I wrote this as a response to a message and I think it forced me to think and when I re read it to myself, I realized that I have grown since just a couple of weeks ago...

It is very confusing to do what you honestly want to do deep down because you are branded as selfish. In my case, I did try and work on fixing the marriage 6 years ago but we never really dealt with the problems, we just worked on doing the things I had wanted us to do. He didn't want to go to counseling (he is going to counseling for himself now). I do not have the energy or desire do try again. I have the energy and desire to work on myself (go to different counselor than his). I learned that I stayed in an unhappy situation because I learned it from my parents. I love my son (9) but I also learned from my older 2 boys that their "dad" (he raised them since 3 & 5) that claims to love them lays guilt trips on them when they confront him on telling the truth or doing what he said he would do. I realized that he would eventually do the same to our younger son and that I will have taught them to play it safe and stay regardless of how unloved you feel.

So, what am I going to do.... I'm working on freeing myself from the obligation or guilt that I didn't need to carry for all these years and rather than allow fear of the unknown, I will use the fear to allow myself to break out of this life I have been happy to live in. It's like a bag that has kept me safe, the bag now is getting tighter and will suffocate what life I have, I will evenutally die altogether. I will now use the fear to break out, slowly as it may, I will be free... will it be easy, no, I will have new struggles but I will have learned how to be me.