Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I was deleting old email from my account and noticed a Divorce Care Daily Email that I hadn't read from about a month ago. If you guys don't get these, I'd recommend signing up. Sometimes they put issues in a light that you might not have thought of yourself... like this one from Day 151. I've really struggled with this issue because I've been feeling like the "guilty" one... the one who's sinning against God because I initiated the separation and want to end the marriage. Of course, my STBX is doing his best to reinforce this guilt by playing the victim... I "kicked him out" (which to him is a MUCH more horrible offense than the 9 years of controlling, manipulation, bullying, belittling, and financial abuse that he inflicted on me and our respective children). He acts so self-righteous about all of this. Whenever there's something that needs to be addressed, he claims that he has to "pray" about it and decide what would be best for him, me and the kids. He also claims that he's the one that's trying to do the "right thing" by resisting the divorce... which insinuates that I'm the one that's doing the "wrong thing".
Anyway... for those of you who have initiated your separation and/or divorce and are struggling with guilt because you know that God hates divorce, this one's for you. At first it sounds like we're going to get brow-beaten again because it says, "if the marriage is taken away from you against your will...", but read on. They're talking about your spouses sinful actions against you that took your marriage away... not the fact that you finally stood up and said "ENOUGH!" and removed yourself from their vicious and hateful actions.
Not Responsible
Day 151
Dr. Craig Keener says we should do everything possible to save the marriage, but ultimately we are not responsible for the actions of another person.
He explains, "If the marriage is taken away from you against your will, after you've done everything you can in love to preserve the marriage, God doesn't hold you accountable for that any more than He would hold a rape victim accountable for rape or a murder victim accountable for murder."
In Psalm 55 David cried out to God. He was in distress because a friend of his, someone he trusted and loved, had turned against him, becoming vicious and hateful. David's relationship with his friend had been severed because of the friend's sinful actions toward him. In response, David brought his anguish to God, giving God his burdens and trusting God to sustain him.
Perhaps some aspects of the relationship between David and his friend are similar to what you have faced with your former spouse.
David says, "If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is . . . my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship. . . .
"War is in his heart; his words are more soothing than oil, yet they are drawn swords. Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall" (Psalm 55:12-14, 21-22).
Lord God, I have tried everything to make this marriage work. I have sought Your guidance, help, and counsel. I have been faithful to Your Word, but my spouse refuses to change his [her] ways. Help me to understand that I am not responsible for the actions of my spouse. Amen.
Anyway... for those of you who have initiated your separation and/or divorce and are struggling with guilt because you know that God hates divorce, this one's for you. At first it sounds like we're going to get brow-beaten again because it says, "if the marriage is taken away from you against your will...", but read on. They're talking about your spouses sinful actions against you that took your marriage away... not the fact that you finally stood up and said "ENOUGH!" and removed yourself from their vicious and hateful actions.
Not Responsible
Day 151
Dr. Craig Keener says we should do everything possible to save the marriage, but ultimately we are not responsible for the actions of another person.
He explains, "If the marriage is taken away from you against your will, after you've done everything you can in love to preserve the marriage, God doesn't hold you accountable for that any more than He would hold a rape victim accountable for rape or a murder victim accountable for murder."
In Psalm 55 David cried out to God. He was in distress because a friend of his, someone he trusted and loved, had turned against him, becoming vicious and hateful. David's relationship with his friend had been severed because of the friend's sinful actions toward him. In response, David brought his anguish to God, giving God his burdens and trusting God to sustain him.
Perhaps some aspects of the relationship between David and his friend are similar to what you have faced with your former spouse.
David says, "If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is . . . my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship. . . .
"War is in his heart; his words are more soothing than oil, yet they are drawn swords. Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall" (Psalm 55:12-14, 21-22).
Lord God, I have tried everything to make this marriage work. I have sought Your guidance, help, and counsel. I have been faithful to Your Word, but my spouse refuses to change his [her] ways. Help me to understand that I am not responsible for the actions of my spouse. Amen.
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
This was very inspirational!
Talk about it in PMs ;)
As far as feeling guilty, it takes two to make a marriage work. Sometimes the other person decides to start playing by rules the other person didn't agree to when both people signed on the dotted line. At that point, it's game over and it's time to walk away.
Because then, you're not playing by the rules for marriage as intended, you're making it up as you go along. And that can't end up well.
Many abusive spouses have smoke pouring from their Bibles from beating the other over the head with them, ignoring their own sins with the coverall that divorce is a sin. In fact they have broken the marriage vows and covenant long before, which is the true divorce. The rest is just paperwork.
Id like to broadcast this information over the whole world so others would realize that sometimes there are good reasons for initiating a divorce and that just because you initiated it, doesnt mean that youre the one that ended the marriage.
So I don't know why you would feel guilty at all. Men like this have nothing else to recommend them, so they have to rely on their ill-educated interpretations of the Bible to justify continuing the 'marriage' that is, in fact, not a marriage at all.