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Help!!! Abusive ex wife

deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi all,

I am currently going through a horrible experience. I have been divorced for 2 years and my ex-wife is still being abusive. Everyime we have to negotiate of getting access to our son, she is abusive beyond reason. She says things like "I Own you", "I wish you were dead", "I screwed seven other guys when we were married", "fuck you" etc...

I really love my son and want to spend time with him but the pain of dealing with my X is massive. I have depression and anxiety. I had a breakdown when we split and ended up in hospital, she knows I am unstable emotionaly and I feel she is deliberately trying to affect my depression.

It's coming to a point that not seeing my son is less painful than dealing with my X as it is now affecting me so deeply that I am becoming more and more ill.

I have such a deep wound, I'm not sure I'll ever heal. I have so much pain, anger and sadness deep within me. I feel like its eating me alive.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Help me. Please!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Maybe you could get a court appointed mediator to be present when you drop off/pick up???
deleted_user
deleted_user
dont know where you are at, but here in toledo, oh we have whats called CRC, or childs rights counsil. it is a place to drop off the kids, and leave, then 15 minutes later, the other parent picks them up. you also may hand in notes to the person in charge that are copied and kept in record, about the kids. and if the notes get out of hand, they will give a note to the both of you. contact your lawyer or court official and see what is in your area.
deleted_user
deleted_user
fuck that bitch... man fuck all bitches like that. that shits uncalled for.. she doesnt say that in front of your son does she??
deleted_user
deleted_user
Wow, Im so sorry for what you are going through. Was there a custody agreement in the divorce? You may have to go back to court to get this resolved but don't give up wanting to see your son. Try and be a roll model for him because it sounds like he is going to need one. Hang in there.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Its not the direct contact it's by phone and text. I can't go near her. I pick up my son from school and drop him off there. If I have to change plans for access which is rare, negotiating with her is pointless. I have helped her out by having our son when she is unable to but there is nothing coming back from her. It's making me Ill. I don't have anyone else to negotiate or talk to her about it. My parents only want to deal with her to get their access, they don't want to get involved in case they lose access to our son.

She won't go to mediation to sort this out. I can't reveal to her how much pain this is causing me as it will confirm to her that her actions are having the desired effect.

I feel untterly helpless and alone in this.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Fulk...if she starts that shit when you are talking to her on the phone, hang up. I would also recommend pick ups & drop offs at your local police dept. Might save you a lot of headaches. Good luck to you!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm in the UK not the US. I really don't want to go back to court to sort this out. I just want her to back off with the comments and be more reasonable when negotiating access. She doesn't say these things in front of our son. She's an OK mum but a terrible ex. I really don't want to lose access. She has primary care rights and I see our son alternate weekends and one day in the week. I have him for four or more weeks holiday. I have ceased all contact with her at the momment until I can heal a bit more. I'm gonna try again next week and see what response I get. I don't want to snap but if this abuse continues I know I will at some point. I really don't want this to happen.

I'm beginning to think my mental health is more important than dealing with the ex. I feel torn between the love i have for my son and the need to protect myself from her. It's really shit
deleted_user
deleted_user
I like the Police station idea but I just don't think it will work. She'll just reduce access to our son and continue with the abuse. She's 30 something an acting like a fucking teenager. Our son is 10, I have 8 more years of this until he's an adult and I can deal with him directly. 8 more years, what an awfull prospect.

Thanks all. It's really helpful being able to let it all out and not burn my friends with it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think my response is going to be kinda sharp, and for that I apologize in advance.

Look, I understand that you're hurting. But pull it the hell together. I read several excuses here about why you don't want to do something. You don't want to take the abuse, but you don't want to try other avenues to resolve the issue. You aren't holding to your boundaries to protect yourself... and who gets hurt as a result? Your son.

Sir, I would run through a burning building to save my child. I would die to save him. And you're saying you aren't willing to take every reasonable course of action possible to ensure your son gets to be with you?

Wow. Just Wow.
Mozart
Mozart
We all know she's very bitter, sour, and angry.
She's still the Mother of your child, and your child sees and hears "everything".

Try to meet at a location, and ignore all her foul mouth, and just smile and walk away.
You child will remember your kindness, and respect you more at the end.

Pray that things will change for better, and it will.

God Bless,
deleted_user
deleted_user
I understand what your'e saying. I would do the same for my son, but he's not in a burning building. As far as boundaries are concerned. I'm not sure I have much choice, I need to maintain contact with her to arrange access to my son. How do you negotiate with someone who doesn't negotiate. How do you get someone to stop crossing boundaries when they don't give a shit about the consquences of their actions. I'm ill. not selfish. I came here to talk and try and work things out. How is "Wow" helping? I've been trying for more than two years now. The prospect of atleast another eight is just apalling. I am trying reasonable actions. If I try court it will get worse.

You know what? I'm going out to buy a punch bag tomorrow and get it out on that. Better than beating myself up. Depression is such a killer. It disables your ability to cope, saps your strength and makes you hate yourself for no reason.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Fulkram, I really feel for you. You are definately trying. But she obviously knows how to push your buttons.
My stbx is a big jerk! So we only now communicate via email, and I am keeping that to as min as possible because he is really being an ass.
Maybe the court could appoint a go between. I have heard that that is an option in many states. ( I dont know which ones)
Part of overcoming depression is allowing yourself to stand up for yourself.
You are in my prayers! You are trying so hard, the answer will come to you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I missed a whole post there, sorry. You don't have to accept her, it is hard, very hard but really take what ever she says as what it is. CRAP and hers, not yours. I think if you show no reaction for long enough, she will stop. Human nature.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My kids are 10 and 7 and my X has made it impossible to see them without taking her to court. I cannot afford this and have just resigned myself to holding them in my heart and waiting until we can be reunited in the future.
Hold onto this - "First our children love us, then they judge us and sometimes they forgive us"
deleted_user
deleted_user
Ok, I have to be honest here. You say that you're begining to feel your mental health is more important than dealing with her. You're dealing with her in order to spend time with your son. It almost seems instead of refusing to deal with her you're refusing to deal with your son. I've seen so many men stop seeing their kids because they don't want to deal with the mom. If all she's doing is emailing and texting, what's your problem? You don't have to answer either. It seems you really don't have to deal with her at all. The reason I know this is where you're headed is because you don't want to go to court again. Do you know how many kids wish they had their dad's in their lives? When your son is old enough will he understand that you didn't want to deal with his mom?
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