i'm actually in a good place right now... i'm doing an alright job of stopping negative 'what if' thoughts. i'm choosing faith in what we had and self-respect. hey, i'm a catch and she knows it... she tells me i'm spectacular and that she really likes me and that i'm the only one she knows who responds to her with compassion... and i'm remembering her reassuring words, 'i'm not attracted to her' 'she's not important to me' 'i don't know if she is going to be a friend or what'.

anyway, mostly i'm just choosing to focus on my day, my interests, my life, making new friends, getting support, enjoying my kitties, remembering i have a full life... i have my asl studies, my b/w photography, a party to go to after thanksgiving, new people that i'm meeting...

and also, just remembering the painful things i don't have to deal with anymore... differences in our needs between us that too often conflicted... remembering i've been asking for space for a long time... my regret is my harsh reaction that wasn't called for... and i also know that that was the best i could do then. i didn't know what i know now about myself... clearly i had to go thru this to learn how to separate my anger towards my father from anyone in the present...

and frankly, let her go start something with that person... someone told me that person takes things personally a lot... lol. so does my g/f. maybe some of her own sh*t back at her is a good thang... from what i do know of that person, if she wants her over me, then i didn't know my g/f like i'd thought... she can have her...

she may be coming over today... (her stuff is here still.) i'm ready to be pleasant, confidant, strong, smiles, helpful, kind... i do believe part of human nature is wanting what they don't have... so i do think it's important just in terms of human dynamics, that the sooner i really let her go, accept it's over, find peace within me, and stop asking, begging, for a reconciliation, the sooner she'll come my way... and you know what's interesting, i noticed a part of me actually feel uncomfortable with the idea of us reuniting any time soon... she wants to see behavior changes in me... turns out, i want to/need to see behavior changes in her too... so, truth be told... i'm not ready to get back together either.

of course, as i reread this, my insecure thoughts start trying to get me... u had a good thing, she wasn't having any affair of any kind, u f#cked up, she's with that woman, blah blah blah... aaargh! i don't know how to interpret a lot of what she says... is she saying i'm spectacular as a simple objective straight-forward statement or is she saying it as a way of saying, that's how special and important you are in my heart, still... she has a way of using words in ways that mean a lot more to me than they do to her... so... yuck...!

nope nope nope. stop stop stop.

happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts...