Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Forgiveness

deleted_user
deleted_user
Thinking about how much time I am spending today being sad and reminding myself of some of the more recent hurtful and unkind things he has done or said and also trying to guess at how much OW was involved in adn behind some of those recent acts of unkindness. Stbx is such a foolish man. Always has been. A foolish addict. I watched most of a movie yesterday called "Longford" about a British earl who advocated for prisoners, one in particular that really screwed him over and made him negatively famous for quite awhile. Leaving aside some of his more disagreeable politics, one way to focus on the movie was to look at how he was able to spend his life pursuing a path of "forgive the sinner and hate the sin" -- I don't think I'll ever be that good! But I am wondering if forgiving stbx and OW would be helpful to me. I don't know how to do it, of course, but I would like to forgive the sinner but still get to hate the sin. As close to forgiving them as I can get is to think of them as pathtic sick creatures who are blessedly far away from me now. But then I start wishing them the same paion they ahve caused me and that is not very nice of me. I will think about forgiveness today.
deleted_user
deleted_user
The forgiveness has been the hardest part for me. I know I need to but find it very difficult to. I can forgive myself for the pain I have caused, but just don't see it happening anytime some for the EX. One day, maybe? Now, no!
deleted_user
deleted_user
My ex was big into drugs, lying and cheating. When I told him that I wanted a divorce he told me that I was not a Christian - becasue if I was I would be able to forgive him for what he had done and move on with our life together. Well - trust played a huge part in this - I am a big believer that once the trust is gone you can not move forward from that - and that is exactly what happened in my marriage.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness. I am able to see a POV other than mine. Forgiveness doesn't mean accepting what happened. Forgiveness means I can move on. I'm not 100% on the forgiveness kick but I can't harbor the ill will and feelings inside of me. Either I can harp on it and hold it inside of me or I can let him go and wish him well. If he were here forgiveness would be the hardes thing to do. I had to let him go in order to forgive him.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I don't know that I will ever forgive my stbx...can't blame the OW because even if she came on to him, he still made the choice to stray. I cried today, asked stbx to hold me and he did...i cried even harder for a short while and then somehow felt a bit better. I think I have realized that I cannot live with him after the holidays are over, because it is just so hard!!!! I need to find MY peace, for my sanity!!!!! You don't have to forgive him right now, or ever if you don't want to...forgive yourself though so that you can heal and move on.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You seem to be such a good person. I think that it is important to note all of the energy that you are spending on her and him. They may not have even given you another thought. That is truly unfair. I say, "Forgive them and forget them." They aren't worthy of anymore of your time. It is likely that he will realize at a later time that he had something "real" with you and that his fascination with the OW was simply passion. Forgiving him and her will help you be strong if ever he comes back and wants to pick up where he let you down. Move on - you are amazing and an inspirationg to me too. I have read a lot of discussion and very few of them focus on letting go and forgiving.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Remember forgiveness is NOT FOR THE PERSON. It's for YOU. It's a letting go of the power that you give stbx/OW for the things they have done to you. It is a release from the guilt, shame, condemnation and worry that will eat you alive if you let it. It is giving up blaming, complaining and living in the past. Not being able to forgive is like being slowly poisoned without knowing it. It does not hurt your stbx at all that you are hurting and not forgiving him.

That is when true healing begins because you have let go and are free of all the "things" ex can/will do to you.

I have forgiven my stbx. Does it still hurt - HECK YEA but I don't have the same hatred toward him that I did. I don't like some of the stuff that he does and I may say I hate him but I really don't.

I have released myself from the responsibility of worrying about what he is doing every waking minute of the day.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Anne have you read any books by Patric Carnes? He will help you get that perspective. As far as forgiveness. I agree forgive the sinner and hate the sin. I'm not at that point. I'm praying for God to grant me peace, to take control of my life and my future, and to control My ANGER! There is at time for forgiveness but the pain must run it's course. My 2cents for what it's worth.
Loved1
Loved1
Unconditional love and forgiveness is my goal.
Loved1
Loved1
I posted this today in another group...

Forgiveness makes me a better person. It feels good. I have to be willing to let God forgive the person through me if this seems too hard. I acknowlege the harm and that I didn't get what I wanted from the person and cancel my expectations of them to be any certain way. I feel God's unconditional love for me and forward it to the person. I set them free to their own highest good.

I also need to forgive myself for putting MYSELF through that situation. It's like I kept staying and going back and hitting new lows KNOWING what he is capable of. I have to forgive my self. I have to let it go. It feels good. Unconditional love and forgiveness is my goal. It doesn't require involvement of the other person. It just makes me healthier. I have some work to do with this.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My stbx is still inflicting the pain every time she calls. Nasty, negative hateful criticism. I forgive her right now by hanging up. She has no idea that I cannot be treated that way anymore. This is a strong reminder of why divorce is my best option. Always will have a little part of me that cares but right now it is soooooooooo hard.
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