Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I've been married 19 (going on 20) years... I'm very unhappy with my marriage. I'm 42 and I really don't want to live out the rest of my life unhappy... I'm not sure I have a choice for the short term though...
So, let me get some of the excuses off the pile - I make good money, I home office, I do dishes, help around the house (except wash clothes), I carpool the kids to school, I'm in pretty good shape, I bathe every day (seems to be an issue for some men...), I work out, I have good teeth and an athletic body type, I'm smart, I only drink socially, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I'm a war Veteran, I'm sensitive (to a point), I like adventure, I'm above average in all aspects of my life - physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. I know this list sounds bad (self centered), but I also know some people might bring up one of these areas as a possible issue in the relationship, so I figured I'd address it up front...
Here's the biggest rub. There are other issues too, but this is the biggest IMO. My wife is a non entity in the bedroom. She like sex when we have it, as is evident by the multiple and very powerful orgasms; however, she doesn't want to have sex that often and she's very timid in the sack. If I'm not the one leading the way or suggesting something, it doesn't happen. That gets old too. I, on the other hand, have the libido of a 20-year old and it's become a real issue...
I know some women can't understand that SEX can be this big of an issue. Newsflash - sex is a physiological need - just like food, water, etc. See Maslow. Don't be naive if you think otherwise.
My wife is a school teacher, but she didn't want to teach anymore so she's now at home. My income gave her that luxury not to have to work.
Early on in our marriage, my wife liked to discuss issues. Now she just walks away.. I'm at the point of resignation. I pretty much don't care about my relationship with her anymore. I love my wife as a person and as the mother of my children, but I'm not "in love" with her anymore.. My focus is on my children and ensuring they're happy people.
I've told my wife over the course of the past year that I want a divorce. She wants to "work things out," when I'm so pissed I'm ready to walk out the door; however, she never follows through on anything... I also told her that if an opportunity to have sex outside the marriage presented itself, I'm not sure I would pass on it.... She didn't have anything to say. Nothing - as if she accepts it.. Oh well.... I've never cheated, but it's not out of the realm of possibilities now... I won't actively seek it out, but I don't see turning down sex if the situation arises.
I've told her that I don't want to move out and hurt my children at present... My dilemma is I don't want my kids to pay the bill for our bad marriage. In the same breath, I feel like I'm being held back.
If I cheated on her tomorrow, I would have zero guilt... I've given her the world and she's thrown it away. The worst part is she's not interesting in working at it..
We've never been to counseling.. She suggested it at one point, but again, never followed through on the research. I'm not convinced any type of counseling will change how I feel. I'm numb...
Any feedback is appreciated.
So, let me get some of the excuses off the pile - I make good money, I home office, I do dishes, help around the house (except wash clothes), I carpool the kids to school, I'm in pretty good shape, I bathe every day (seems to be an issue for some men...), I work out, I have good teeth and an athletic body type, I'm smart, I only drink socially, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I'm a war Veteran, I'm sensitive (to a point), I like adventure, I'm above average in all aspects of my life - physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. I know this list sounds bad (self centered), but I also know some people might bring up one of these areas as a possible issue in the relationship, so I figured I'd address it up front...
Here's the biggest rub. There are other issues too, but this is the biggest IMO. My wife is a non entity in the bedroom. She like sex when we have it, as is evident by the multiple and very powerful orgasms; however, she doesn't want to have sex that often and she's very timid in the sack. If I'm not the one leading the way or suggesting something, it doesn't happen. That gets old too. I, on the other hand, have the libido of a 20-year old and it's become a real issue...
I know some women can't understand that SEX can be this big of an issue. Newsflash - sex is a physiological need - just like food, water, etc. See Maslow. Don't be naive if you think otherwise.
My wife is a school teacher, but she didn't want to teach anymore so she's now at home. My income gave her that luxury not to have to work.
Early on in our marriage, my wife liked to discuss issues. Now she just walks away.. I'm at the point of resignation. I pretty much don't care about my relationship with her anymore. I love my wife as a person and as the mother of my children, but I'm not "in love" with her anymore.. My focus is on my children and ensuring they're happy people.
