eyelove, you will not have a magic switch to turn off your emotions you've had for someone almost 20 years. it takes major time. I joined divorce care group locally in my area to give me the power over the ways I felt for my ex. all the pain she caused me, I still loved her and at one point, wished I could have her back. Now I know I am better off without her.

The split is never easy. I think in the beginning I had the same problem but I wasn't the one who left he did. You had a life with this person for so long it is hard to see tomorrow with out them. I will get easier in time. What happens next month?

It will take time. My STBX wants the divorce I don't. Remember they have been thinking about this for awhile, they didn't just wake up and decide they want a divorce. We just found out and it will take time for us. They had a head start and plus this is what they want not us. It will be okay. I have moved from the sad to the really pissed off stage. Looking at him irritates the crap out of me anymore. Hopefully this is one of the stages that I will go through to heal.

searching4self ? If I told you, it would ruin the surprise

Let's just say it's an xmas gift that can only happen once in a lifetime

Eyelove...

It's hard to let go if you are on the receiving end of the "I want out" disclosure. (Keep in mind, I am the leaver here, that is ALSO not at all easy...once you have made the decision, you want out, but it takes a long time and a lot of soul searching to get to that point...to the outsider, or leave-ee, it may SEEM as if the leaving was sudden and without remorse, but a lot of that took place in background, and she couldn't share that with you at the time, and now it is a moot point.)

Having said that, feel your feelings, embrace them, they are a natural part of the grieving process. If you can allow yourself to feel them, and embrace them (i.e immerse yourself in them to the full extent of their intensity, moment by moment.) It's what you DO with them that matters (i.e pleading with her to take you back is futile, take it from the other side, I know) -- if it's obvious to others that you can't have her back, try to process the longing for what once was, journal if you can, find others to talk to who can truly listen, and little by little, you will "bleed" it off, and the pain will subside.

I've been thru LOTS of true grief in my life, and I am all too familiar with the stages, intensity, and effective/healthy processing of it -- divorce is just one more manifestation of it.

Good luck, hang in there, hugs to you.
Becky

EyeLove... Please do not do anything that you can't take back! No person is worth that! You are a valued person, do not give her that much control over your life! PM me if you need to talk!

Thanks everyone but I'm not worth the paper my cat goes on

xmas surprise for the whole ex-family

I can't stop thinking about mine either - we have to grieve the loss that they have already gotten over when they decided they were done. It will take us longer because we weren't ready for it.

eyelove

Shame on you. Don't you want to get even with the ex family? I'll tell you the secret of how you do it. . .

You move on, you become happy, you let them know that life has never been better, and she lost you!

You are very valuable. Let us help you and I suggest you think about getting some outside help.

Don't get mad--get even--be happy!

You are talking about committing suicide. This will not make her feel responsible; it will only confirm to her that she was right to leave you. Living well is truly the best revenge.

You have your sister that you have just found. Build on that, move, do whatever you have to do, including antidepressants.

keep in mind, i'm a fellow ds'er and please don't kill me. time is the only thing that will fix this. your pretty much screwed until next month and the next month and the next month and so on and so on. but everyday gets just a tiny bit better. hang in there.

BUMP

I know you're hurting now.

Please don't dismiss this because you were married for so long and I wasn't so I don't know anything.

I know pain. I know about feeling useless, worthless. I know about feeling like no one gives two shits about you.

But you have got to believe me, being in a relationship is not the be all end all that some people make it out to be.

I know this can't be easy for you. And somehow, suicide seems like a convenient way to escape the pain.

Fuck. That.

Yeah, I had a plan. I wanted to end it all. But I didn't.

I got help.
I stuck it out.

And you know what? I'm glad I did.

No, life isn't perfect. And yeah, some days suck. But there are some good days, and then there are some spectacular days.

Those days make everything worthwhile.

But guess what, you don't get any more of those days when you die. Once you check out, you're done, game over. There's no Redos, rerolls, or anything like that. You're just done.

And you leave a shit-stained corpse behind you that other people have to deal with.

You do know that your bowels release upon death, right? So you're trying to make some kind of a statement and all they can think about is your feces-covered drawers.

Is that really what you want? Honestly?

This is a cry for help on your part.

We're here, we're listening.

Talk to us.

You wont be hurting her if you kill yourself..just the people who care about you...you need to call a crisis hotline number and talk to someone...they will talk to you and you don't even have to give your name...we are all in pain...however suicide is never the answer..you have been given good advice here...the best revenge is that she see you happy and moving on...stbx's can't stand that...call and talk to someone on the crisis line...don't let your heart rule right now listen to your brain....suicide what a bad idea.....

Eyelovedawn,

I understand the feeling. I too have planned suicide and still have the notes to show for it. I am soo glad I did not do it. It is just not worth it. The pain may seem unbearable and never ending now, believe me, I know what it feels like, but it WILL END. Think again if you think this is going to hurt her, HG is right it will just give her more justification for having left you. The people that are really going to hurt are YOUR friends and family such as your sister.
You don't need to do this alone. Here are some numbers. Please call them if the pain gets too much.

USA: Hopeline (Suicide):
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
USA: Suicide Hotline:
1-800-273-Talk (1-800-8255)