I came across this on the "Harbor House" site and I think it might help explain why it's harder than most people can imagine to leave an abusive marriage. It's even harder to heal from the abuse. Please be more compassionate and understanding when making comments to people who are recovering or trying to escape an abusive relationship.

Thanks,
Debbie




THE VOICE OF VICTIMS

Abuse is like a clear jar of pure water that someone over time drains by dropping a stone in, one after another. Whether through verbal, emotional, mental, sexual or physical violence, it does not matter. Soon the jar is full of stones with only a residue left.

Who is a domestic violence victim?

Your sister. Your best friend. Your next door neighbor. Your daughter. A domestic violence victim is the last person youd expect.

Abuse of any kind knows no boundaries like the neighborhood, socio-economic status, age, race, nationality, religion, job or relationship.

Were not the person you once knew. We were open, friendly and happy. Abuse has broken our spirits. We dont want to get close to anyone again, were afraid to trust. Were not sure what to do next.

I lost everything, because of the abuse throughout my whole life. I dont know how this happened.

We may have experienced abuse as a child and didnt know how to verbalize it. We were little, we didnt know anything else.

We didnt see verbal and emotional violence as abuse. As grown ups, we tell ourselves, If I can just make it better. If I just dont make him angry. We minimize, we survive.

Abuse snowballs. As you get older, you gather it and then it explodes on you.

Emotional abuse always escalates into physical abuse. The only variable is how long it will take to get there.

Bruises go away, but emotional abuse you dont forget. There are sounds that affect us. There are smells. There are songs.

Healing takes time, a different length of time for each individual. But even with healing, abuse leaves a permanent mark on our lives.

Abuse rapes us of our existence, our identity, our self. Abuse affects how we think and how we treat others. Abuse affects how we treat ourselves.

Abuse affects our kids whether we stay, leave or go back. We watch our kids act out, not knowing how to show love. We watch our kids be manipulated by their father.

So why do we stay?

Were with someone we love and someone we think loves us. We put all our trust and effort into our relationship. We want to take care of the abuser. It takes a long time for victims to realize how bad the abuse really is.

Maybe you should be asking; Why should we have to leave our home? Why do we have to leave our belongings? Why do they have to destroy our sentimental things? Why do they destroy our kids things?

Instead you ask; Why do we go back?

We think theyll change. They give us that little bit of hope and they make us believe that nothing happened.

We doubt ourselves. In all areas, we begin to believe that we cant make decisions and we really dont know whats happening.

We think if we leave and wipe the slate clean, that maybe life will be different. Its not; they still control us, even managing to use the system to abuse us.

I felt unprotected and angry when the officers were visiting with my abuser when I was trying to leave.

Remember, abusers want you to feel sorry for them. They play the martyr; were the bad guy.

I understand this is a small town but I dont know if I can trust the system when they all (law enforcement, attorneys, district attorney and judges) act like theyre friends and are making choices for me.

Our abusers can hire an attorney just like that, but they have the money.

If attorneys wont take our case because of our circumstances, how do you think it makes us feel?

I had to trick an attorneys office because they wont take contested divorces involving domestic violence.

We go back because we have nowhere to go. We cant make it on minimum wage. Housing is so limited, even with two jobs we cant afford a place.

I even tried to make it in another state and couldnt.

Social services are great, but its degrading to ask for help. Besides, the wait is at least a month for assistance and sometimes up to 45 days. Could you wait 45 days for help if your house burned down?

The gross monthly income limit for assistance eliminates victims with no children.

As a victim with no children I am receiving $18 a month in Food Stamps. Its another slap in the face. Tell me, can you eat on $18 a month?

How can we be expected to support our children without child support?

Im working two jobs and need a third.

There should be something that actually happens to fathers who dont pay their child support.

After four years, they just found my ex and he is paying $19.99 a week in past child support. Wow!!!

We get support whenever he feels like it if were not divorced. Even with a court order that garnishes his wages, he controls us by working for cash or not working at all.

Its important that judges understand domestic violence. They need to understand the cycle of violence, the lies, and not allow abusers to get away with it, not in criminal court or civil court.

I feel like I have the plague. Others act like there is something wrong with us. Even our families act differently. Its like being diagnosed with an illness. People stand off; they actually move away from us. Abuse isnt contagious.

Some seem to think that we overreact. Some even ask if weve exaggerated our situation. Some people expect us to reconcile.

Reconciliation doesnt have to be going back to him. Reconciliation can be that our abusers recognize and acknowledge they have the problem and its not our fault. It can be a truce; it can be forgiveness but not forgetting. Hopefully, at some point we can share parts of our lives without being in danger or living with fear. But our abuser has to stop playing the abuse game.

We dont want to be pitied. We want to be given chance. We dont want our children to be treated differently. We want our children to feel safe.

When we were born we were perfect and priceless. Were not cars, we dont depreciate. Just because weve been victimized doesnt mean were worth less. Were worth as much as the day we were born.

I like to look at being a survivor as restoration. Im worth even more now.

No one can exist alone. Dont turn your back on us. Report domestic violence. Call 911. C.A.D.V., Harbor House, counselors, advocates, church, family, friends and other safe zones or community programs help with our restoration.

Everyone has a right to feel safe. Put yourself in our place. Where could we go for that safety if Harbor House didnt exist? Support Harbor House, with your time and with your donations.

Theres so much more we want to tell you about the violence weve lived and the futures were creating, but well end with this:

We know not all men are abusive. We were victims of domestic violence. We are not man haters; we are gentle-man lovers. We are survivors and we are not alone.