Well, I talked to my boyfriend tonight about splitting up. I wish I had taken everyone's advice and just been clear and to the point. I was honest, but I really dragged it out. I feel like I may have made things more difficult for both of us because of that. He was so caring and supportive. He said that it was important that I get what I need to heal. I know at this point what I need is time. My divorce hasn't even been officially filed yet. I also need perspective. And I need to know myself. I've been codependent for so long I don't know what my own wants are! (Here I go dragging it on here just like with him.) Anyway, my point is this: because he was acting with genuine concern and compassion, because he was so emotional and sad, I began to second-guess myself--even though my instincts are telling me we're not right for each other--even though I go back and forth between feeling affection for him and feeling uncomfortabe when he touches me. I told him those things too. I'm also feeling guilt for hurting him. I know on a logical level that I "can't be responsible for his feelings" but that's something that's really hard to rationalize emotionally. The part that's weighing on me the most is because I was so indecisive, I really couldn't bring myself to say, "Okay, this is the end." I left the door open for the possibility of us continuing after I've had the opportunity to be on my own for a while because I don't know how I'll feel when I've had time to grieve for my marriage. I told him that I don't expect him to wait for me. These statements are the truth, but again I feel guilty because I sense that maybe deep down I really said those things so that I wouldn't feel bad because he felt bad. Not only that, but I really set the pace for our relationship progressing and getting serious so quickly. I just feel lousy.
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