A friend of mine who's a psychologist was telling me about how everyone continues to live out their own "story", even into adult life. There are things we do as adults that we take for granted, but if you look back far enough, you'll find some seed of the reason why it is we do what we do.

In some ways, we forget or refuse to acknowledge that we have control over who we are -right now-, and we don't have to be defined by our pasts.

I was so heartbroken to hear my daughter speak like that, it is SOOOOOOOO me and my story with my STBX. I feel so friggin bad that I taught her to act this way.

I believe that the child does pick up bevaiors and triats that they carry into thier adult life and do pass the leagcy of that trait. I for one have broken many traits that I had endured and will not pass it on to my kids. I am aware of what they were and know to focus on the positive or reverse of that behavior. I do not want my kids to go through problems that I had. I chose to break the cycle for them.

I have an 11yr old D and everyone says she acts just like her mom. I do see a lot of things I do repeated by her. I just hope that I am passing along some of my better qualities and not burdening her with the ones that are not so great.

I know she is only 11, but she always says she will never get married. She says it with such conviction. She says she would never want to be as unhappy as I was for so long. I hope one day she will see me in a loving, happy relationship so that she sees that it can be great.

I am going to try to convince my daughter to go into therapy with me. I guese she has watched me be so submissive in my marriage.......always being the one to apologize "to keep the peace" and saying "please love me". I have to teach her to grow her self esteem while I work on that myself. I just want her to be a strong confident women that never feels it is necessary to beg for love and forgivness. Now I know, if that is "neccessary" in a relationship.......that is a BIG RED FLAG

Horsecrazy, I'm so with you. I am trying to become a strong, confident woman so that is what my D will become. Like you, I often "keeped the peace" and now realize it was a big mistake. It took too much away from me.
I agree that it is a Red Flag if we need to beg to be loved. I wish the best for you and your daughter.

you answered your own question deary. get her the help she needs and also, teach her unlearned behaviors like putting another before yourself, yes, you should, but not at the cost of begging/trying to gain their love as you put it. She'll get passed it and you will be there holdign your head high.

Children and learned behavior. This is the main reason for our current separation/divorce. As our councilor put it, "we are showing our children that living in a bad relationship is right". They deserve better. Good luck... only 11/2 cents today, enjoying other's thoughts.

Yes, that is true, and I hope leaving has showed them how I feel on that one, cause it's taken 16 years to get the courage.

I hope not. I wish a better life for my kids!

I believe our children display behaviours they have learned from both of us. I've said to my husband they have both the good and bad from both. As a result through this separation, I have changed my attitude and have tried to display to my children that I can be strong and survive thru this, they've seen me cry, however they have also seen me pick up the slack as the only parent in the house at this time. I hope I am able to show them that even though it is a difficult time, we wil get through it with each others help. It also helps both their father and i have not said anything negative about one another and he calls to make sure that they know he is there for them.

oh my gosh horsecraz, i want to cry after reading this. i think that is awesome that you want to take your daughter to therapy and both of you work on your self-esteem, let her learn that she is so awesome she does not need a boy or man to validate that. nor does she have to keep apologizing over and over and over. good luck.

Please don't cry, then I would be responsible for THAT! :)