Wow, are you sure that isn't my wife your talking about? We have been married almost 14 years and have had a great relationship and I have enjoyed being married. Now, after supporting her for 8 years, she said I work too much. I have struggled to pay the bills lately and tried to make ends meet (with no help from her). She also seems emotionless and I can't figure it out either. We are ready to seperate, but there are no rentals to be found that I would have my 2 kids in. Not sure what to do.

I feel for both of you I was married for 22 years with stbx left. She idles on emotionless and cold. You have to look at your life in a whole new way. You had all your hopes and dreams tied up in your family and now all of that is gone. Every thing for me went up in smoke with a 15 minute conversation and she was out the door. The weird part is I really don't know why but I have heard that she had been talking about it for years. This was after she left in 96 and I took her back. She promised she would never leave me again. I never really trusted her after the first time and that might have been why it did not work out. You have to think about you now and start making new plans. When they leave its very hard to trust them ever again, no matter what the reasons are.

Rudy, ramone and wick, it sounds like we are all married to the same woman. Mine is leaving after 15 and ahalf years of marriage that I thought were good years. I supported her and the 4 kids finacially. Now I find out she says she has been unhappy for a while, then she fell in love with someone else and wants to make a new life with him. She seems very cold to my feelings even though she says she feels guilty, her actions aren't showing it.

Hey Guys, I can relate from the other gender. I feel all those feelings too, Rudy. I was the bread winner in the family and put in long hours to make the bills. Our marriage became a sexless meaningless routine, but I would have never walked, not with 3 kids. My EX walked out on me for another man. So add to the pot insecurity, worthlessness and doubt of my own sexuality. But after 3 years I'm being to realize if I ever want I real relationship I have to be the kind of person I would want to be with. I'm working hard on it but sometimes life still comes around and kicks my butt.

I am also from the other side of the situation - My husband left me with three teens after 20 years of marriage because he wanted to see if a married co-worker that was flirting with him would make a commitment if he were free. Obviously there were problems in our relationship but it was a surprise to me that he would throw away our life together to pursue someone else like he was a high school student rather than a man in his middle years of life- sounds like mid-life crisis time.
I like what Wick said about having to start thinking about your life in a new way. After 20 years of defining myself through this marriage, it is time to let go of the dream and see what possibilities are out there. I have had to start over before, it is just harder this time - I guess because its happening at 50 rather than 15.

Rudy,
I am also on the other side of the coin. My not quite ex husband was involved in a "friendship" that has obviously turned into more eventhough he won't admit it. We have been together 10 years and married 9. We have a 3 year old son. You are so right it is hard to move on when you still love a person, and you don't "understand" why or what you did wrong. One thing that has helped is total honesty with myself (the signs were there) and self reflection (what could I have done differently). We must remember that we can't control anyone but ourselves.

RudyL, I don't know the answer to your question. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My wife of 14 yrs filed for divorce in Feb '07, divorce was finalized a couple of weeks ago. Just a little while ago, I dropped my 12 yr daughter at the X's house. X came outside to talk to me about details of a trip my daughter is taking with church. Cried all the way home...I still love her and don't know what to do. If it wasn't for this web site I don't know if I could make it.

I'm right here with all of you. I have a newborn baby to boot. He left me for some one who had more money and less bills than our family. And still continues to tell me he loves me everyday and that he hurts every second. I dont know the answer to getting past this. I just know that I myself am trying to take it one moment at a time. Some moments are harder than the others. Here lately I have been re-evaluating why it is that I want him. The familiarity fo the relationship. The anxiety of having to learn someone else all over again. Those may be the reasons. But when I think about all the things that have been wrong in our relationship and the way he ended our relationship, im beginning to think that maybe it was for the best. I love him. Want to talk to him everyday. Want to see him everyday that I can. Want to be held by him. I cry in my sleep for him. It was different when he was working and i slept alone. but to know that i will be sleeping alone from here on out and at no point will he be coming home. that is devastating. i dont know the answer. but it will come to each of us in our own time.

I wish I had an answer to that question...My life would be so much better!

Why is it that only after they have cheated on us that they belive that they were not in love with us anymore?

My best advice..remind yourself of what you wife did to you. A person does not do that to someoen they love. Why should you love someone who doesn't love you the same way?

