I am also the dumpee. I dont know why that is I did for awhile, a long while. I think I am in the anger phase today. But I do relate.

As a dump-er, although I can't speak for all, yes I do feel a lot of guilt. "did I try everything to save the marriage", "Should I have forced counselling earlier", "should I have just put up with it for the sake of the children" etc.but every case is different.

You care because this mattered to you, anne.

As for cheating dumpers, who knows? They develop different personnas when affairs start. Who knows which is the real them is what is not? And when the facr speaks, if they speak the truth?

As for marraiges that end w/o infidelity as a reason, I am not sure....

I also eagerly await the answer to this question...

You care because your normal, and it's natural. I wonder the same thing myself. I will wonder WTH happened months from now.

I detect some guilt and pity on his side

I've seen no guilt whatsoever on my H. It may be different between dumper who is also a cheater and dumper who is not. According to the counselor, the cheater tends to put blame on the dumpee.

I was the dumporEven though I had good reasons I felt bad but only foer a few days, but he was an ass and desereved, so Iam sure those who dumped fpr no easom or because of ow/ om feel bad.

Assuming I get the guts to go through with it, I will be the dumper. I'd rather hurt myself than hurt him, and have been for several years. Just because someone leaves dosen't ALWAYS mean it dosen't break their heart too. Ally

although there had been trouble in our marriage for a long time, i was in it for the "for better or worse...til death do us part". i didn't want it to end but maybe in the long run (which i can't see beyond the tears at this point) it will be better. I wasn't prepared for him telling me there was someone else. today I just want him to hurt as much as i do, but with him having someone to run to, i don't think he's feeling the same way. in the end, i want peace for the both of us...when will i feel that way? when is "the end" and the acceptance of everything gone wrong?

I don't think that it is a matter of the "dumper" and "dumpee". I think it's the matter of the "betrayer" and the "betrayee". I reluctantly filed for divorce, but only after years of verbal/physical abuse, his multiple infidelities, and his out of control substance abuse. Even though I was the "dumper", I was also the "betrayee".

I think that you wonder about him because you're trying to find a reason/rational for his behavior. You won't. This has nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with him! You can't control his behavior, only your own. So try to get the focus off of him and put it on YOU. What can YOU do to put your life together (without him)? What do you want? What do you have control over?

Technically, I will be the dumpor. However, as I have told him twice that he needs to choose between me and the booze, and he has chosen the booze both times, I could be the dumpee.

Anne, I wonder the same thing's many times, then I smack myself in the mouth and realize I am being foolish. Why on earth would I care. She left the marriage, end of story.

well i am the dumper, and i hate it.

I am really regretting it and feel horrible for it. there is a lot more to my story but for me it is as hard as hell.

I will be the dumpor and I am so stressed out and one of the reasons I went to counseling is because I want it to be "fair" for everyone involved and I did stay for an additional 6 years because I did not want to divorce...today, I realize that I just prolonged the emptiness for all involved. There is pain, anger, sadness, fear, and the gut wrenching pain of making changes that come from divorce regardless of who is making it happen.

Maybe I'm the one with the courage to do it rather than him but it's still a horrible feeling. Do I feel justified....I did that blame thing but the reality is that it was broken and throwing more stones to see who did ti will only make it more broken and painful.

because it's hard to understand why. mine is in a half-way house, has nothing, i have everything, yet, i still love him. i guess it's a matter of the heart right now. and even though it feels like it's been a long time apart, it hasn't been. we have to keep moving forward, because we are never going to be able to figure out what is going through their heads, and when we keep constantly thinking about it, it keeps us from doing what we should be doing, making ourselves happier and healthier. hang in there friend, we are all in this together. we will make it. thanks to each other.