It is very,very common that health professionals have very little insight into their own selves. It is easier to be objective with others, but not so easy with oneself...I would go see an independent counsellor of your own choosing. I think you need to do this first before you can make any other steps. Good luck

P.S. A lot of doctors,psychiatrists,psychologists,lawyers are screwed up just like the rest of the population...being a professional does not guarantee a perfect human being....

First of all, if you are in a joint property state, all assets, no matter whose name they are in, are marital assets and are to be equally divided, as are the debts.

If your 50k was amassed during the term of the marriage he is entitled to 50% of it, and likewise any funds he has in his name are 50% yours. The equity in the homes would be equally split.

You do not mention if you are employed or were employed during the course of the marriage. This will have a bearing on any support/alimony you might be entitled to, or not.

You need to see an attorney. I managed to get out of a bad situation with far less than I believe you probably will get in a settlement. I lowered my cost of living but raised my QUALITY of life. Staying with someone you obviously are begining to resent for strictly financial reasons isn't a good idea.

Just my opinion.

He sounds just like my STBX, except for the friends part -- my STBX has tons of contacts. But he is also VERY controlling. And I am a very assertive perons, but he has managed to bring me down. Get the hell outta Dodge. You owe it to yourself --and you ARE worthy -- to get out of the crap and get to some fresh air. Just do it. I am in a similar situation financially, but I have gotten to the point where my emotional, psychological, and spiritual well-being are way more important than being financially safe -- I figure, I can figure out some way to make it on the other end, whatever that may be. I just don't see it yet. Good luck to you. You WILL make it. I keep telling myself the same thing when I get to the fear/anger stage...
Becky

It seems to me that he also has his own sets of fears and anger other then that why should he be economicly abusive toward you to gain control over you.I think you should get him to open up to you. things might not be as complicated as it seems.

Yikes, physician heal thy self. Please don't be offended by this but; what is it that you so desperately need to allow someone/ ANYONE to keep you from your family? I'd expect you to have your own life and your own mind. I loved being with my husband and preferred being with him over anyone else. But, it was my choice. We were away from our family but if we weren't there would be no way I would allow him to dictate to me the circles I should keep. He didn't have a say so over what was for dinner. Why is it that you allowed yourself to be 1/2 of 1, instead of being apart of your unit of marriage as well as being yourself?

It is very common for men in high professional positions to be controlling of their spouses. What get me, is I don't understand why people even marry people like this to start with?

I keep thinking, if a person is controlling in their marriage, wouldn't you think that persons controlling qualities would have shown up before the marriage even began to start with?

but I cannot talk. my first wife was extremely controlling. I knew this before we were married, but I was afraid to break up with her, because I was afraid of her, and what might happen to me, if I didn't go thru with the marriage.

Finally she cheated on me, and my dad and step mom took me in, but before the cheating, she was always controlling like that. Like I told my step mom when she asked me why I married her in the first place. I was 17 years old, she was my first real girlfriend. from the very start she controlled every aspect of my life, I was afraid of what would happen if I left, and since I had noplace to do, I didn't know what to do.

The main point to remember though, this is HIS problem, not yours. Took me along time to feel good about myself again when it happened to me. I still really don't, but i am more positive then I used to be.

friends are always important to have. Rather your single, dating, married, even happily married, people ALWAYS need friends who understand what their going thru. spouses aren't always the same. in fact alot of times we end up dating our total oppisite, so its always good to have at least one friend, who is more like yourself then your spouse is, who understands what your going thru. That is not cheating, everyone needs a friend.

I'll say this to everyone here, like I've said to many others.

"You are a God among women, don't ever let anyone tell you differently" :)

if someone tries to control who you can and cannot be friends with, I don't care how happy the marriage is, don't listen to any of it, because a good, healthy marriage, is one that also has communication, and trust.. Trust, I think, is the most important, because without trust, you can't have any kind of relationship regardless of what kind it is. You have to be able to trust your spouse when he/she is not around you. if you can't do that for any reason, then you can't stay married to one another, because trust is one of the founding things marriages are based upon. If he breaks that trust, you have the right to leave. you shouldn't have to monitor his activities, if the trust isn't there, there is no relationship period.

basically, and this goes for all marriages,

if you want to save the relationship, you have to learn to trust eachother first and foremost. If that is not ever possible, then the relationship is doomed forever.

thats the harsh truth about it. There has to be communication (communication means both listening, and speaking) , honesty, and most of all "trust".

if a person cheats, and trust is broken, there's only one way to fix the marriage after that, and thats, to bring back the communication, trust, and honesty.

Its important for both spouses to remember, both parties have to be completely honest with eachother. don't hold anything back. if your cheating, stand up and admit to it. Yes she'll be mad, but thats the risk you have to take. There has to be those 3 things in any marriage for it to work period.

It's really not that difficult to understand. He found me when I was on the rebound from a previous relationship. He came across as really interested in "helping" me escape the "cycle of abuse" that my family had created. Yes, I resisted at first, but his ability to "push the right buttons" and isolate bits of information were very effective. Add to that his training as a behaviorist and the fact that he is a VERY GOOD behaviorist. He knows how to condition people. What he does is make the result of a behavior (like visiting my sister) more aversive than the simple act of NOT visiting. It wasn't all that noticeable. He was subtle, but very effective.

I don't think anyone who has not experienced this type of manipulation, done by an expert, can understand how it comes about. You wake up one morning, in my case years and years later, and say, "What the heck happened?" It just happens so very slowly that you don't even realize it is happening.

I also grew up in a time and with parents who said I should get married. Period. The bargain was that I would marry and be a good wife and take care of all the supportive details and the husband would "take care of me." Even so, I worked for about half of my life and raised my son until he was 17.

I have skills, but there IS age discrimination out there. I get pretty far on job interviews, but when I go for interviews (at which I've always been very good), the interviewer seems to turn off.

So, I have put up with it for 17 years. I may put up with it for a little while longer if it helps insure my survival. I won't do it for long, though.

I'm not really looking for a DECISION to leave, but experiences from older people who have done this.

Get out of Dodge is good advice.. a controlling man who is respected in the community and can fool pple about his own family situation... right.. been there.

get yourself a good lawyer.. do not fool around with cheap. A good lawyer.... a shark will get you what you need... and it will be done quick. Sorry to tell you this.. but you are not young.. so.. you have to get what you can assets wise to help support yourself. Unless you are a professional yourself and can go out and find a job at 61.. or want to work.. I suggest you go for the maximum you can get.. and ask for spousal support.
You put in your 20 years... you deserve it.

Time to think about you... and be strong... we are here for you.

You have been married for a long time..long enough to get some financial support from him. Talk to a lawyer and remember that your SANITY is priceless. Good luck!!

Is there a four "R's" of a relationship? Rhaphsody (those wonderful early days), Resistance (when things that you used to overlook now make you act in petty ways), Resentment (when your love turns to loathing, and finally Revolution (the big divorce). If so, you may be in Resentment and are rapidly approaching Revolution. Could you ever get back to Rhaphsody? See a counselor as salbertar... suggests. And look in the mirror.