From the time i heard these words 5 months ago until now they hurt no less. Probably even more as i can see the dead look in her eyes and hear the statement echoe over and over and over. the statement that has stripped me of so much of who i was. with those words she took away 23years of trust, 14 years of marriage and all the spirit i have for livng and enjoying anything. It is as though i am wearing a pair of sunglasses that will not allow me to view, think, act, or do anything without it being shaded by this loss. And now comes the stupid things that one will do when trying to get back the love they have lost. At first you deny it. then within a week or so you dont close any of your conversations on the phone or in person when you say goodbye with "i love you" . from then till now that space where that statement used to be just hangs in mid air like an empty hole that grows and grows. I still give her a hug, i still give her a kiss on the cheek becasue if anything were to happen to either one of us i would regret not doing it. but in return i get a limp lifeless arm and cold heart. it kills you inside. then the self doubt comes when you have to look at yourself in the mirror every morning and wonder if you are now unattractive, maybe too old, maybe not rugged enough for her taste, too nice , or just completely wrong in every way. So here comes the mistake. YOu want to fill that emptiness and know that ohters find you attractive because you are not sure ,and the hole blown through your heart does not allow you to know. So what i did rather than go out an physicaly cheat was i opened a myspace account to put myself out there and accutualy get some positive comments to help me feel better. in anger i listed myself as single ( hated to lie it felt like cheeting) so i got my positive comments which did not fill the void. my wife found the page and assumed i was planning to move on .(why it would matter if you dont love me anymore i am not sure) i half heartedly allowed her to stumble on to it hoping maybe she would be jealous. Instead i got her angry and she took her wedding ring, the ring i gave her for our ten year aniversary and, the ring i gave her for our first year and locked them away saying " i will save them for the kids when they are older" I know they are just rings, but the symbolism and finality of removing what tells the world you are married hurt beyond belief. I am still wearing mine and not sure what to do. i have tried to take it off but cant do without it for very long. the thing is she had allready made up her mind that we will separate and divorce. but taking the symbolism away for what represented many great years, kids, love etc kills me. so here is one of the things i needed to get off my chest so i can work today without it in my head.
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