Maybe I shouldn't give him the pleasure of answering at all. He's just pissed that I didn't answer all his calls I bet. But calling me by my maiden name really hurt!

*hug* Dont beat yourself up over responding. Its too hard not to sometimes. I'm still doing that. In fact, sometimes I pick fights with him via email too.. *sigh* I guess at some point you have to stop being baited, Im just not sure I've gotten there yet either. Hopefully it'll get easier over time, right? lol God i hope so..

Tell him how the kids are and don't acknowledge the rest. He isn't worth it. You now have the ability to find someone who can treat you better than he ever did. You control your life now, not him. Don't give him that power again. He can think what he wants, it doesn't matter. He's trying to get a reaction from you, he wants to know that you're still pining for him and hurting. Don't give him the satisfaction.

I agree about not acknowledging the rest of his message stick to the kids...But you don't need to tell him "the kids will come around" after everything he has put you through you should not have to reassure him!
How about saying something like. Yes the kids are still very angry with you but if you stop trying to reach out to them you will just be confirming to them that you do not care/they don't matter/you will continue to hurt them. Don't let him get off so easy.

I agree with timeforchange. Let him know that giving up on contacting the children will only confirm to them that he doesn't care and would hurt them all over again. If he wants a relationship with his children, he has to be the adult and keep reaching out to them until they reach back.

Thanks guys, that sounds good. I thought about not answering him at all, because that's what seems to get him. I emailed him on Friday and told him how the kids are doing. I just noticed that he changed my name on his email since Friday, because the email he sent me on Friday apologizing didn't say my maiden name. WTF? I guess he's mad that I didn't answer his 20 phone calls last week.

What did I do so wrong to this man to deserve this treatment? I opened my home back up to him, received him with open arms no questions asked, and he's the one that walked again. So, why do I deserve this crap anymore? I wish someone would knock him upside his damn head!

I am going to lose my mind over this man.

Jodi, I know this is going to be a bitter pill to swallow, but I am going to say it anyway. You have to let this man go for your own sanity and peace of mind. He has moved on and you have to as well.

My stbx is the same way with the calls and emails. To him he has done nothing wrong and simply wants to keep the lines of communication open for the sake of his kids. He has offered to help me find a job and even help fund my move when I leave the area next summer. I have learned to respond to him when I feel comfortable and not allow his amiable yet callous behavior upset me. He is moving on and I must do the same thing, otherwise I will drive myself insane.

Only communictae with your stbx when you have to and only about subjects that concern your kids or finances. Him commenting about your friend seemed more like a fishing expedition than any real concern. Trust me when I say I have been there. In time you will know what is sincere and what is not.

Hang in there. We all understand what you are going through and are here to support you through it.

Jodi,
Don't lose your mind, lose him.

Have you gone back to your maiden name? If not are you considering? You could add the comment "How did you know that I have started the paper work to restore my name? Justen wants to change his too and I was going to check in to legally changing all of the kids. You wouldn't have a problem with that would you?"

Ok maybe I am going overboard but Geeez.

You won't lose your mind. I think you are going through the same thing I have been. Getting hurt out of habit. The stbx does something and I feel hurt out of habit, because all this time he was my husband and that's what happens when you're husband hurts you.

Think about that. When he starts to get to you, ask yourself...Is what I'm feeling real for the here and now, or is it the habit of being his wife?

The man obviously wants to keep you hanging on as a back up plan. Don't do it.

Don't worry my stbx only fills out my child support checks with my maiden name. Can you stand it!! I have to write in my married name because the bank won't cash it because it doesn't match my license. I go through this every week. I find it so stupid. Well hand in there glad you children are doing so well.

My last ex did the same thing with changing my last name to by maiden name in all of our communication, even though I kept his name in order to be the same as our kids.

As for the reply, I would stick to facts not emotions. I know it is hard but you will win in the end. And only respond to his questions about the kids. You life is your life now and he does not need an explination. From his message he is wanting to get a rise from you. Like the school house bully, if they can no longer get a response, they will stop trying.

One thing I have done is write the your are a son-of-a-***** letter and saved it in a word document. Then would write a nice email back dealing with the facts about the kids after I was able to vent--even if it was just to myself. There is something theraputic about the sound of madly typing that angry letter.

HI Im going through almost the same thing and what ive learned is I dont offer any info on the kids I leave it up to them and when they are not ready to do so themselves well then they will give info until then you absorb the wonderful things they are acheiving. that sucks for there father. i have tried over and over again to get there father to understand how hurt they are and its up to them to get it back on track. Let them(the kids ) give there info. the other stuff like autumn and spring break is god enough........ oh my gosh am i just a little bitter lol

Thanks everyone for getting me thru tonight. The maiden name thing really hit hard. That was a very low blow. I wonder if he just lays in bed at night and thinks of what he can do to me next. Why, I have no idea.....

I've decided not to respond at all. I would love to cuss him out, but it's just adding fuel to the fire. I know he wants to get a rise out of me, since he couldn't with his 20 phone calls. He's used to me jumping for the phone everytime he calls....

My mom said he's lashing out at whatever he can find now because I'm not letting him get to me anymore. Of course he is, but he doesn't know since I'm no longer responding or begging. I wish I could understand why he wants to hurt me so bad? Why can't we just get along? I guess we could have since he sent me an email Fri apologizing, but since I wouldn't answer his calls, he turned back into his other personality and is evil again. WTF? If I would have answered and told him it's okay Johnny, then he'd be nice to me?

My dad on the other hand told me I should email him back and say, "You know what John, you've turned out to be just like your dad, so why don't you leave us alone and just forget about us just like your dad did to you." (Now that would be a low blow since he hates his father. He always said he'd never treat his kids the way his dad did him). I told my dad, "But, I still want my kids to have a father dad." He said, "Jodi, he's never going to be a father to those kids."

He's right. It's so sad that someone can do this to people that loved them with all their heart and did nothing but good for them. He has Charlotte now, so why does he continue to torture me? Because I'm not sending him emails begging him to come back anymore, and I'm not responding to his? He's happy with her and said everything is going great, so why does he continue to talk about things to me besides the kids? His emails should be: How are the kids doing? and that's it! Nothing more. Why can't he just leave me alone, enjoy Charlotte, and let me wallow in my self pity or whatever I'm doing. What does it matter to him!

I know that he brought up Autman because he thinks I'm having him check up on him all the time and let me know what's going on. That's the farthest from the truth. Autman and I talk about God, not about what Johnny is doing. I would never put him in that type of position. His wife and him are both good Christian friends of mine and have been for years. I'd like to knock Johnny off his high horse of thinking everything in the world revolves around him; even my friends! Of course, I am going to ask Autman why the heck they were even talking about me. That should have never came up.

Timeforachange - Your right, I should tell him I'm changing mine and the kids names. It's funny you said that because right before that my oldest (who has always hated him - she's not his) said, "Mom, maybe you should email him back and say - wow, how did you know I was thinking about changing my name back?" That's funny.

I did think about changing my name but my oldest has a different last name, then my two little ones have his last name along with me. If I change mine, we'll have 3 last names in the family. I just didn't want to make it worse for the kids.

Well everyone, thanks for listening to me babble and vent. I appreciate it so much. I just wish I could understand what makes people turn so evil to people that loved them.

Jodi good fo you! Fight back. I don't know why they have to be so mean, maybe your ex should get in touch with my stbx and they can be a pair of bookends?