I am new with this community,as I read your stoiers,your pain comes through and touches some of the openend wounds I have from my own divorce,I quit trying to balance the guilt and blame a long time ago,the wounds have taken along time to heal. I still have areas in the crevices of my heart that Truly don't know if the wound ever will heal,it runs deep,where all the vunrableness that comes from opening up in every way to the one person you thought the day you married them,would be the salve to help heal the pains that comes in life. I know I was disappointed, dissoluton and damaged during my marriage,and when the divorce was final,it my as well been a death certificate.well the years have passed and just this My e and I sat dowm and really spoke about so many things that we never put words to when we were married. He ius married,but says he loves me,I will go to my grave I believe with knowing he will apply all he's learned through us to try to make a life with a woman he says he douesn't love. He said he doesn't see them getting a divorce. You would just have to know him better than I do I guess,because the day he told me how sorry he was how he can't stop thinking of us, how he missses his family, it left me aching in side. .Because he doesn't want to divorce the woman he is with and try to rebuild our life together. Just to make it clear, he and I are not having any sexual relationship with each other. It took 7 almost 8 years,just to sit down and talk.They say time heals all, I guess love covers a multitude of sin,Love just may not let you be togther.It hasn't at least for me.But we do have peace now.That peace came from love I think,and it has been healing for our children,because no matter what we will always be a family.It just hurts because I miss the beginnings of our love.

I'm very sorry to hear this. The guy I'm in love with, but no longer together with, is also kind of distant and emotionless. And, like your wife, doesn't seem like the same person. I admire you for not wanting to spend your nights at the bar, because that's not the way to go. I'm sort of in your boat. Sure I wasn't married or had children with the guy, but I was/am very much in love with him and it's been rough. It's been nearly two years & I'm still not overy it. Hopefully you heal quicker than I do. Nobody deserves to be lonely or depressed for that long! Hopefully she'll realize what she's missing out on. I'm also very angered to see that she already has a boyfriend. Do you suspect she'd be seeing him before the separation?

I think the reason that the person who leaves suddenly seems cold and emotionless is that they are trying to distant themselves from their spouse. The people who leave generally go through a whole gambit of emotions before making the decision (denial, guilt, anger, acceptance). By the time they leave they either no longer feel an emotional connection to their spouse or they are trying very hard not to feel anything at all for the spouse. Sometimes it is easier to not feel any emotions rather than risk feeling love, guilt, fear or whatever might come up that would make them second-guess their decision. Hope this makes sense. I know it seems like someone flipped a switch and suddenly your spouse has turned into someone you barely recognize but I really do believe this is a coping mechanism.

I'm in the same place but without the infidelity on her part (or I haven't learned of it yet). She says she's fallen out of love and we have nothing in common. Oddly, we talk together, laugh together, go to movies or ballgames together, and have 2 kids we both love. I also can't figure out how she got so emotionally cold to me. She can say the worst, most hurtful things, and won't attend couple counselling (although she's going to one to work on her, not us). I can't figure it out because you would really have to hate your spouse to leave them over emotions when you have 2 small kids and no alchol, no drugs, no abuse, a good provider, a kind person, etc. She's just in a total "I want happiness for me at the expense of everyone else and I won't listen to how it would affect the kids and I won't think through what this is going to look like" place. She talks about new cars and spa treatments when a divorce would put us both back in small apartments. It makes no sense.

We're in for a world of hurt.

And at some point, we see how pointless it all is.

Our relationships are not what they seemed. It is not our fault. Since we are the ones holding on - it is clear we were not the ones changing the rules of the game without telling our partner.

To answer your question - you don't move on when you are still in love.

I sit here tonight, with my children tucked in safe and sound. My wife had dinner with George... not the guy she cheated with back in October of 2006 when she moved out and filed for divorce... George is the new guy. And on Tuesday, my wife flies off to be with George for their summer vacation together.

Yet, she has the audacity to call me and leave me messages about missing me and wanting to talk.

After 10 years of marriage and two precious children, I deserve better than this.

So do you.

We have to own our love, in my opinion. Our love comes from us. We need to retake our lives. Live our lives.

Our significant others need to become insignificant before we can truly move on.

That's how I see it all tonight. I am tired. Tired of hurting.

And I am sorry for your pain too. I really am sorry... because like the other posters here, I know this pain all too well.

I'm sorry for your pain. It's so hard to be hurt by someone you loved. I find that lately, I have just accepted it. It is what it is, I can't change it. But I'm a fighter. So I work through the pain, I become a better mom, a better person. I look out for myself and my family. This is just how I deal. Didn't say I didn't cry