
Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
how to move forward without forgiveness

deleted_user
Hi its me again....the schmuck that cheated. Anyone out there that has been cheated on and forgave and it worked ut or is there no such thing as forgiveness. In my book forgiveness is just that . A second chance at the way things were. if you are forgiven then thats when you start working your ass off and thank god for that second chance. but I think the reason it never works is because of the way everyone else does it. When I say that I mean people tell me they forgive but never forget. Well if it comes up in every discussion and is being used against you or everytime you hang up the phone and the " who was that " is the first thing out of her mouth am I really forgiven?. I am still living here with my wife and she tells me she loves me and kisses me before she goes to work, but on that same token tells me I am not forgiven and shows no compassion at all ...... not that I deserve it but how in the hell am I going to prove its never going to happen again or prove I have learned from my mistakes if I am going to constantly going to be on trial for the latter. If anyone can shed some light on this : I am going crazy i think.
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This may take a long time to work out and maybe your wife wants to see if you really mean it. I imagine she has "trust" issues right now..which isn't easy to overcome.
On the other hand...I'm going to castigate you...just slightly..yes it is hell...who lit the match?
I'm a schmuck expert..so you can take my word on this.
The decision to forgive may be instant..but forgiveness is a process. She is in a lot of pain and needs time and patience. You can do that. Really..it's the least that you can do.
This a hurt that runs very deep. Let her know that you realize that this is a BIG deal.
When she asks you where you are going or who you were talking to on the phone..tell her. Maybe at one time she did not have the right to know.. but now she does.
Don't make her feel bad..or crazy..for acting or feeling the way that she is.
You have to prove yourself. It will take time and it will be worth it.
Hang in there..
You can't put her in this situation then try to manage her pain for her or give her a timeframe that works for you.
I think it's great that you own up to your mistake, it's a great first step, but realize that's all it is. One step no matter how significant, does not complete a journey.
I think charlenemm had alot of great points in her reply. This is a serious wound she will not let it go until time passes or she feels you get/understand her pain. So until more time passes or you get it, she will try to give you some of her pain. It's not the best thing to do but it may lighten her load.
Last comment. It's very easy to say that you would not do this to her. But if she told you she was intimate with someone else and was either telling you how to deal with your pain or had a hurry up and get over this attitude, your mind would be spinning.
I truly hope it works out. It seems like you both want it to.