This is a bit long but I couldn't really ask for help with this issue without some background. Sorry.


I left my country plus all my family and friends to marry a man I thought was "the one". I was 22 at the time but had lived on my own since I was 16 and had also lived in France before moving to the US. We got married with the agreement we would have sex with others, be open with each other and always be honest about how we were feeling. Or course things didn't go to plan. Two years into the marriage he was in a near fatal car accident which left him with a head injury and a personality change. The man I feel in love with died that morning and I was left with a stranger but no one could really understand that because how could I not love the man who was still with me. Shortly after his rehab I became sick with PCOS then my dad died and I went into a tail spin. I needed my husbands support very badly his response was to start an relationship with a woman I couldn't stand before hand much less like the fact she was getting all his attention and physical time when I needed him.
Then 3 years ago things went from bad to worse. My beloved grandmother died and while I was in the UK sorting out her estate (my dad was her only child) hubby and I got into some serious fight over money. I turned out he had 10 secret credit cards and we were $20,000 in debt and because I was working the 3 months it took to pack up her home and sell the house we were in a mess. My entire inheritance went into paying the debts and buying things for the house. Shortly after returning home I entered a very demanding full time 2 year class. During the second semester my farther in law who I was close too died, my mother died suddenly, a co-worker hung himself and my sister in law died all within 3 months. While I was in the UK for my mothers funeral which my husband did not attend because he would have had to postpone a class he was teaching he hooked us up on line with the couple I am currently involved with. Apparently, his mind was occupied with something other than a family loss that week. I managed to stay in school and pass but I don't know how. The weekend before finals I had a miscarriage. I had been trying to get pregnant for years and had been told I would need help due to the PCOS so that came as a shock. His response was to be pissed that we weren't having sex that week. throughout this mess the couple who he had met were really understanding and supportive. She is a therapist and he is an engineer but they live a rather unconventional lifestyle on top of being out as polyamorous. I had never heard of polyamory before meeting them but had been more or less out as bi for about the last 5 years or so, ultimately I was really impressed by the openness and read all I could find about the poly lifestyle and have since decided that I want to be out as poly. My husband wants to be a swinger and wants nothing to do with this lifestyle at all. In his mind having a very public 3 year affair is ok but to want to live a life where having multiple partners is accepted is not "normal". According to him I have gone off the deep end and don't know what i am doing and am making the biggest mistake of my life. The last year or so has been the most miserable of my life. We lived in a small town in a rural part of NJ (well if you can call any part NJ rural) and we both work in the same field so, we had friends and co-workers in common as well as all the happy nonsense a small town can bring.
I walked out on him in March the night I got back from a trip to the UK to try and tie up my mothers affairs. I called my male lover to let him know I had landed and everything was ok and hubby flipped on me. He knows some of my past and has used it against be before but this night he really scared me and I walked out. I filed about 3 months ago but he is yet to be served. Two weeks ago I had my pay cheque switched to a new bank account and today he went nuts on me on the phone and my male partner got involved and things went from bad to worse.
How do I handle this? I still love my husband and I think I always will but it is the kind of love you feel for a child. I feel like I have abandoned my baby. He earns about twice what i currently do plus I have not been working full time so I can finish school and he tells me this makes me irresponsible. What can I do to make this better for everyone? I just wanted this to be an ok split. I don't want the house even though I love it I don't want him to have to sell it so I told him and my lawyer that I don't want anything from it. I just want to walk away. Help