its been about a month now since I joined and I don't know how I feel. What I know is that I have started drinking when I never used to, I hate my CS and my anger is just simmering beneath the surface. He refuses to leave, says he wants to fix things but never actually talks to me about the situation. He has NEVER apologised or even confessed to his numerous infidelities. I am tired. I do not want to be the 'fixer' anymore, I just want him to go and leave me alone. I am so scared because sometimes in the middle of the night, I allow myself to fantasize about being violent towards him. I am scared to express my anger and hurt to him in case I never stop. I am not me anymore and I just want to get past this but HOW???? He cheated on me countless times, in fact over our 6 year marriage, there has never been a time when he was faithful - I just had to go looking and I would find something. It was never with one person, always at least 3 girls he is promising the earth to. Every time I have tried to leave he gets all depressed, tries to kill himself, swears we can work on it, finds reason for us to 'share the blame' I AM SICK OF IT. he is a lying cheating scumbag. I hate his guts. I want him to go and die. but, and this is the sad pathetic part - I love him. I love him for the 3 or 4 good things he is, I love him for the 2 children we have together, aargh!!!! I loathe him and love him at the same time. So I don't know what my question is exactly, guess I just needed to vent.
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