
Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

deleted_user
Hi,
I'm 61 years old and female. I've been married to this guy for 18 years.
He's not physically abusive in any way, but extremely controlling and keeps me isolated and away from family and friends. He doesn't do this just to me: He doesn't deal with his family and has no friends, either.
It is his opinion that married couples only need each other. Period.
I stupidly gave up everything I loved to do and everyone I liked to see when we got together.
You need to know he's a VERY GOOD psychologist. By this, I mean he works miracles with his patients, but has absolutely NO insight into himself or me.
Most of our investments are in accounts in HIS name, only, although I have about $50,000 in my own name. Also, our condo is paid for. We have a house in Virginia with about $40,000 equity and a mortgage of around $100,000. That's it for debts.
I'm afraid I won't be able to support myself, but feel I absolutely HAVE to get out of here.
Suggestions?
I'm 61 years old and female. I've been married to this guy for 18 years.
He's not physically abusive in any way, but extremely controlling and keeps me isolated and away from family and friends. He doesn't do this just to me: He doesn't deal with his family and has no friends, either.
It is his opinion that married couples only need each other. Period.
I stupidly gave up everything I loved to do and everyone I liked to see when we got together.
You need to know he's a VERY GOOD psychologist. By this, I mean he works miracles with his patients, but has absolutely NO insight into himself or me.
Most of our investments are in accounts in HIS name, only, although I have about $50,000 in my own name. Also, our condo is paid for. We have a house in Virginia with about $40,000 equity and a mortgage of around $100,000. That's it for debts.
I'm afraid I won't be able to support myself, but feel I absolutely HAVE to get out of here.
Suggestions?
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If your 50k was amassed during the term of the marriage he is entitled to 50% of it, and likewise any funds he has in his name are 50% yours. The equity in the homes would be equally split.
You do not mention if you are employed or were employed during the course of the marriage. This will have a bearing on any support/alimony you might be entitled to, or not.
You need to see an attorney. I managed to get out of a bad situation with far less than I believe you probably will get in a settlement. I lowered my cost of living but raised my QUALITY of life. Staying with someone you obviously are begining to resent for strictly financial reasons isn't a good idea.
Just my opinion.
Becky
I keep thinking, if a person is controlling in their marriage, wouldn't you think that persons controlling qualities would have shown up before the marriage even began to start with?
but I cannot talk. my first wife was extremely controlling. I knew this before we were married, but I was afraid to break up with her, because I was afraid of her, and what might happen to me, if I didn't go thru with the marriage.
Finally she cheated on me, and my dad and step mom took me in, but before the cheating, she was always controlling like that. Like I told my step mom when she asked me why I married her in the first place. I was 17 years old, she was my first real girlfriend. from the very start she controlled every aspect of my life, I was afraid of what would happen if I left, and since I had noplace to do, I didn't know what to do.
The main point to remember though, this is HIS problem, not yours. Took me along time to feel good about myself again when it happened to me. I still really don't, but i am more positive then I used to be.
friends are always important to have. Rather your single, dating, married, even happily married, people ALWAYS need friends who understand what their going thru. spouses aren't always the same. in fact alot of times we end up dating our total oppisite, so its always good to have at least one friend, who is more like yourself then your spouse is, who understands what your going thru. That is not cheating, everyone needs a friend.
I'll say this to everyone here, like I've said to many others.
"You are a God among women, don't ever let anyone tell you differently" :)
if someone tries to control who you can and cannot be friends with, I don't care how happy the marriage is, don't listen to any of it, because a good, healthy marriage, is one that also has communication, and trust.. Trust, I think, is the most important, because without trust, you can't have any kind of relationship regardless of what kind it is. You have to be able to trust your spouse when he/she is not around you. if you can't do that for any reason, then you can't stay married to one another, because trust is one of the founding things marriages are based upon. If he breaks that trust, you have the right to leave. you shouldn't have to monitor his activities, if the trust isn't there, there is no relationship period.
if you want to save the relationship, you have to learn to trust eachother first and foremost. If that is not ever possible, then the relationship is doomed forever.
thats the harsh truth about it. There has to be communication (communication means both listening, and speaking) , honesty, and most of all "trust".
if a person cheats, and trust is broken, there's only one way to fix the marriage after that, and thats, to bring back the communication, trust, and honesty.
Its important for both spouses to remember, both parties have to be completely honest with eachother. don't hold anything back. if your cheating, stand up and admit to it. Yes she'll be mad, but thats the risk you have to take. There has to be those 3 things in any marriage for it to work period.
I don't think anyone who has not experienced this type of manipulation, done by an expert, can understand how it comes about. You wake up one morning, in my case years and years later, and say, "What the heck happened?" It just happens so very slowly that you don't even realize it is happening.
I also grew up in a time and with parents who said I should get married. Period. The bargain was that I would marry and be a good wife and take care of all the supportive details and the husband would "take care of me." Even so, I worked for about half of my life and raised my son until he was 17.
I have skills, but there IS age discrimination out there. I get pretty far on job interviews, but when I go for interviews (at which I've always been very good), the interviewer seems to turn off.
So, I have put up with it for 17 years. I may put up with it for a little while longer if it helps insure my survival. I won't do it for long, though.
I'm not really looking for a DECISION to leave, but experiences from older people who have done this.
get yourself a good lawyer.. do not fool around with cheap. A good lawyer.... a shark will get you what you need... and it will be done quick. Sorry to tell you this.. but you are not young.. so.. you have to get what you can assets wise to help support yourself. Unless you are a professional yourself and can go out and find a job at 61.. or want to work.. I suggest you go for the maximum you can get.. and ask for spousal support.
You put in your 20 years... you deserve it.
Time to think about you... and be strong... we are here for you.