I think to me it means what you wanted out of the marriage. In divorce I think it means what you want in your future. Your needs, feeling of being loved, nutured, treated with respect, sex, financial.

All I ever needed was to be respected and made to feel loved by my spouse. But he was always very selfish w/ his affection and I felt I needed to beg for it. Now that he is laying it on so thick, it feels fake and I think it's just a show. People get conditioned a certain way and I've been made to feel like I'm not as important to him as I need to be. It's hard to come back from that after many years of feeling that way. I wanted to be the person he would always do anything for (as he was that person to me). Now that our daughter is born, I want her to be the person he would do anything for, but his selfishness extends to her as well. Not good, and I dont think I'm asking too much.

I wish our schools would teach us how to live the REAL life. Communication is so different between men and women. Most of us don't know how to listen to the other. We haven't learned how to, and we didn't have role models to learn from.

+1

The big problem is that people don't stop to ask themselves, what are my needs?

You can't ask for what you don't know you need, and while it seems like it should be obviouse it isn't always. One persons idea of what love and care should look like don't necessarily match someone elses.

If you need for your SO to offer to help with dinner because that's how love looks to you, then you have to tell them that. If you spend each day saying, I wish hubby would offer to watch the kids for an afternoon so I can have a break, then you have to tell them that.

The flip side is when the person won't tell YOU what THEY need. Not everyone is comfortable doing that, so you have to ask them. "Tell me how you would finish this sentence...I wish he/her would have offered to...." When communication skills aren't good, these kinds of things can take practice.

Never assume you can read each other's mind, that you know what love looks like to the other person and that if your SO wanted something they will ask for it.

But that's just my 2cents worth.

I think everyone's "needs" vary to some degree. But, I do tend to agree with a friend of mine on here regarding a book that discusses two core issues between men and women. That is women need to feel loved and men need to feel respected. Now, there are many other things that could extend to, as JudM points out. But, I think a lot of it boils down to those two things. I know for me, I felt taken for granted (i.e. no respect). So, that built up resentment toward my stbx over time and led to me witholding feelings of love toward her. It's just a downward spiral from there. If you didn't see it coming, either she hid it really well, she was too immature to express herself, or you just weren't in tune with her emotionally.

Gaelyn--can you send that message to my stbx. he's in the last paragraph...

I'm learning from this that my biggest need is communication. My stbx says his therapist thinks he doesn't believe in it and that he needs to decide if he's willing to communicate in a relationship. He let his resentments build up, expected me to read his mind (about things large and small) and told himself that I was selfish if I didn't. Since he never said much, his wanting to the end the relationship has been a total shock. So yeah, for me, communication is my biggest relationship need. Now I'm starting to wonder if men are capable of that--or if I'll find one of the ones who is (if my stbx doesn't decide he wants it with me).

"We all are out there trying to get our needs met" is a quote from a mediation specialist that happens to be a friend. Everything we do is designed to meet a need, ex. we work to earn money, to meet physical needs. We act or react emotionally in order to get the response we need, to meet our needs of love, respect etc. The problem is as stated many times here, men and women communicate differently. In order to meet your partner's needs, you need to learn to speak their language. If you are an "Acts of Service" person, in order to feel loved you need your partner to do things for you like wash your car, keep the house neat, bring you breakfast in bed etc. If that isn't your "Love Language", you might not see that in your partner. I suggest reading the Five Love Languages or Language of Love.

Another good book to read is "His Needs, Her Needs". This helped me to identify what my top emotional needs were and to identify what my ex-wifes top needs were as well.

Good luck.

I always knew but didn't realize how much it is a part of who I am until now...but...Belonging with someone and connecting with them is my biggest need

When I had this with my husband...everything else about life was easier to navigate!