We were married for 23 years and knew each other for 25 years. I still want to be his forever friend, but just this weekend he came by and stated that he was "moving on" and wanted a formal separation that would lead to divorce. He has been living outside the home for 18 months. He will be 59 this year and is planning to relocate. I have zads of financial anxieties, but I know I can get the help I need for that. It is connection that I feel still living inside me for him. I go thru periods when I am angry, and when I don't think about him alot, but I feel I will never lose this sense of primal unity at our centers. All I have to do is think of the past, and he is right next to me, present all ways except physical. I had no idea that divorce could be so gut-wrenching. I haven't met another person like me that so strongly believes i this connection, and who tries over and over to reach out and raise it again in his heart. I understand he has found a different life, a different love, and I no longer blame him, but I am in pieces missing us. I think my intense feeling has been one of the causes he has stayed away, but for me my love is such an overwhelmingly obvious fact that I can't submerge it when I see him. I am not adverse to finding another, but I simply don't want my ex to leave my life. This started in 2005 and initially we did try counseling etc. But more and more he turned away from us. This summer he said he still thought of me as his life partner. But this weekend he said we had always had a "sh----" marriage and he needed to move on. His gf's ex got married over New Years and that obviously put alot of pressure on ending us as completely as possible. I feel like I am losing my family, my rootedness to the world, an enormous part of my sense of being. I do have friends, and they are helping, but I don't want him to leave. I don't and I have learned that it is unacceptable to have such feelings. Is there anyone out there struggling so long like me, and still feeling so connected that they hesitate to talk with others about it. For me, this is more like someone dying. When I talk to widows I find it easier to connect than when I talk to women who have lost their spouse to another. I cannot imagine ever not loving him. I don't feel this is a choice, but a gut based assurance -- my love will never die. What am I to do. What have others done.
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