I've told my wife over the course of the past year that I want a divorce. She wants to "work things out," when I'm so pissed I'm ready to walk out the door; however, she never follows through on anything... I also told her that if an opportunity to have sex outside the marriage presented itself, I'm not sure I would pass on it.... She didn't have anything to say. Nothing - as if she accepts it.. Oh well.... I've never cheated, but it's not out of the realm of possibilities now... I won't actively seek it out, but I don't see turning down sex if the situation arises.
I've told her that I don't want to move out and hurt my children at present... My dilemma is I don't want my kids to pay the bill for our bad marriage. In the same breath, I feel like I'm being held back.
If I cheated on her tomorrow, I would have zero guilt... I've given her the world and she's thrown it away. The worst part is she's not interesting in working at it..
We've never been to counseling.. She suggested it at one point, but again, never followed through on the research. I'm not convinced any type of counseling will change how I feel. I'm numb...
Any feedback is appreciated.
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
My suggestion to you would be to sit down and speak with your wife about what you are feeling. She may not listen but at least you know you tried. Second, I would go to counseling myself. You may be suprised by the information or self reflection you obtain at these sessions. Let your wife know you are going to counseling. Let her know you are moving forward with your life with our without her.
My ex walked out on me and I was blindsided. He did not communicate anything with me. He just had the affair and left. When I was looking to save my marriage I found many different weekend retreat type things to help save a marriage.
I would suggest you do what you can to see if you can fall back in love with your ex. If those lines of communication and desire are opened once again you may decide to stay and work things out. You may possibly end up with a more fulfilling marriage than you ever thought possible.
Recently, she got a blood clot in her leg. Dr's think it was because of the BC pill, so no more pill. When she went in to see her Gyno, I asked her to discuss libido issues as well. Did she? Nope.
I was going to get a Vasectomy, but given the uncertainty in this relationship, I don't think I'll be getting the snippage any time soon.
As far as sitting down with my wife, we've had multiple - i.e. 10 or more very long discussions about the relationship. In the end, nothing has happened.. Nothing has changed and the clock's ticking.
I've thought about the counseling, but I'm really feeling pretty good about what I've offered the relationship. I have no regrets at all.. I'm just not convinced a counselor is going to tell me anything substinative that I need to hear.
"These are the basic animal needs for such things as food, warmth, shelter, sex, water, and other body needs. they
are what Maslow called "deficiency needs" or "D-needs": the individual does not feel anything if they are met, but feels anxious if they are not met"
and then he also stated:
"The higher needs in this hierarchy only come into focus when the lower needs in the pyramid are satisfied. Once an individual has moved upwards to the next level, needs in the lower level will no longer be prioritized."
so when you saying you are "above average in all aspects of my life - physically, emotionally, spiritually", doesn't it means that you've passed the lowest, basic levels already and have grown to the upper? when an animal is hungry, its only can think of the food, concentrate on food, make food the obsession. but human are not animals, aren't we? Maslow explains that, "Anyone who attempts to make an emergency picture into a typical one, and who will measure all of man's goals and desires by his behavior during extreme physiological deprivation, is certainly blind to many things. It is quite true that man lives by bread alone when there is no bread"...
The basic needs don't go away - they're simply not focused on once they're met..
Maybe you should set a date or deadline for some things. Maybe your wife is depressed or something. She sounds awfully passive and you said she changed. Set a deadline for her to go to the therapist you set up for her, and keep going. Set up a couples weekend. Set yourself a timeline - maybe 6 months? Will that be too late to live the fab single life you envision? Buy her some sexy lingerie. Get her out of the house where the kids are.
Or, you can break up the family and hurt your kids but at least you'll be cumming more often!
You sound like you want out and making excuses to make her sound bad.
Ex did the same thing to me.
as for the sex as basic need for existence...well, I am yet to see the statistics how many ppl died without sex. I'm aware how many ppl die from starvation, cold, thirst...but sex? I can agree that society can sie eventually without reproduction, tribes, races, etc...but an individual dying from not having sex or have too little of it?
ok, I might be wrong and open to be convinced otherwise.
Are you always at home? Do you ever get around others for affirmation? Possibly your wife cant prop you up all by herself?
I like ted nugent.....so, maybe go bear hunting to cleanse your soul?