you sure need to pray for help from God. turn your x over to God and ask him to start your recovery NOW. I pray you step up to the understanding that you cant control anything but how you think and what you do. seek out support mechanisms.
pray and read "Tough Love" by Dr Dobson
take care and have a good day

"i am missable"

Yes, you are. You know that at the surface, but maybe not at the core. I know that feeling, too. A counselor is a BIG help. Writing letters of love and encouragement to yourself is great, too (especially when you go back and look at them later, both when you're up AND when you're down...you get to see your own progress!) I have also found that there is a part of me that actually hooks into the anger/pain of the "Why isn't he....?" mode that serves an unhealthy willingness within me to stay connected to him in any way possible...even if it's to "give" him my time via thoughts and emotions, rather than give that time to myself and my own development. I think this (for ME) in part has been due to fear and (ouch!) some laziness: now that I have time to think about what I'd like to do with my own life, I feel like I don't know WHAT I want to do....I have to rediscover my interests and in some cases, maybe even just discover them. I have allowed myself to be a child in many ways with my SOs, so that when they left I felt like I would die, even though I'm an adult. I resist the personal responsibilities of being an adult, ie, handling my feelings in a way that isn't destructive to myself but is still human enough to allow me to feel...but then I feel this resentment at not feeling like I deserve adult privileges or respect. It's a wheel that I turn myself inside out on! I know it feels monumental in nature, but try, just for a few minutes each hour, to turn your focus inwards towards your own goodness and growth; be honest with yourself (no one else is listening except God and his strength is that he loves you as you are, no matter what!) and get that stuff OUT!!! Nothing new can come into your life if you're stuffed full of self-hatred and hopelessness, so get those processed as often as you can and then grab the goodness that you KNOW is in you (those "missable" parts!) and love them, celebrate them, invite them back into YOUR life! You may find yourself smiling and even laughing at your own good company as time goes on. Once you can do this, you'll realize that your ex's life/reality is his to deal with and yours is NOT dependent upon his. If you can, read Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search For Meaning". We can, as human beings, survive and thrive in horrific circumstances and the loss of (someone we) love is certainly one of those horror stories. But there can be a choice in it, too. I hope you'll choose, more and more, to be there for YOU, trying2staystrong, and that one day you'll discover that your struggle to be strong is less and the strength that you have is...more and more. Have a good day today, and do some writing if you can!!!!!!!!

Go running!!!! :-> You CAN be in that 5K run and we'll ALL be cheering for you when you pass that finish line!!!!

We can't make them love us, we can't make them feel. We can only choose our actions, not theirs. Choose to take care of yourself, choose to do things that make you happy, choose to do things for you.

some people, like me, like being alone, find comfort being alone... are actually stressed around people. Once I get through the 'oh shit, she left me' stage, I'm usually good. Right now, I'm following the 'The Divorce Remedy' book's advice called 'the last resort method' and it involves not emailing, calling, initiating any contact. I'm giving her space and letting her know that I'm moving on. Supposedly, this is going to make her realize that I'm happy without her and maybe she should kick herself in gear and get me back... OR... I'm moving on without her and am happy anyway.