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Husband moving out

deleted_user
deleted_user
Well my husband called me at work today to tell me he is moving out this weekend. He asked me to go somewhere with the kids so he can load up and it will be easier on him. My feelings are so confused. I know it is a good thing because of all the damage he has created in his war path, but I feel so much pity for him. He has it all. He tells everyone I am the "perfect" wife. That I have always stood beside him through all his decisions and I have been faithful and fulfilling, but he wants to learn how to do it on his own. His life has turned into the single bar life and getting other women's phone numbers. I can't see how he can say he loves me, but look for something in someone else. It is not lack of sex, love, faith, deterination, so then what is it. Why for some men is 1 woman not enough. He wants to have his cake and eat it to. Part of me wants to hang onto him and go against all my morals and say then have it, but I know I am worth more than that. I want to set an example for my daughters on what a relationship is and that is not what it is. It is 2 people that love each other unconditionally through everything. I feel so cheated that I did that and did not get it in return. I hope there is someone out there for me that can love me for me. I am not a perfect woman, but I cherish family and my values. I am hoping in the end we both find what we are looking for. This is supposed to be a "trial" seperation, but how can a marriage be trial? If you are willing to walk away once who is to say you wouldn't do it again. I just needed to get my thoughts out there to my friends on DS and hope to find the strength from you to make it through this week.
deleted_user
deleted_user
The alcoholic has serious character flaws, emotional immaturity not the least of them.

You are powerless over him, his choices, and his boozing. Let him go and take it one day at a time. Later you can decide if you want him back should the occasion arise.
ChiTownBear
ChiTownBear
After what had gone on just yesterday, wierd at the change. Maybe he is looking for some kind of something from you, and when you asked he leave by the 1st, this is his way of doing that, or seeing if you were serious.

I dont know if that made sense or not.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Sorry to hear about your situation. Without knowing much, I'm guessing perhaps the 2 of you married young. As a guy rescuing myself from an unhealthy marriage, I know what it is like to think the grass must be greener. In his case, you sound terrific, but perhaps his own issues, such as not dating much before marriage (just guessing..maybe something else) are leading him to believe there is something/someone else that will make him "happier". Maybe he will find it, or maybe he will realize what happiness really is and end the separation. My advice is to not hold on tightly, it is up to him to decide. Interveing may just drive him away more. You in turn can set boundaries and say that if you continues to want to meet other women, then there will be changes in the way you give of yourself to him, because you are right, you are worth more than allowing him to have it both ways.
Loving unconditionally works, up to a point, in my opinion. If you love unconditionally, but do not get what you need and desire in return, you risk becoming unhappy, resentful and unfulfilled yourself. It is not what you deserve.
Also, have you sought marital counseling?
Hang in there
deleted_user
deleted_user
We did marriage counseling before and the therpaist told me to run like hell and not look back. We have been together for 13 years and have a 13 year old and 10 year old. We never dated and I think that is part of the issue as well. The final straw for me is when he came home form the bar so drunk on Friday that he didn't even remember driving home. I don't want to be a witness to his self destruction nor do I want my girls to. I know he is depressed, but alcohol is a factor in that as well. His mom says he has always been a selfish person and it has nothing to do with me. It is all just so sad that someone can choose the "single" lifestyle over being a father. He doesn't even have a relationship with his daughters anymore.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I know how hard it is to let the one you love go, but things do get better. My ex drank so much, and our marriage suffered for it. When I finally decided to leave (9 years ago) he turned his life around. It was too late to save "us", but we are great friends now, and better parents than we ever were before.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Now Tam...I have to put in my 2 cents again as the anti male bashing spokesman.
My stbx did the cheating and wanted the Divorce. I was a loving caring husband the entire marriage. She would still say I am a great husband and guy....does it make sense...no but things are the way they are.

So I will say it is an individual thing and not a gender thing!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Oh - I think your counseler may be on to something.. he may be self medicating the depression and needs help. He may hate himself so much he is willing to remove himself from what appears to be a great family life, because he feels so worthless and feels he doesn't deserve it. You can only recommend he get help, you can't force it. There are such things as interventions, but it really has to be up to him to end his date with self destruction. God forbid he kills someone or himself on the way home.
I recommend Al-anon for you, as well, sooner (now) rather than later.
deleted_user
deleted_user
That is what he tells me that I am to good for him. I know it is the alcohol, but I can't sit back and watch him self destruct either. I told him I am there for him whenever he needs someone to talk to our just vent. We have a relationship where he can come to me and say I need to talk to you as my best friend right now, not my wife. So we are able to do that.
Mike40---I had no intentions on male bashing..
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yes, there was no male bashing here.

The best people to help him are his fellow alcoholics, when he decides to get help. If you give him emotional booty calls, you are still enabling him.
deleted_user
deleted_user
CVGL is right, tammi - enabling doesn't work.
Sadly, my wife used to be my best friend. A marriage should have that, but as his friend, let him get the help that will work - at AA. You cannot fix it, as much as you would like and as much as you try. You risk going down with him
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