how long has it been

Bout two months

Want the truth. two months is a very short time since you cheated for you to be expecting your wife to act like she forgives you. Intimacy is a much bigger thing for a woman than for a man. much more emotional. If you want to make this work you will give her as much time as she needs.

onthebeach has a valid point with the question of how long has it been. I forgave the ex for his cheating..he never asked for forgiveness though, it was my gift to give him. What he didn't do was show any willingness to work on the issues (attend counseling, s how compassion).

This may take a long time to work out and maybe your wife wants to see if you really mean it. I imagine she has "trust" issues right now..which isn't easy to overcome.

On the other hand...I'm going to castigate you...just slightly..yes it is hell...who lit the match?

heres an update ....She just said that she wants me to suffer and hurt as bad as her....Granted what i did in my eyes is unforgivable and how she is still fighting for something is beyond me but she is and I cannot imiagine anyone wanting the one they love to hurt. that to me sounds vengful doesn't it. And when I mean compassion I mean actually sitting down and talking aout something productive

First..I would say that you are not really a schmuck. Those guys don't even bother to offer an opolgy..or try to make things right.

I'm a schmuck expert..so you can take my word on this.

The decision to forgive may be instant..but forgiveness is a process. She is in a lot of pain and needs time and patience. You can do that. Really..it's the least that you can do.

This a hurt that runs very deep. Let her know that you realize that this is a BIG deal.

When she asks you where you are going or who you were talking to on the phone..tell her. Maybe at one time she did not have the right to know.. but now she does.

Don't make her feel bad..or crazy..for acting or feeling the way that she is.

You have to prove yourself. It will take time and it will be worth it.

Hang in there..

you did not just say that you couldn't imagine how someone would want someone they love to hurt. You have got to be kidding me

thats exactly what I meant ....I know what I did was very hurtful. But Apologizing learning and proving otherwise is verydifficult if the one you hurt is intentionaly wanting you to hurt to ....Thats not love or forgiveness. I would never hurt my wife or child intentionaly because they hurt me , that goes back to the two wrongs don't make a right theory. also How do you intentionaly hurt someone so that you feel better about yourself. sounds selfish . Don't get me wrong I started all this and feel shitty eneough . if the roles were reversed and I sincerely believed she was sorry, I would not feel better by driving the dagger in deeper if that makes sense. thanks che2 that helps a bit

Don't forget that on top of being hurt..she's probably confused. I've walked in her shoes...it's really hell trying to climb a mountain in high heels. My point is..no one is ever prepared for this, it's not like you pack an emotional bag in case of an emergency and break out the equipment you will need. you may look at her reaction as being vengeful, I see it as survival. She's kicked off the high heels for this climb..just doesn't have those climbing boots..give it time.

mkaes sense ...What do I do until then ?????? she is asking me why it is her decision on whether we work this out or not...I donot know how to tell her otherwise , I mean I am here and willing to do what it takes. should I leave? Without her forgiveness I feel as if I cannot move forward with anything else

OK ...listen you have know idea the pain she is in..ARE YOU HEARING ME!! You think this just can be forgave and it is over..no way ......You were not thinking when you cheated on her....you only thought of yourself!!! You give her time!!! As much time as she needs....She wants to hurt you..you bet!! She wants you to understand the pain she feels ...which you don't!! Time and let her say and do what she needs to get through this...GEE you loved her but look how you hurt her....and than you say you cannot understand why she wants to hurt you!!! Think!!!

One thing that I see that is missing is validation of the pain that your wife is suffering. I would suggest that you hold your wife in your arms and tell her (sincerely) that you are so sorry you hurt her so badly. Do this many, many times. Validation is a powerful thing to do. Your wife has been wounded deeply, and just like a major wound (as opposed to a scrape), it will take a long time and a lot of care for it to heal. You can't just put a bandage on a big gunshot wound and expect it to heal. It has to be cared for and cleaned every day for a long time. That's what it's going to take for this emotional wound to heal. Patience, love and care. Sincerely telling her you're sorry you hurt her will go a long way! My 19 year old son had a wreck with me in the car when he had his learner's permit. My shoulder was hurt enough that I had to go to PT. I remember being amazed that he told me every day for about a month that he was so sorry he had hurt me. It was so sincere and meant so much to me (and was freely given - I certainly wasn't complaining about what happened). But it really made me feel good about my son's character. So, go out of your way to love and care for her and tell her everyday that you're so sorry you hurt her. You may have to do it every day for a year and then once a week for a long time. But if you do love her, this will be a gift you can give her to make up for the wound you caused!

my stbx cheated on me years ago and we separated 3 mos ago he has a new gf as of 2 1/2 months ago and I forgave him but never trusted him fully again it's always in the back of your mind

I heard it said that you will only forgive a person when you feel like they understand how much they hurt you. She will stop doing this when she feels that you get it.

You can't put her in this situation then try to manage her pain for her or give her a timeframe that works for you.

I think it's great that you own up to your mistake, it's a great first step, but realize that's all it is. One step no matter how significant, does not complete a journey.

I think charlenemm had alot of great points in her reply. This is a serious wound she will not let it go until time passes or she feels you get/understand her pain. So until more time passes or you get it, she will try to give you some of her pain. It's not the best thing to do but it may lighten her load.

Last comment. It's very easy to say that you would not do this to her. But if she told you she was intimate with someone else and was either telling you how to deal with your pain or had a hurry up and get over this attitude, your mind would be spinning.

I truly hope it works out. It seems like you both want it to.

Sounds like you are lucky she is offering a second chance. It is now your obligation to prove you can be faithful to her and wait for her to heal. Always be up front and honest and give her no reason to not trust you or this process will take even longer. When my wife and I got married it was agreed by both of us there would be an end before any other relationships. When I caught her that was strike three so consider yourself lucky.