Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Help me...new here and confused

deleted_user
deleted_user
I am a 37 year old mother of 3 children aged 14, 12 and 8. 6 weeks ago yesterday my husband of 16 years came home and destroyed my world. He told me he didn't love me, had had 2 affairs *1 many years ago* and one recently and that he was leaving and didn't want to do marriage counseling as he didn't want to give me "false hope" as he'd made his mind up he was done in this marriage. We hadn't had a fight, argument and I had honestly NO idea that things were this bad. He said it took him 3 months to decide to do this and he just did it on a random Thursday at 1:00pm in the afternoon. He packed a suitecase, walked out and never said anything to me. That night he came home to tell our 3 kids about it and devastated them beyond belief. He thought he wanted to live the "single life" but decided after 16 years of marriage that was too shallow so he is now living with his parents in their basement. He's been an emotional rollercoaster with me and our relationship telling me 1 time he doesn't love me and then saying he does, giving me hugs, telling me he is so sorry. I am so confused.

How do you deal with a man who does this kind of thing to you? It's only been 6 weeks and I am "hopeful" for a reconciliation between us but honestly............how do I deal with all of this?? He is taking care of us financially but just doesn't live here. What do I do?? I am in therapy and my children will start therapy in the next couple of weeks but honestly I think HE needs the therapy even though he had the "nards" to blame it all on me and my controlling/passive aggressive behavior.

I have no idea where to turn or what to do next. I'm not emotionally ready for a divorce since it's only been 6 weeks and he seems sometimes to be just totally confused but so am I.

Where do I go? What do I do?? Where do I turn??? How do I help my children cope? My 14 year old is a girl who absolutely HATES her dad and won't go near him. What do I say to her to make it "ok" as much as it could be??? How do we recover from this?? How do I help them and myself??? This sucks!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I wish I had some answers for you... I think you have to decide if this rollercoaster ride is ok with you and your kids. Your husband sounds confused, but the ball is now in your court as he is the one that left, take your time and YOU decide if you want this for the rest of your life or not.
Hugs
E
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am soooo sooorrry! it is so overwhelming. Therapy is a great idea for you and the kids, your STBX (soon to be ex)should go to for the kids...this might be a back door entry to couples counseling??My situation was much more grave with him lying, gambing, cheating, doing internet porn etc...I had no hope but tried counseing for awhile anyway...but you mentioned an old affair, is theere a current one? Good Luck

KIM
deleted_user
deleted_user
I wish i had some answers for you, too. You jsut have to do the best you can, take it one day at a time, be sure to get lots of support whether it's here or somewhere else. I knwo I would be working toward lessening the confusion, which means that you will have to make some decisions of some kind and accept some things of some sort. I know that's not much help, but I want to acknowledge your story somehow!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank you E! I really appreciate it!! I don't know what I want to do. Most of me says it "only been 6 weeks" but some of me wants answers now. My therapist agrees that I need to give it more time but the emotional rollercoaster is really getting to me. I have depression, SAD and this time of year is so hard on me even when we were "happily" married...but now I feel like my life is a sham.....I have no idea if the 16 years were real or his part of being fake. Anyway I am just sad, confused and with the holidays......they are really killing me. Add that to the fact that my 14 year old wants nothing to do with her dad and well...I feel horrible. I guess I'll continue to wait it out for awhile anyway and see if he grows up and grows out of his selfish ways and will go to counseling. If not I guess we are done and that's hard to admit. I lost my virginity to him and we were married young but we have been *obviously until recently I thought* best friends.

Thanks for the words though...they really do mean alot. This was just a hard week to get through and Christmas is going to be extremely tough...I hope I am strong enough as a mom and woman to get us through it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
First off welcome do the site and you have come to the right place. Your not alone many of us have similar stories to yours and believe it or not are just as devastated if not more so. Your are on the right track, you have every one in or heading for counseling and that is a very good thing. As far as he goes he is his own problem or his parents if they want to make theirs. As far as reconciliation goes my question to you would be, why? A lot of damage has already been done and I can't help but wonder why you would want to take the risk. Do you really want to give him that chance to do this to you again. In a perfect world you could work this out and if there is a chance then I would be the first to say go for it. You and your kids are the ones that are taking all the risk and he has nothing to lose as he has already laid all his cards on the table. If you do want to get back together you will need marriage counseling but before you can do that he needs to get his act together and make his mind up what he wants. Until he can do that and get some serious therapy you have no hope of making this work. One more thing you daughter has every right to feel the way she does she needs some time.
deleted_user
deleted_user
This is where I am most talkative. let me say 1st that I have no kids and your situation is not mine. I trend to take the platform of the feminist (without the sleepig with other women thing they tend to do. I belive in girlpower; and girl you need the power.

