Well I thought my funk could only get better and that was my mistake. Getting divorced when it is not what I want has been unbearably hard. Every day I wake up praying for the day to be over so I can go to bed, but then I don't sleep and I dread having to go through the next day. I feel like my breathe is taken away over and over and that I keep getting kicked down, I honestly did not think it could hurt more or get harder and then I accidently ran into my H and his new GF on Fri nite and long story short did not confront him but he knew I saw him and she look petrified that I saw them. See I had my suspicions but did not know for sure and he denied it OVER and OVER again, even though I told him to please just tell me if there was because I did not want people talking or seeing then telling me or for me to find out the way I did. Well anyway, I fell to pieces and have discovered over the weekend that he has been with her since the beginning of February driving 45min to see her multiple times a week, sleeping at her house, bringing her to our neighborhood for weekends. So if he started in Feb you know he knew her before that and you know hes screwing her. All Fing weekend he was with her!!! He didn't come home for work until the last second on Monday. I of course have not heard from him and am waiting until he needs to come to house to get his mail or whatever else he needs, but I know it will be a while because he came for ALL of his clothes that my dumb ass packed for him on Friday during the day before I went to work. I wish he hadn't because I would have thrown them all over his lawn, porch, his car, her car!!! What absolutely kills me is how long he has been with her - he has been with her since before he asked me for the divorce which means that SHE is what flipped his switch and all those times he stood there and LIED to my face over and over again and telling me this hurt him too. Obviously it didn't hurt him too much if he was already with her and it took him absolutely NO time to replace me! I am Fing going crazy here- I haven't slept in over 2 days, I have no appetite and I've taken up smoking a pack a day and dry heaving the rest of the day. I have scheduled appts. with counselors and am waiting to go but the pain and heartache is just too much, it's killing me. I HURT HURT HURT I feel like I am dying. I want so badly to go off on him and I will because he DOES NOT deserve to walk away from this saying "Whew, that went better than I thought" in my book. However, I also want to do more than name call and cry, I don't know what I could say, but I want to say something profound or nerve striking. Any ideas? He threw away me, our marriage, our life, our home- for HER. Now I know why he wouldn't work on it, why he had no emotion. OMG, I don't have a fing clue on how to be ok from this!!! I have been through a lot of shit the last few years from deaths to job troubles, money, marriage and handled it all when I thought I couldn't but this, this has done me in. I want to get up, I just can't. It's consuming my very being and eating at my soul.
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