothing left to offer her so she was moving on. I feel very resentful about this after supporting her for 14 years without one complaint. I didnt fight her on custody and I have given her almost all I have left to support my children. I have no choice at this point but to move back in with my parents, which is also far away. But this really doesnt matter because I dont know anyone in the area I live and without my children around there is not much point in staying. Nonetheless, I feel like a failure for having to move back in with them. I am defaulting on the house we lived in, because I cant pay for it anymore. I guess bankruptcy will be next. I do not see any hope for the future. I am going to be broke for the rest of my life. Prior to my wife I had two relationships and very few women showed any interest in me. Now that I am going to be poor and living with my parents, I really dont see any chance of ever finding a new partner. I am having a very difficult time accepting the fact that I will never have companionship or intimacy in my life again. I am so deeply depressed. I fight every day to keep suicidal thoughts out of my mind. I have made a promise to myself to not do this. I am a very strong person and I know that I will be able to keep this promise to myself. I have proven my strength to myself in that I have entirely stopped drinking since my wife left because I know that drinking would be a path to further self-destruction. Unfortunately, this promise to not commit suicide has done little to alleviate the desire. I am distressed that I am having these thoughts in the first place. I have never had these thoughts before and I dont know quite how to deal with them. It is just that when I think about having to live the next 30 to 40 years of my live alone, broke, and in such misery it is a lot to accept. I know I probably need to see a therapist, but I cant afford it. Hopefully Ill get a job soon so that I can. Until then, just hanging on by a thread.
Posts You May Be Interested In
theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...