Hi svs1969,

I can understand your frustration. Personally I would love to change my name immediately. My husband hurt me very badly, and I don't relish the idea of keeping his name. But I have decided to keep it at least while my daughter is young, to make it easier for her. My divorce petition says that I can change my name when I want to, and I am sure I will in the future, but for now I want things to be easy on my daughter.

As for the child support...I can understand that, if you are your stbx are splitting the child care responsibility 50/50, and you each have the children for equal amounts of time, paying child support might be frustrating because it may feel like you are carrying more than 50% of the financial burden for those children. If the child support comes out to be more than 50% of the care of the children then I would have a problem with that. Have you spoken with your attorney about it?

Remember, though, that no matter what happens your children are not the cause of the divorce and they should not suffer for it. They should be given the best care that each parent can provide, and they will need all the love you can give.

Best of luck.

Hmmm, never thought about the name thing. Good point but if you have kids it is probably better and easier for them if she keeps your name. Although If she remarries she would change it so I guess it really doesn't matter.

Child support - in my state, even with 50/50 custody, if there is a great difference in salaries, the spouse making more $ will have to pay the other spouse something. I think this is to equalize the standard of living for the kids.I guess they are trying to avoid a situation where Daddy lives in a mini-mansion and Mom lives in a slum.

DID she have the same opportunity as you to make a living? Was she a stay at home mom? That will set you back years in terms of salary and job opportunities. I know, I have an MBA, worked 10 yrs, stayed home 9 yrs and am having a heck of a time getting back in the workforce. Unfortunately, child-rearing is not considered a career enhancing move.

Even if she did work, usually women with children don't climb the ladder of success as easily. Most moms aren't going to work 50-60 hours a week like my STBX did. I 'enabled' him to be as successful as he is by being the one who took on 80% of the child-rearing responsibility. Even though we started out in the same career field with the same level of education, I will NEVER make as much as he will. Just food for thought.

I can see both of your points but I still contend that she cheated and wants a divorce. Why should she keep a name that is very important to me. I understand the human legal system, I'm talking about what is morally correct about the finances. I will make 15 to 25 thousand more pure year but now we will both have the same responsibilities as head of household and main caregiver when the kids are with us. So why penalize me for being more successful without a college decree (she has one). She could change fields to make more $$$$

svs, She probably could change fields and make more, but that doesn't matter. If she is working the same job that she was when you were married that's what counts. Also, the children are entitled to live in the same lifstyle that they have grown up in. If she can't afford that, well then you will pay more. You're looking at the child support as if it is alimony. It's not, it's for YOUR kids. Do you want them to live one week in your "nice home" and then the next week in mommy's "all she can afford home"? Think about it. What would your kids think of you if you allowed them to live that way. Unless you really don't care about your kids, but since its a 50/50 I think you do! Don't punish your kids when you're angry at her! And No I don't think she should keep your name. She should go back to her maiden name.

CL- I will have to disagree with you, most divorces I have been around Alimony/Child Support are the SAME! What goes to the kids food, clothes, peticure, manicure, taning, dinner out with friends. It is impossible to tell where the money goes.

And where is the moral justice?

Moral justice? For that you will have to wait patiently for karma to bite her in the butt. Unfortunately, the legal system and moral justice are two very different animals. If there is ever a point where yo feel your child support payments are being grossly misdirected, you have the right to go back to the courts (my friend did that and his ex got into serious trouble).

You are going to have to make peace with the fact that child support payments will have to be made. Just keep reminding yourself that it is for the kids, and hopefully with time and htat thought, the sting will lessen.

I think you need to speak to a mediator or a lawyer so your clear on all the options and what it will cost you. The system isn't fair, but it's what both our country's have in place.

Beware of lawyers because once they smell blood they want to fight and fighting cost money.

Take care I know it sucks, but there aint nothing we can do about that...

With a 50/50 split - that pertains to debts and assets and in your case custody.

Most states have a formula that they use that comes up with a figure for child support based on how much both parents make and how many children there are. This formula is adjusted to take into account how much time the kids spend with each parent.

If your wife makes less $$$ than you - you will likely have to pay her child support.

Do I think this is fair? No. I think it is sad that the person wanting out (i.e. tearing up the family) is entitled to as much assets, etc. as the person putting effort to save marriage. I also think it is sad that some spouses walk out of a marriage and take their kids with them and leave the other parent without their children - VERY SAD!

I guess the child support depends on the state you live in. In my state, when the custody is joint and the child/children spend the same amount of time with each parent then no child support is exchanged. This is how one of my friends worked it. She paid for her child when he was with her and he paid when he was with him. When it came to a big expense, it was split. As far as her name, since there are children involved I think she should keep your name until she remarries (if she ever does). When I divorced, my son had my maiden name since I was a single mother when I married. I took back my maiden name when I divorced for my son's sake.

SVS, I WISH the legal system was more fair in your situation! I really do! YOU are the one that did NOT cheat, nor are you the one who wants out! It's too bad that the legal systems doesnt take these things into account! What was once designed to help people out in cases of infidelity and abuse has no turned into a free for all, and the one that seems to pay are the innocent! (Not that we dont all have faults.) I hope things work out for you in the long run. She make think she will get off scott free, but she isnt! One way or another this will come back!

I think it is your wifes responsibility to make a fine home for your children. Think of it this way, if the wife is spending the money you send her for support on something that has nothing to do with the child are you responsible to keep sending her more just to even things out? Im with you, my wife has a higher degree than I do and far more contacts in her chosen field. If she wanted to make more she would.

I DEFINITELY want my maiden name back (and will get it!). When I told stbx that, he was devastated. I think it's because he's in denial that we're even getting a divorce! His work doesn't even know! I like my maiden name much better, besides there are too many bad memories connected to my married name--YUCK!

I don't want my ex to keep my last name. she has besmirched it too much already. I want her to go back to her maiden name and ruin her family's name for a while. I want my last name to be associated with a LADY ~ not a slut!

In Illinois the noncustodial parent has to pay child support. When I talked to my lawyer I told her I didn't want or need his lousy money, she says the judge will make him pay anyway. As for the name, it is because of the kids?

I agree about the name. I can't wait to lose it. However, if we had gotten divorced when the children were younger, I would have kept it to make life easier for them.

About the child support. You say your stbx has equal opportunities to work as you do. But has that always been true? Did she stay home with the kids when they were little? If so, she has less work experience than you do and that hurts in the salary area. Also, was she the one who took off to take them to doctor appointments, go to school meetings and be a room mother, etc. If so, she also probably was not in a position to move up in her career. These are just things to think about. I know in my situation, I stayed home with children for 15 years. I am limited in the time I can work because of responsibilities I still have to meet for my kids. This past year I earned almost exactly the same amount I earned 20 years ago - the year I got married (at the end of December). What would I have been making if my career had not been interrupted? Probably about 5 times that amount. I also did not earn retirement 'credit' during all those years, so I am waaaayyyyy behind the game. Just some things to think about and see if any apply to your situation.