Why must men and women be so different. They always say women must feel close to have sex, and that men feel close BY having sex.

That said, anyone - man or woman - who expects you to have sex after you have been screaming at them - is nuts. (Unless you're into angry sex.)

I am not into angry sex. I think that is a little sick, but I am sure that there are others that are - I don't mean to judge. I think that he has a disconnect. He screams at me and then thinks everything is fine an hour or two later. I am over the argument but I still don't feel close to him.

Well, he should understand and respect that. It's not rocket science or Chinese water torture, is it?

As a man, I do think you have to have that mind/spirit connection. Then cut loose for all its worth.
But then again, sex is just a memory right now and that where it is going to stay.

Wow. Sex, huh? Whew. My wife was always the one who initiated towards the end of our marriage. I was so emotionally drained from her abuse that I just didn't feel close enough. In the beginning of our marriage it was great. I had waited until marriage to have sex. It was wonderful. I wanted children. She had lied to me about being able to have kids. She had had an hysterectomy several years before and even though we discussed names for children, she wouldn't let go the lie. After a year she finally told me the truth. I lost all trust in her and eventually all respect as well. It got bad. I would make sure she got hers and hope she wouldn't lash out in anger at me the next day. Yeah right.

I might write more later, batteries low in lap-top.

I feel the same way. There has to be some kind of passion. For the past 3 years I have not had that with my stbx. When ever we did have sex, it was because he wanted it and insisted on it. Otherwise I would be called names, and given an attitude the next day until we went to bed the next night and he would try again. I told him that him not allowing me to say no and excepting it was a real turnoff and the more he puched the worse it got. He did not understand that.

Sex was just another way for my husband to abuse me. When we were first married I would rub his back or try to show affection and he would tell me to leave him alone finally I took the hint and i did. He did not sleep in our bed he slept on the couch and made all kinds of excuses for it. When he wanted sex he would come upstairs have sex with me and leave. I tried so many times to make him understand how I felt and he didn't care because he didn't respect me.
I was sexually promiscuous whenI was younger but I never felt shame or felt like a slut untill i was married and that was the only thing my husband wanted from me. I finally got to the point that it made me feel sick to have sex with him, and he would humiliate me and try to force me into having sex with him. He would come to my bed room and wheni would say no, but if you want to stay and cuddle or talk I would love the company and he would get pissed and scream at me and accuss me of cheating.
His idea of romance was to grab me by my croch.
The week before i left I needed money for an attourney in a case involving my son. He wrote out the check and told me i had to wait a few days to cash it becasue he had just made a deposit. He then tried to force me into having sex with him when I didn't he tore up the check and gave the money to his son instead.
I am afraid of men and freaked out by acts of kindness, I feel like there is an ulterior motive. I don't know if i will ever trust men again or not.

I feel the same way you do jlynne....there has to be a connection at a deeper level before I will have sex...my ex did all that yelling and screaming crap and didn't have a clue why I didn't want him touching me! However, I do know there are some men who understand that and those are the ones we must seek out...and they are the ones who don't do all the yelling and screaming...

My stbx was the only man I have ever been with that would try to make me feel bad for not wanting to have sex. Any other guy I have been with before him, never even asked why let alone get mad. Smaquire, I know what you mean about the grabbing. My stbx was constantly grabbing at me, even in front of other people. He said he did it because he knew I didn't like it.

hmmmm....how do i view sex?....usually it's out of focus and upside down.

View sex it would just be nice to remember what that is. I know I must have had it at least twice got the two kidos to prove it

What I find interesting, is that until my husband, I didn't have a partner that could keep up with my desires. I have never had to be coaxed into love making by a man that loved me before this relationship. I think that it is the abusive nature of our relationship that is really making the sex an issue.

I can't totally understand that, I can't reallyexplan it but i have been there. I used to be a very sexual person. I was a nympho. But My STBX ruined it for me. I have not wanted sex for almost a year now, not that I don't have urges but i can't stand to be touched, in a sexual way and the thought of someone even trying makes me freak out.I don't know if I will ever get past this.

smaquire,
I think that you will get over it. You have been hurt deeply. It is his problem, not yours. Was he also a control freak? I am starting to see a pattern. I think that the sex issue really might have more to do about power and control than sex. That might be why we experience something similar to a rape victim response. (Don't touch me). It seems that the problems occur when the power is uneven. If someone is put in a position where they feel that they can't say no, sex is no longer about love and affection.

I don't know if i would call him a controll freak. He didn't care about cleanliness or anything like that but had to controll money and would warn me to keep my mouth shut about things and when certain people would come by. He refused to babysit our kids so i could work if i wanted to work i could only do so when he was at work. I paid all the bills including the satalite bill but i was not alowed to watch TV unless it was what he wanted to watch I couldn'y even go watch it on another TV because then he would have to deal with the kids. Then he would turn over and go to sleep.I would just say he was so abusive in every way. I actually became kind of a controll freak . I had to fld clothes a certain way or clean things constantly it was like i needed to be able to controll the little things because i had no controll over my life.