You need to start thinking of yourself and your life as minus one. He was honest when he told you he was not in love with you and we wanted out of the marriage. Because he has been married to you for years and has kids with you he has sympathy for you and understands how this must hurt for you. It sounds that he tried to get out of hurting you but chose to be forthcoming and tell you the truth. Take that truth because it's real; whether he hugs you or not he wants his freedom.

What you have to do for yourself and those kids is to pick up your jaw off the floor and show them how you move on. I know it sounds far fetched because you're still in shock. But you will benefit everyone if you start to look at this realisticly. I can tell you this because I'm on the outside. You were pretty descriptive and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Your children are looking to you for support and guidance. How can you guide them if you curl up and die? You can't. I understand that your daughter hates him...who wouldn't? Explain to the kids that he's still dad and still loves them. If he didn't love them he would have simply walked away and he wouldn't dare take care of the finances the way he is. No one wants to hear what you heard. You sare about to go through a LOT. Lean on us, that's why we're here. You may not think you need us now because you still have hope that your marriage will work but once reality becomes clearer to you...we'll be right here.

((hugs))
deleted_user
deleted_user
What JacJac says about "taking the truth", cuz it is real, is so right on, but I know (from personal experience) it can be so difficult. But you have to deal with it. And you will. And you can see lots of people are here to help you thru.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yes, as if a divorce isn't bad enough the "out of the blue" stuff is overwhelming when it first happens. You are in the right place. Hang around and you will get ideas on how to cope, what steps to talk and so forth.

You are not alone anymore, welcome.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank you all! I am so devestated and with Thanksgiving it really hit home today. He is taking my boys tomorrow for the weekend and I'm devastated once again though my daughter wants nothing to do with him. I don't blame her. I wish he'd do couseling with me so that we could get to the "root" of the issue but for now he blames me for it all...even went as far as blaming ME for being weak and staying with someone I "knew" *which I didn't was having an affair. He's got me all over the emotional rollercoaster and I don't know which way to turn. It's still so raw I'd like him back but the longer it goes on the more I wonder why.............It's nice to be here. I'm still trying to learn the "ropes" here so if I don't respond don't take it personally.........it's still new to me! Anyway thank you all for your words of comfort, wisdom and help! It is so appreciated!!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Looks like he's saying he lost respect for you because you didn't show respect for yourself. I don't think he needs couseling. ?That's for people who wish to work it out. he has been clear that he doesn't want that. The more you try to work it out the less he is going to respect you. So in actuality the more you try to work it out the less he wants to. The way to gain his respect is to basically (I'm sorry to say) get a life. Once you make your life less about him, the more he will notice and the more attractive you will be to him. But, would you still want someone who obviously does not want you? That's your question.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I know you are feeling afraid and confused. But just hang in there--go to counseling and concentrate on your kids and yourself. The old adage "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink" sounds like it fits your husbands attitude. But that doesn't mean that you and your children have to die of thirst. Move forward...get help...and believe. I will say a prayer for you and your children
deleted_user
deleted_user
I love "osa"s reply... you take care of you and your kids first... he doesn't matter now since he chose to take himself out of the picture... Nothing else should be the focus of your time and energy but taking care of yourself and those kids... if he wants to be with you, then he should make the steps to change the situation... don't believe for one minute that you are to blame... sending you extra hugs...
deleted_user
deleted_user
just take a deep breath, no decisions have to be made right now, he is taking care of you financially right now. and your in counseling and the kids will start soon. try to stay in the moment and not think to far ahead. one step at a time.
LisaACOA
LisaACOA
If you get a chance read my journsal entry. It is alittle painful but, it helped me. I hope it will help you too.
It is titled, "LET IT GO"
by T.D. Jakes.

If you need to talk send me a message.

Your friend,

Lisa
abusehurts
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